


I Am Not Afraid To Keep On Living

by orphan_account



Category: Frank Iero and the Patience, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anal Sex, Bathtub Sex, Break Up, Christmas, Depression, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Getting Back Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Grief/Mourning, Kink Exploration, Light Bondage, M/M, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Past Character Death, Post-Break Up, Reunion, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vaginal Sex, still figuring out how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-04-29 22:09:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 75,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14482233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ray Toro has to go on after he lost his wife. He tries very hard to convince everyone that he's okay and to raise his son to the best of his ability, but he lost himself along the way. Out of nowhere a stranger stumbles into his life and turns it upside down. Suddenly he has to deal with his confusing feelings, his son playing matchmaker and the memory of Christa, that he just can't get over. Of course this is the exact time he finds out that one of his closest friends is even less okay than he is and before he knows it, he's in the middle of even more drama. Just great.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A tale about loss, learning to accept a new love and figuring out how to carry on.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ray Toro x OFC and eventual Gerard Way x Frank Iero





	1. Impossible Year

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I've been been molested by another plot bunny and here is the result. I hope you like it and leave me some feedback :)
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything and this work is purely fictional. I do not wish any harm upon the characters portrayed and apologize to anyone, who might be offended by this. Furthermore, I have created a character, who is a psychotherapist. But I am not, so please do not take whatever she 'says' at face value. This work contains struggles with depression, suicidal thoughts and failed suicide attempts. Please proceed with care.

Ray Toro was sitting in a Starbucks in Basking Ridge, New Jersey. He stared out into the dark and watched raindrops glitter around the orange street lights. It was December 9th 2017 and thereby precisely 364 days after the worst one he had ever had to endure. Hence his less-than-cheery mood. It had been a hell of a year and looking back, he couldn’t, for the life of him, tell what had gotten him through it. But here he was, back home in Jersey, a 40-year-old single parent, who was struggling every fucking moment to keep his shit together and raise his son to the best of his ability. Just then Jon Bon Jovi sang “Life ain't a merry go round, it's a roller coaster” on the radio. Ray snorted into his coffee. _Don’t I know it_ , he thought bitterly. Only five years ago he had played guitar in sold out stadiums in front of screaming teenagers. Today he had needed nearly an hour to even get out of bed and force himself into the shower. What should he even get up for, anyway? His days were bleak and empty, they lined up in a never ending loop of routine, crushed dreams and longing for what he had lost.

 

Literally all he had left was his beautiful son. Ray glanced over at him and felt his lips twitch. He hadn’t laughed in a year, at least not sincerely, but Antonio was the one and only person, who was able to coax an actual smile from him every now and then. Tony was already four years old and growing up at an alarmingly fast rate. He had inherited Ray’s unruly brown curls and his mother’s sparkling gray eyes, a perfect mix of them both. What Ray wouldn’t give for her to be with them right now. Another day of their son’s life she had missed. Another day without her by his side. Ray didn’t know how many more he could bear.

 

Today he had taken his son out to the local Environmental Education Center. They had spent a few hours there and by now it was nearing six in the evening, therefore they had decided to get some coffee and hot chocolate respectively. That was how they had ended up here, at Starbucks. “Dad?”, Tony’s voice pulled him out of his musings. “She’s really pretty”, his son whispered and pointed at a woman, who was sitting in a corner by herself. Ray looked up and couldn’t help but agree. She was like 5ft 4, petite and he couldn’t help but notice her delicate, nimble-fingered hands. Her long, blonde hair fell down to her waist and her eyes darted back and forth over the screen of her phone. Whatever she was reading brought a smile to her face and her perfectly shaped lips revealed pearly white teeth. She wore a knee-length, deep blue dress, black leather boots and had draped a thick black coat over one of the chairs. Alright, Tony might be only four years old, but he did have an excellent taste in women. She was drop-dead-gorgeous.

 

Suddenly she looked up and met Ray’s gaze. Her blue eyes pierced his and her expression shifted ever so slightly. Surprise? Recognition? Whatever it was, the very next moment she smiled at him and Ray’s stomach did a somersault. He quickly averted his gaze and took a huge gulp of his coffee. He wasn’t used to attention any more. Nowadays he was rarely ever recognized by fans, after all he had kept a pretty low profile over the last year and avoided big public events whenever he could. And without the rock star bonus there really wasn’t much to his appearance, so yeah… “Daddy, if you have a girlfriend, will she be my new mommy?”, Tony asked innocently, nearly causing him to choke on his beverage. What the actual fuck?! Where had that come from?! His four-year-old son was pointing out beautiful women and talking about relationships? Holy shit, he wasn’t even looking for a hookup, he didn’t need a wingman!

 

“Yeah, she is pretty”, he finally whispered back and quickly downed the rest of his coffee, blatantly ignoring that last question. “Come on, let’s get out of here”, Ray said as he raised from his chair, got rid of their cups and ushered Tony towards the exit. He didn’t miss how his son turned around and beamed at the woman in the corner, but he kept walking. It was still raining, but since it was like 30°F, he would have to drive carefully. They really had to hurry up if they wanted to get home before the weather caused a traffic snarl-up. Ray buckled Tony’s seat belt and quickly got into the driver’s seat. But when he turned the key in the ignition, all he got was a weak stutter before the engine fell quiet. Just fucking great… it took a heroic effort to bite back a curse. He rested his forehead against the stirring wheel and sighed heavily. They should have stayed in bed today. What had he ever done to deserve this? Everything was going to shit, fucking _everything_! Ray tried again, but to no avail. Well, he was just gonna call one of his brothers… of fucking course his phone was dead. He would have cried if Tony hadn’t sat right next to him. There was no way he was showing weakness in front of his son!

 

A soft knock on the window startled him out of his misery. He opened the door and swallowed when he realized that it was the beautiful woman Tony had pointed out to him a mere ten minutes ago. “Uhmm… hi, do you two need a ride? I would give you a jump-start, but since you’re boxed in…”, she offered and held her umbrella a little higher, so that he was covered, as well. Ray could barely look away from her cerulean blue eyes. They were friendly, but serious. Full of life, but somehow sad and resigned. Beautiful. She was shivering and he finally realized how cold it actually was and how the light rain from earlier was slowly turning into an actual downpour. “Oh, y-yeah, that… that would be great”, he managed to stutter out. “Alright then, my car is three down to your right”, she said with a kind smile, turned around and left. Ray had to blink a few times before his brain caught on to what had just happened. He had agreed to get into a complete stranger’s car and stammered like a fucking teenage boy, who was talking to his crush for the very first time. _Way to go, Toro_. Damn it, he was a grown man, he _was_ able to carry on a conversation with a pretty woman! Actually Ray never would have even considered taking her up on her offer, but he didn’t exactly have a choice if he didn’t want to walk through the rain. At least she hadn’t let on that she had recognized him, he really could do without his home address all over the Internet.

 

A few minutes later Tony was belted on his booster seat in the back of the woman’s BMW and Ray closed the passenger door behind him. “Where shall I take you?”, she asked him while she started the engine. The radio sprang to life and Ray smiled to himself when he recognized ‘The Prophet’s Song’ by Queen. A true masterpiece. He really liked her taste in music. “178 South Maple Avenue. Thanks again, I would have called somebody, but my phone’s dead”, Ray answered and was relieved to notice that he had gained back control over his voice. “You’re welcome. I live in Springfield, so that’s on my way, anyway”, she answered as she pulled out into traffic. Ray nodded in recognition and whacked his brains for something to say. He had always been kinda shy, but it hadn’t been _that_ bad in a long time. Okay, he hadn’t spoken to a woman as beautiful as her in a while, either, but still… This was awkward.

 

“I’m Rose, by the way”, her soft voice cut the tense silence. “Nice to meet you. I’m Antonio, but everybody calls me Tony”, his son chimed in from the back seat. Now look at that, somebody was on his best behavior! Ray’s lips twitched into a tiny smile as a wave of pride washed over him. Apparently he was doing something right after all. “Hi Tony, nice to meet you, too”, Rose replied, smiling at his son in the rear mirror. “Uhmm… I’m Ray”, he mumbled awkwardly and his blood rushed to his face. Just great, his four-year-old son was more eloquent than him. Rose pulled into his driveway before the song ended, it had only been like two miles, after all. Just as Ray turned around to thank their savior once again, Tony asked her: “Can you come in and play with me? Pretty please?” Ray swallowed hard. Nobody but his parents and some very close friends of his, who had helped when they had moved here, had ever been invited into their home. A year ago, he had been a very social, outgoing person, but now… At first Ray had pushed everybody away, because it had just hurt too much to talk about what had happened. But if you tell people to leave you alone again and again they’re actually gonna do it at some point. And it was now, a year later, that Ray realized with a start how lonely he had become. When was the last time he had actually met anyone outside of his family in person? Frank lived only a few towns away from him, for God’s sake! He hadn’t seen him in months!

 

“Uhmm… I’m pretty sure that your dad has something to say about that, sweetheart. I don’t have any plans for tonight, but he has to give his okay first”, Rose mumbled awkwardly. Ray bit his lip. Maybe it was his new-found awareness of how his social life had gone to shit, maybe it was the way Rose had reacted and left the final decision to him or maybe it were the puppy dog eyes his son gave him when he turned around. Alright then… “Of course, why don’t you come in for a cup of coffee? That’s the very least we owe you for helping us out”, he proposed. Great idea, offering her coffee when they had just been to Starbucks. God, what was wrong with him? Ray felt himself blush yet again when she smiled at him and graciously accepted the invitation. She had hardly gotten her shoes off before Tony grabbed her hand and dragged her upstairs and into his room. Ray could only shake his head. He busied himself preparing coffee and another hot chocolate in the kitchen. Just before he was done, he heard two pairs of steps on the stairs again. Muffled voices from somewhere down the hall were soon replaced by the soft sound of his piano. There was a music room in the basement. Old Ray would have turned it into a studio, but New Ray hadn’t bothered. However, his curiosity was definitely piqued.

 

That was how he found himself sitting in the black leather couch in the adjoining billiard room and listening. Rose was playing ‘Stairway To Heaven’ and it was so freaking beautiful! Ray had never heard that song like this before. She put so much feeling in it… wow, he honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had heard something so magnificent. Somehow she managed to blend together the vocals and the instrumentals into one score and he had no idea how she even did that. God, Ray would kill for being able to play like that! As soon as she was finished, Tony yelled: “That’s sooooo cool! Moreeeee!” It took him only seconds to recognize the intro. Who the hell played ‘Run To The Hills’ on a piano!? But she made it work somehow. By the time she reached the guitar solo, Ray was standing in the door and staring at her with eyes wide as saucers. Holy fucking shit! That look upon her face! There was so much passion, so much fire!

 

“That was awesome! You’re really, _really_ good”, Ray said after the last notes had faded away. And man, he totally meant it. She blushed violently and even more so when Tony hugged her from his spot beside her on the bench. “Sorry I didn’t ask you before playing… uhmm… are you okay with this?”, she asked him sheepishly, accompanied by some vague gesticulating between herself and the piano. Huh? “Of course! You play way better than me!”, Ray blurted out without even thinking. He had met her about half an hour ago, but to his surprise he really was okay with her being in his house and playing his instruments. It was kinda refreshing to have her here, like opening a window in a muggy room. In fact… “I’m afraid the coffee’s cold by now, but… w-would you like to stay for dinner?”, he asked her spontaneously. Wow. Ray tended to overthink absolutely everything, especially when it came to his son’s well-being and his work. He was a perfectionist and always had to have everything planned out. Which was why Christa’s… yeah… _that_ … had thrown him off so much. All his carefully laid out plans had burst into thousands of sharp glass shards, that had dug underneath his skin and into his heart. Spontaneously inviting a complete stranger for dinner was totally out of character for him, but his gut feeling told him that it was the right thing to do and for the first time in forever he actually went with it. What was the worst, that could happen, anyway? She already knew where they lived and there was no telling what she would do with that information, no matter how long she stayed. Besides, she still hadn’t done or said anything that indicated in any way that she knew who Ray was. So why was he even panicking?

 

“I’d love to, thanks. Can I help with the cooking?”, she offered immediately, but Ray shook his head. “Thank you, but I’ve got this. Is chicken curry okay?”, he asked and managed not to blush again like some awkward teenager when she nodded and smiled at him. Just as he set about returning upstairs, he heard Tony ask: “Can you sing, too?” Well, that was actually a really good question. Ray held his breath and waited, his foot hovering over the first step. Short, high notes, a chord…

 

This is gospel for the fallen ones

Locked away in permanent slumber

Assembling their philosophies

From pieces of broken memories

 

Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues

Conspire against the odds

But they haven't seen the best of us yet

 

If you love me, let me go

These words are knives and often leave scars

The fear of falling apart

Truth be told, I never was yours

The fear of falling apart

 

That was when Ray fled upstairs and into the kitchen. As much as he appreciated Panic! At The Disco – that particular song hit a little too close to home for his liking. But _damn_ , did Rose have a great voice! She was so talented, she could very well be a professional musician! That was when he realized once more that he actually didn’t know anything about her except for her name. And he had left her alone with his son! He peered at the basement door from the corner of his eye. She began the next song and he recognized ‘Chop Suey’ by System of a Down. Damnit, Tony would be fine, Ray was becoming paranoid. By the time Rose had played ‘Somebody To Love’, ‘Comfortably Numb’, ‘Bliss’ and ‘Creep’, dinner was ready. Ray had already set the table and went back down to tell them so. But once there, he couldn’t help but close his eyes and listen to ‘The Unforgiven’. He had grown up with Metallica, they were one of the bands, that had made him pick up a guitar all those years ago. He loved that song to pieces.

 

Dinner was different than usual. Most days Ray and his son would sit together and talk about Tony’s day at pre school or what he wanted to do during the weekend. But today his little boy pestered their guest with endless questions and Ray learned quite a bit about her after all. Apparently she was 32 years old, lived in Springfield and had had her first piano lessons at the tender age of four (of course Tony wanted to learn how to play himself after that). Her favorite band of all time was Queen and she was a psychotherapist. Well, for a shrink she was pretty cool, Ray had to give her that. She also played guitar a little, but only a few chords a friend had taught her. The meal went by without him even noticing and Ray was actually reluctant to let it end when he stood up and collected the dishes. Rose was great company. She was funny and intelligent, but she didn’t pry and was tactful enough not to ask why Tony never once mentioned his mother and they were obviously living alone. Talking to her was easy in a way Ray hadn’t experienced in a year. Not since he had lost his wife out of fucking nowhere.

 

“Can we watch a movie with Rose? Pleeeeeeease! I’m gonna be good, promise!”, Tony begged him and clung to Ray’s leg, looking up at him with his very best puppy dog eyes. Damnit, he would never be able to say no to that face! And didn’t his son know it! “I don’t want to impose. But if you’re okay with me staying another hour or so...”, Rose murmured awkwardly. Ray actually didn’t know whether he was or not, but once again he went with his gut and nodded resignedly. Tony let out a cry of triumph and sprinted off towards his room. Not even five minutes later he was back, in his pajamas (with the trousers inside out and the top the wrong way around) and with toothpaste all over his face. Ray chuckled to himself and cleaned him up before he grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses. Rose had already settled on the couch in front of the TV and was waiting for them.

 

Tony was rummaging through their DVD collection when Ray entered the living room and he had to bite back a groan as his son presented him with his choice. ‘Finding Nemo’. _Again_. By now even Ray was able to quote the entire thing from beginning to end, he was actually surprised the DVD hadn’t dissolved into nothingness, yet. They watched it at least once a week. And the beginning was still just as horrible to endure as the very first time he had seen it after they had lost Christa. Ray started the movie and managed a smile when Rose handed him one of the glasses she had filled. Ray clenched his jaw all the way through the intro. He even closed his eyes when Cora died and Marlon had to discover the empty cave, where all their babies had been hidden. Only when the title music was playing did he relax a little. And he was equally confused and worried when Rose dried her eyes on her sleeve, sniffled quietly beside him and downed her wine in one go. They watched the movie in relative silence, but about half way through and another glass of wine later, Ray dozed off into a fitful slumber.

 

 _It’s cold outside and Ray hurries to get inside the house. He just dropped Tony off at his parent’s house so that they can have a little time for themselves. He’s looking forward to some quiet for once, their son really is a handful. He opens the door and shouts down the hallway: “Honey, I’m home!” There’s no response. In fact, the entire house is eerily quiet and suddenly Ray just_ knows _that something is wrong. “Chris?”, he murmurs quietly. An icy feeling of dread is pooling in his stomach as he rounds a corner and enters the living room. And then his entire world comes crashing down. There she is, lying in a pool of red, her skin deathly pale and her eyes barely open._

 

Ray jolted awake and gasped for air. His heart was beating like a sledgehammer and he was drenched in cold sweat. No matter how often he had to relive that day, it was still just as shattering and heart-wrenching as the very first time. His mind would just never let him forget a single detail and tortured him with the images again and again. He fought down a sob and squeezed his eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. His lungs were screaming for oxygen, but he just couldn’t breathe, his chest was tightening and there was a huge lump in his throat. But before his panic attack could take hold for real, a noise made him look up and suck in a much needed lungful of air. Just then did he realize that he wasn’t in his bed. Apparently he had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room and someone had covered him with a blanket and placed his glasses on the coffee table. That was weird. Hadn’t he been watching ‘Finding Nemo’ with Tony? With a start Ray remembered that they had not been alone tonight. Rose. She must have tucked him in. Another noise from the kitchen. He scrambled to his feet and made his way there, even though he swayed a bit and was more than a little groggy.

 

Rose was drying their wine glasses when Ray joined her and she gave him a tired smile. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up, you looked like you could use the rest. Tony’s asleep, I tucked him in about ten minutes ago and I was actually about to leave”, she explained, biting back a yawn. “You didn’t… uhm… I...I”, Ray tried in vain to get out an entire sentence. The images of Christa’s last moments were still burned to his retinas and he felt like throwing up. Rose carefully hung her towel back on the rack and sighed quietly. “Do you want some hot chocolate? Why don’t you go change and I’ll see if I can find something to make you feel better?”, she proposed and all Ray could do was nod mutely. Somehow his feet carried him upstairs and into his bedroom. He had no fucking clue what he was doing, but his body acted on autopilot, took a super quick cold shower and only a few minutes later he found himself stumbling downstairs again in his pajamas. His mind seemed to have shut down, he was back to that strangely numb state he had spent a few weeks in after… _it_ … had happened, just like every time he had that one hellish nightmare, ergo two or three times a week. Usually he would run a few miles on his treadmill, wallop his punching bag and try to fall asleep again, but not today.

 

Rose was already waiting for him on the couch in the living room with two big, steaming mugs on the coffee table in front of her. Ray flopped down on the opposite end and raised a questioning eyebrow when a huge grin split her face in half. “You know, tumbler is gonna blow up if anybody ever snatches a picture of you wearing that, you’re gonna give people a heart attack”, she said casually as she handed him one of the mugs. Huh? Ray looked down at the cloths he had thrown on. Plain black pajama pants and his oldest and most battered My Chem shirt. He still remembered how it felt to unpack those. Nothing compared to holding your child, finally hearing your finished record and wearing an actual shirt with your band’s name on it for the very first time. That piece of clothing had accompanied him ever since then, they had been through a fucking lot together and by now the print had faded so much that it was barely readable. Well, that much for not recognizing him. “So… I guess I don’t have to tell you what I do for a living?”, he murmured quietly. He had really liked the time they had spent together and didn’t want things to turn awkward now.

 

“Duh, seriously? Do you quote yourself on a regular basis? And I _do_ have taste in music, you know? I’m just old enough to contain my inner fangirl”, she answered dryly. Ray actually smiled at that. It wasn’t a big smile, but it was genuine. That hadn’t happened in a very long time, at least not for anyone but Tony. “I mean, I’ve been there pretty much from the beginning, I saw one of your first gigs in 2002 and exactly 115 after that. I’m a huge fan of your music, but it’s been really nice to get a glimpse of you without all the rock star glamour”, Rose said while a faint blush spread across her cheeks. Seriously? 116 shows!? “Wow… that’s… thank you”, Ray stuttered. He was at a loss for words, how the hell did he not know her!? They had been very close to their fans from the beginning, there was probably no way they hadn’t met before!

 

That was when he remembered the mug in his hands and he took a tentative sip. It was definitely hot chocolate, but she had put something else in it… cinnamon, chili and… rum? Whatever, it was _really_ good and it warmed his entire body to the tips of his toes. “Ray? You know… I’m a psychotherapist, so… I’m quite good at listening and if you want to talk about that nightmare – I’m not exactly occupied. And I swear, that nothing you might tell me will ever leave this room”, Rose whispered after a while. Ray didn’t dare look at her. He had never talked to anybody about his dreams, he was worrying his family enough as it was, no need to make matters even worse. However, sometimes he felt about ready to explode, like a dam, that had to hold back a spring tide. But he had never had the guts to actually put into words how he truly felt, because that would make it real and so much worse. He would have to live through it all again and honestly didn’t know whether he could take that. His family would not see him fall apart again, he refused to let that happen. Rose however… she was kind of a neutral person and dealing with broken and fucked up people for a living. She didn’t push him, she just sat there with her feet tucked underneath her dress and drank her hot chocolate. She wasn’t pressuring him in any way and that was what did it for Ray. He could barely believe it, but he took a deep breath and then the entire story burst out of him in a rush.

 

He told her everything. How Christa had found out that she was pregnant with a baby girl and how happy they had been. How Tony had been so excited to become a big brother and how they had prepared the nursery together. How he had dropped off Tony at his parent’s for a weekend alone with his wife. And how he had come back home and… found her. “She was nearly nine months along, only like two weeks before she was due. She fell down the stairs and the placenta detached… I called 911, but she… it was to late. She died before they even got there. They tried to bring her back, but… she had lost too much blood. _God_ , there was so much blood. And I couldn’t help her. If only I had been a little faster, come home a little earlier, maybe she would still be here and we’d still be a family. I loved her so much, I just can’t forget it and no matter what I do, those nightmares won’t stop”, Ray ground out, the last sentences bare audible, because his voice cracked so badly. His hands started to shake and blur before his eyes and his entire body tensed up. He saw Christa’s face again, the pale skin, stained with smears of red and her heavy-lidded eyes as she whispered: “Be happy. Promise me. I love you…”

 

The next time Ray took a shuddering breath, his lungs burning from lack of oxygen and his throat painfully tight, he found himself lying in Rose’s arms. She pulled him close and whispered again and again that he was gonna be okay. That was when he lost it completely and just broke. Ray let out an inhuman howl and wailed in agony as he bawled his eyes out and sobbed into her dress. Her fingers dug into his shoulders while she held him and finally gave him what he had needed so desperately all along. A shoulder to cry on. He had tried so hard to be strong for his son and everybody else, had put on a brave face and simply pushed aside the emptiness inside his heart. Ray had forced himself to move on, go back to some kind of everyday routine. Fake it till you make it, right? Except he hadn’t moved on, not by a long shot. How could he, if he hadn’t even remotely begun to get over the loss of his other half in the first place? He had bottled it all up inside, but he could only take so much and that was why a year’s worth of tears and pain were pouring out of him and there was no stopping it.

 

Ray couldn’t say how long they had stayed like that, but eventually his sobs quieted down and he simply had no tears left. He felt like he got hit by a train, but at least that unbearable pressure in his chest had faded a little. Rose produced tissues from god knew where and he clumsily dried his eyes and blew his stuffed nose. When he was done, she handed him a glass of water, that he downed greedily before he collapsed into her embrace again. She smelled like Christmas, cinnamon, almonds and vanilla. It was such a comforting scent and it reminded Ray of joyful Boxing Days and quiet Christmas Eves. It took him another few minutes before he felt even remotely calm, his emotions were all over the place, he was a fucking mess. His glasses hung somewhat crooked upon his nose and were stained with tears, so he set them down onto the coffee table and buried his face in Rose’s shoulder again. He held onto her for dear life, both of his arms circling her slim waist. Delicate fingers were stroking his back through the thin fabric of his shirt and eventually he calmed down for real, although he couldn’t tell whether it was out of relief or exhaustion. Probably a bit of both. He didn’t even have the energy to think about what the fuck he was actually doing here, but in the end it was Rose’s soft voice, that brought him back to earth for real:

 

“You know… I know exactly how you feel. I’m a widow. His name was Benedict and he was the greatest guy I’ve ever met. We had a little girl… Grace. Everything was perfect, we were so happy, but then… My baby girl was only two years old when… it was a car accident. Ben took her to the doctor while I had a few courses at the university, because she had a fever. It was the 29th of November in 2010, the streets were frozen over… He made it to the hospital, but the doctors couldn’t save him. Gracie was… already d-dead when the ambulance arrived at the scene. That was seven years ago. You know, I don’t have any family since I’m a single child and my parents are already gone. And Ben’s family… we haven’t had any contact ever since. The few friends I had I pushed away, because I couldn’t stand being around anybody and seeing the pity in their eyes. I threw myself into work and graduated from college as one of the best of my year. But it took a really long time to get better. Actually I only started dealing with it for real last year when I found a new friend. He’s my lifeline, I’ve never known anybody like him and I’ve met a lot of great people through him. What I’m trying to say is: It gets better. You can pull through the pain and be happy again, you only have to find something that’s worth carrying on.”

 

Ray was barely able to keep up with what she said. He had seen the sadness in her eyes right from the beginning, but he never would have suspected something like this to be the reason for it. All he could do was hold her even tighter and whisper: “How did you get over it?” Because he really didn’t have a fucking clue how the hell he was supposed to carry on. “I never will. And neither will you. But the thing is – you don’t have to. It’s totally normal that you’re never gonna be the same again. Don’t just try to go back to business as usual, be yourself instead, the way you are now. Such a loss changes people, Ray. If you try to fight that fact and keep things the way they were before, your inner wounds won’t be able to heal. Give yourself time to mourn. It’s been a year, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be able to deal with it, okay? It will take as long as it takes, deadlines don’t work when it comes to such matters... But – correct me if I’m wrong – I got the impression that you all-out cling to your son and spend all of your energy trying desperately to be a perfect father and make up for the loss off his mother?”

 

And the dam broke again. Ray couldn’t believe she had seen through him so effortlessly! Her words hit him square in the chest and tore down all his walls in a matter of seconds. “What else can I do?”, he ground out while all he could focus on was not breaking down even more. “Hey, the way you said that it sounds as if it was something bad! What I actually wanted to say is that you shouldn’t forget yourself over caring for him so much. It’s impossible to be strong all the time, you have to let yourself be weak and release your pent up emotions every now and then. You need room to mourn, as well, you’re only human. Besides... When was the last time you met up with your friends? When was the last time you’ve gone out on your own or done something for yourself, indulged yourself? This won’t work in the long run if you’re so focused on Tony, he’s gonna need leeway growing up and maybe it would do you both good to… release him a bit?”, she said quietly. Ray swallowed hard and nodded a little.

 

Of course she was right. Not only had he pushed away his friends when they had tried to be there for him, but also again and again found reasons to decline whenever they had asked him to hang out with them. Now that he thought about it, it had been a few weeks since the last time Frank had invited him over. Taking care of Tony was pretty much all that still mattered to him and he did that almost obsessively, it kinda was his last stand. Even though everything else had pretty much gone to shit, his son was the one thing he refused to let down. He barely slept and when Tony was at pre school, he simply laid on the couch and wasted time on the internet more often than not. It was so fucking hard to get up again, he just put everything off until he had no other choice but to get going, which resulted in further neglect of his former life. So yeah, he kept the house clean and his son busy, but he couldn’t remember the last time he had done anything else because he had truly wanted to. Things he had loved a year ago had become a chore to him, not even music cheered him up, there were simply too many memories connected to his favorite songs, Christa was everywhere and her loss loomed over him like a dark shadow he couldn’t get rid of.

 

“Try to see more than your last moments with her. Don’t forget the good times amongst the pain. Remember how you met, your wedding, the day Tony was born. Keep her memory alive by finding a place for her in your and Tony’s lives. Maybe you could write her a song or put up a picture of her somewhere in the house. And then find something you want to do with your life and make her proud”, Rose whispered as if she had read his mind. Something he wanted? Ha, he knew only too well what that was. “I want My Chem back”, Ray whined pathetically. His band had been everything he had ever dreamed of and more. He still couldn’t believe that it was actually over. Gerard had always said that he hadn’t planned for it to go on after The Black Parade, but Ray would have been so okay with playing together for the rest of their lives. Iron Maiden had been around for 42 years, the Stones even for 55, they totally could have done that, too. He had been devastated after the break up. Until this day, he had no idea why Gerard had wanted out. Sure, he had said something about drinking, but Ray didn’t quite buy it. There had to be a reason for his relapse, he had coped with the stress and the spotlight for _years_ without an incident. He guessed that Gee would eventually tell them. He always did sooner or later, but it had been nearly five years, for God’s sake!

 

Rose let out a deep sigh. “An awful lot of people want that. But who knows whether it’s ever gonna happen? You’re a great artist, Ray, you don’t need the others to create exceptional music. ‘Remember The Laughter’ is a magnificent record, really. But you could do anything you want! Go back into film business, give guitar lessons, write a book, design your very own guitar or start a new band for all I care, but no matter what, you have to look forward. Living in the past isn’t healthy. Ray nodded again and felt his cheeks heat up at her praise. He disagreed, there was absolutely nothing special about him and he never would have made it on his own. But she was right about the looking forward ting, he knew that much, although that was so much easier said than done.

 

At some point during her little speech her hands had started stoking his hair. And as they were enveloped by silence and all he could hear was her steady heartbeat beneath his cheek, Ray sighed contentedly and leaned into her touch. Tender fingers scratched his scalp and massaged his head and it felt so incredibly good. This tiny little bit of human warmth was exactly what Ray needed and he realized just now how much so. He would live in this moment forever if he had his way, his body relaxed and he felt deliciously heavy and content. Eventually Rose wriggled out from underneath him and laid down next to him in order to pull him into her arms for real. Ray hummed contentedly and snuggled up into her warmth. His arms wrapped around her waist again, his head rested on her chest and his legs intertwined with hers. There was nothing even remotely sexual in their touch, they were simply two people, who had been through hell and back and were comforting each other as best they could.

 

“Daddy? Can’t sleep.” Tony’s muffled voice sounded from somewhere behind them. Ray had nearly dozed off and blinked a few times to get his bearings. But before he could stand up and take care of his son, the boy had already climbed up on the sofa and nestled down between them. Rays lips twitched into a smile and he pulled the blanket from earlier over all of them before he enveloped Tony and Rose in his arms and closed his eyes again. “Daddy, why are you sad?”, his son asked him in a very small voice. Oh shit, Ray probably looked like a mess after his crying fit a few minutes ago. Damnit, he had never wanted Tony to see him like this! “Because I miss Mommy”, he managed to whisper after a while, even though a heavy lump was forming in his throat. “Me too”, the little guy replied quietly and Rays heart broke a little more. That lost, resigned tone of his son’s voice was the worst thing he had ever heard. There were a few seconds of tense silence and then… “Daddy, can I have a new mommy?” What!? Ray had to fight very hard not to jerk violently and fall off the couch. What the hell was he supposed to say to that?! To his infinite relief Rose chimed in and said: “You know, Tony, everybody only ever has one mom. And yours is up in heaven and watches over you. But maybe your dad will have a girlfriend one day and she’ll love you just as much as your mom did.” Tony looked as if he was thinking very hard, he furrowed his brow and bit his lips until he eventually blurted out: “Can _you_ be Daddy’s girlfriend?”

 

Ray honestly didn’t know whether to pray for the floor to open up and swallow him or to laugh out loud at that. He was completely and utterly speechless. Rose was a magnificent woman, she could do so much better than him! The mere thought was ridiculous, there was no way in hell. “I think your dad’s gonna have a thing or two to say about that, hm? Anyway, we all should try to sleep, it’s late and you need the rest if you want to grow as big and strong as him”, she stated in a no-nonsense kind of tone. Ray really hoped that she couldn’t see the blush, that spread across his cheeks at those words. Working out was his strategy of choice when it came to battling his nightmares. He would run miles and miles on his treadmill or pound away at his punching bag until his mind would shut up and he fell back asleep from pure exhaustion. So yeah, at least two sessions of nightly training every week definitely paid off. Ray was bulkier than he had ever been before, he didn’t even know whether his old stage clothes still fit.

 

Tony pouted a little when Rose changed the topic, but then he gave her his best puppy dog eyes and begged her: “Tell me a story? Please?” She chuckled quietly and began a tale Ray had never heard before. It seemed to be some kind of Cinderella story, but there were three magic hazelnuts, an owl named Rosalie, a horse, a dog and crossbows, for some reason. His son loved it and Ray was so utterly captivated, that he actually begged her to continue even after Tony had fallen asleep in her arms. He smiled at the image of his son, who clung to the beautiful woman beside him. A warmth, that had nothing to do with the blanket, crept through his chest and he found himself smiling yet again. Up until a few hours ago he had been so horribly numb inside, but ever since their heart-to-heart on this very couch Ray felt as if someone had kicked open the door to the room he had locked his emotions in and he didn’t quite know how to deal with it. But right now he was just so thankful for this little surge of happiness the sleeping form of his son in a strangers arms had given him.

 

“Well… looks like some young man wants to set his father up”, Rose stated with an amused grin. Ray peered at her through his lashes as he felt his face heat up. “Yup… sorry ‘bout that”, he mumbled awkwardly. “Hey, it’s perfectly normal that he wants what his friends have, it must be really hard for him to see them with their mothers all the time. He’s a child, he doesn’t know any better”, she said with a shrug. Tony stirred a little in her arms and buried his face even deeper in her dress. Ray sighed heavily. “Have you been with anybody since… you know?”, he dared to ask after a while and was met with her sad smile. “No. I tried a few times, but it just… didn’t feel right, no one has ever come even close to Ben. I haven’t been with anybody in seven years”, she replied quietly. “Seriously?”, Ray blurted out before he could stop himself. Seven years?! She blushed a little and pressed a tender kiss to Tony’s hair. Wow. That was a fucking long time. He swallowed hard when a crazy thought crossed his mind. He had no idea where it had come from, but he had just realized that she would leave in a few hours and he might never see her again after that. And Ray had a problem with that, even though he didn’t understand why. Her company was simultaneously invigorating, calming and intriguing. So he went with his gut for the second time today and whispered: “So… uhm… may I… like… take you out for dinner sometime?” Damn, when had it become so difficult to ask a beautiful woman out? He hadn’t done that in years!

 

To is infinite relief she beamed at him and said: “I’d like that.” Thank God, it would have been the epitome of awkwardness if she had ditched him! Ray breathed a sigh of relief and held his breath when she tenderly brushed a curl off his forehead and behind his ear. “What about tomorrow?”, he inquired before he could chicken out of it. He knew very well that he would be a total mess of anxiety and nerves if he put it off too long. “That’s fine. But I won’t be able to stay out too late, I’ve got a patient on Monday morning, who’s very important to me”, she replied and Ray felt on top of the world. He never would have thought that he would ever go on a date with a woman as gorgeous as her! Damn, he would have to make a few calls first thing in the morning, he didn’t even have a car at the moment, for fuck’s sake! And he would have to ask his mom whether Tony could spend the night.

 

“What time is it anyways?”, Rose asked him and suppressed a yawn. Ray glanced at the clock behind them and told her that it was just after midnight. “Well, I guess I should get going. I’m just gonna call a taxi, it’s been a little too much wine for driving”, she murmured and tried to gently untangle herself from Tony’s grip. “You know, I do have a guest room. Why don’t you spend the night?”, Ray offered immediately. She laid back down with a sigh of relief. “Thank you. But the couch is totally fine”, she murmured. Just then his son murmured something about them being too loud and was quickly soothed by Rose’s hands, that caressed his hair. Ray relaxed back into the pillows and was out like a light within moments, one last smile lingering on his lips.


	2. Can’t Fight Against The Youth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have created a board on pinterest for those of you, who are interested in a few pics and videos/songs, that are featured in this story.
> 
> https://www.pinterest.de/batbeltbuckle/i-am-not-afraid-to-keep-on-living/
> 
> Also, I'm really sorry for what happened to Christa in the first chapter. 
> 
> There's a tiny little bit of Spanish in this chapter, but it's not essential for the plot.

The next morning Ray awoke to the light of a cool winter sun falling in through the window and a warm body pressed up to his. He blinked slowly and tried to remember the last time he had actually slept this well. Sighing contently, he buried his nose in silky hair and inhaled a comforting Christmas scent. Rose. She was still here, her arm was slung over his belly and she had buried her face in his chest. Ray pulled her even closer. It had been so long since he had held anyone, because he had been so good at pushing people away that he hadn’t gotten the warmth and the closeness he would have needed so badly. But this… it felt so damn good. That was when he remembered that he had actually asked her out yesterday night. Oooh shit, what had he been thinking!? Apparently he had been completely out of it, how could he have done something so important so thoughtlessly? He couldn’t just… what if they gave it a go and it didn’t work out? What if Tony got even more attached to her only to lose her again when they broke up? How could he have put his only son at risk like that?! He was internally panicking and about to lose it for good when suddenly she stirred and stretched with a cute little groan, that was damn distracting and brought yet another smile to Ray’s lips.

 

“What time is it?”, she growled and yawned adorably. “Dunno. Does it matter?”, he replied hesitantly. He really couldn’t care less, it was Sunday, for crying out loud, and he had more important issues to worry about. Ray glanced down at her and was met with a pair of huge cerulean blue eyes. They were a bright icy blue around the iris with a darker ocean blue ring around the outer rim. All of a sudden his stomach got all fluttery and his heart started pumping faster and faster. Ray had no idea who started it, but somehow they leaned in and got closer and closer. It kinda just… happened, his mind was totally blank and time seemed to stand still. He couldn’t even actually think about what he was gonna do in just a few seconds… Warm breath ghosted over his skin. Rose’s nose gently bumped into his and heart skipped a beat as a jolt of electricity shot through his body. Rays eyes fell closed on their own accord and he swallowed hard before opening his lips a little. He felt the heat of her skin, could almost taste her when… CRASH!!!

 

They jumped apart, he shot up from the couch and sprinted over to the kitchen, where Tony stood amongst porcelain shards. Rays heart nearly beat out of his chest. His son had dropped a few plates by the looks of it and nearly scared him to death in the process. Jesus, that had definitely woken him up, thank you very much, kiddo. Ray took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his racing pulse and counted to ten before he asked the little mischief-maker: “What do you think you’re doing?” His son looked up at him with huge, innocent eyes and explained without missing a beat: “I’m making breakfast. Because then you and Rose can go sleep with each other a little more and she’s gonna be my new mommy and I get a little brother.” Ray literally felt his jaw hit the floor. Where the hell had his sweet little boy learned about sex already!? _What the fuck_ , how did he even get such an idea?! It was bad enough, that he had had to explain to him that Jesus Christ wasn’t a bad word a few days ago, but this really took the cake. And Rose’s hysteric giggling behind him didn’t help at all. Damn, he really had hoped to not have to worry about _that_ talk for a few more years. _Fuck my life, the joys of parenthood_ , he thought resignedly and ruffled his hair while searching for the right words.

 

Ray was still frozen in place when Rose surpassed him, carefully lifted up his son and sat him on top of the kitchen counter. “Listen up, young man, that’s not as easy as you think it is and little brothers don’t come over night”, she stated as she took a few ingredients out of the fridge and set about making pancakes. Ray just stood there while she explained patiently that making babies was actually kinda difficult and that it took a really long time. Besides, there was usually no actual sleeping involved in sleeping with each other. Actually… Ray shook his head incredulously when she gave his son the full talk about the birds and the bees and answered his questions as if she had done just that with hundreds of kids before. He was so fucking grateful that he even went a little weak at the knees. He had always been shy when it came to his sex life and never given in to one-night stands or groupies (unlike other people… **cough** Mikey **cough** ). Whenever a conversation swayed to saucy themes, he would shut up as much as possible and try not to blush (and he still remembered that damn interview when he had begged their fans to stop making them have sex with each other in their fan fiction, but it just _had_ to be said). Whatever. He probably would have died of embarrassment if he had had to give Tony the talk and he could have kissed Rose for relieving him of that task.

 

Speaking of which… Suddenly Ray’s brain got back into gear and screamed at him what the hell he had been thinking a few minutes ago. His emotions were running wild, but the prevalent ones were confusion and shock. Somehow he started to clean up the shards and set the table, but it was purely mechanic, his mind was elsewhere. His thoughts were wreaking havoc… He really would have kissed her if Tony hadn’t had either the world’s best or worst timing, depending how he looked at it. What was _wrong_ with him?! He had a son, he couldn’t simply throw himself headfirst into an adventure or even a serious relationship. Tony had to come first, no matter what, and he just couldn’t risk him getting hurt. ‘But you wanted it’, whispered a traitorous little voice in his head. Ray clenched his jaw. Of course he had. For the first time in a year he felt somewhat… alive. Yeah, that was the word. It was as if Rose had awoken him from hibernation.

 

He didn’t want to admit it, but all denial aside, he really did want to give whatever was developing between them a shot. And, if he was brutally honest with himself, he had, for the briefest moment, imagined doing what his son had so innocently suggested. His long neglected cock gave an interested twitch at the mental image of Rose beneath him, flushed and sweaty, begging for it as he fucked her. Ray had pretty much lived like a monk this past year, only clinically dealing with the occasional morning wood in the shower. This was new. It honestly scared the shit out of him how much he was affected by a woman he had met not even 24 hours ago, but he just couldn’t help it. And he couldn’t simply call off their date either, his mom had raised him better than that. Ray decided to take it slow and go with the flow. Maybe he was gonna be lucky for once and life still had something in stall for him after all. Even though he was just a depressed old sod of forty years with a son and a shit-ton of emotional baggage.

 

Finally they ate together and Ray moaned with pleasure when he tried her pancakes. They were so fluffy and perfect, even better than his mom’s, and that counted for a lot! However, the bliss was short lived, because Tony asked as a matter of course: “Can I have those every day when you become my new mommy?” Damnit, kid, just let it be! Rose sighed and blushed a little. “That’s for your father to decide. We don’t even know whether he likes me at all, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay?”, she mumbled awkwardly. Oh man, Ray wanted to curl up and die. This was so cringeworthy, it wasn’t even funny anymore. “But Abuela says that men in love are idiots and Dad looked just like an idiot earlier!” Ray choked on his coffee and Rose burst into peals of laughter. “I didn’t!”, he almost yelled indignantly. Rose only laughed even harder and Tony raised an eyebrow in a way, that was strangely reminiscent of Mikey. It was quiet for a while after that, but then his son asked in a shaky voice: “So you don’t love her, Daddy?” He looked as if he was about to burst into tears. Ray sighed. How the hell was he supposed to disappoint his son without crushing him?

 

Once again he was saved by Rose. She placed a hand on Tony’s shoulder and said: “Love takes time. It doesn’t grow over night, it takes years.” She really had the right touch with him, it was actually a little creepy how easily the two of them had connected. His son nodded, but he still looked so dejected it made Ray’s chest ache. “Hey buddy, how about I take Rose out for dinner tonight?”, he said without thinking and Tony’s face immediately brightened up. “Like a date?”, he wanted to know eagerly and as Ray shook his head yes, his son squealed in excitement. “That’s so cool!”, he exclaimed and clapped his hands happily. Wow. If only Ray had known that this was what it took to bring such a beaming smile to the little guy’s face, he might have considered dating again months ago. Or not. After all it was _Rose_ they were talking about, she was as special as they came and he just didn’t do random hook-ups. She was different. She was more already.

 

“So… you’d have to have a sleepover at your abuela’s, okay?”, Ray proposed and was met with another raised eyebrow. Tony turned to face Rose and said dead serious: “Only if you give Daddy a kiss tonight.” What the… dang, Ray was definitely cursing too much, by far, even if he didn’t voice it. “Well… we’ll see about that”, Rose murmured while her cheeks lit up beautifully. God, Ray definitely wouldn’t put up much of a fight, that was for sure. Thankfully his son left soon after and took off towards his room. Silence ensued and it was so fucking awkward. “Well, I’ve never seen him like this before”, Ray mumbled eventually. Tony playing matchmaker was so embarrassing, he really couldn’t get over it. “It’s okay, Ray. Honestly. My best friend has a son his age and he’s a handful, too”, Rose said with a smile. Hm. Suddenly that almost-kiss they had shared a while ago came back to the forefront of Ray’s mind. “Listen… that thing earlier…”, he started without meaning to or even knowing what he actually wanted to say. Why couldn’t he just shut up and get over it, for God’s sake!? “Ray, we’ve been alone for a very long time, both of us. I think that we simply mistook the plain need for human warmth and comfort for something else and kinda… got carried away a little. I would have loved kissing you, but that isn’t a very good idea for various reasons, at least not yet. Why don’t we just take it slow? I mean – I know pretty much everything, that was written about you over the years, and I’ve probably seen every single interview you’ve ever given, but that’s not enough for me. And you know absolutely nothing about me”, she pointed out and Ray couldn’t help but agree. This entire thing was crazy and totally out of character for him, but that didn’t stop him, quite the contrary, in fact. 

 

Ray nodded slowly and sighed. All of a sudden his plate had become reeeeally interesting. “I’m scared, you know? Tony’s already so attached to you… I mean… he’d probably be really happy if you moved in like tomorrow, but… I just can’t rush into this. I want to do this right. Baby steps”, he managed to say and was relieved when she smiled and nodded. Thank god they were at the same page, at least. After clearing the table, they ascended the stairs so that Rose could say goodbye to Tony. But when they entered his room, they found him amongst pretty much all the pencils he owned. He had dawn a picture. There was a figure with crazy brown curls, a smaller one with yellow hair and a third with short brown locks. And then there was some kind of cradle and an animal, that was apparently supposed to be a dog. Sweet Jesus, Ray had a feeling that this thing was either gonna end in happily ever after or a catastrophe. Knowing his luck, it would probably be the latter. Ever since the break up of My Chem, everything had gone to shit, so why should this be any different?

 

It was about five minutes after Rose had left when he realized what day it was. Shit. The 10th of December. Ray hated it with a passion. The day he had lost his wife, his other half, the love of his life. That was when it hit him. He actually had a _date_ tonight. On his wife’s death’s anniversary. How the hell had he not thought of this!? Ray felt awful. He wanted to curl up and cry. It would be really shitty to stand Rose up, but actually going out with her would be even worse, right? God, he didn’t know what to do! Guilt bubbled up in his stomach and threatened to choke him. Today was all about Christa, how could he just shove her aside like that? It felt like cheating, even though she was dead and gone and he technically free to date whoever he wanted. Whatever he did, he could only go wrong. After a good thirty minutes of agonized brooding and internal debates with himself, Ray pulled himself together and got Tony ready for Sunday lunch at is parent’s. He also gathered some things his son would need for his sleepover, even if he didn’t even know whether it would still be necessary. Next he called a friend of his, who had a repair shop and agreed to take care of his car, that was still parked in front of Starbucks. In the end he hailed a taxi for them to get to his parent’s house and spent the ride wracking his brains for a way out of this mess.

 

The drive took about ten minutes, since his parents lived only two towns from him in Berkeley Heights. Ray squared his shoulders before ringing the doorbell and putting on his brave facade. His eldest brother Louis opened the door and Ray gave him a hug. He looked just like always, slightly shorter than him, a little chubby, scruffy, his short brown curls already graying and a beaming smile on his face. He ruffled Tony’s hair and barely got in a hello before the little dude announced: “Daddy’s got a girlfriend!” Yeah. Just great. What had he ever done to deserve this? But Lou’s face was priceless, he had to give him that. He was frozen in place and stared at Ray as if he was an alien or something. Tony had already kicked off his shoes and taken off into the house when his brother snapped out of it and gave him another, bone-crushing hug. “I’m so happy for you, bro, you have no idea”, he said in a slightly choked voice and Ray felt his facade crack a little. He knew only too well that Christa’s death had been a punch to the gut for every single member of his family and that they were worried about him (which was why he was pretending to be okay so stubbornly – he didn’t want to make it worse, they all had enough on their plates already).

 

“Thanks, man, but to be honest – she’s not my girlfriend… I think. I kinda asked her out and I met her like yesterday, so… yeah. No idea what we are”, Ray tried to put things into perspective. Louis gave him a shit-eating grin and wiped his eyes before he said: “Whatever. You’re finally coming out of your shell and starting to live again, man, that’s all that matters to me. God, Mom’s gonna be over the moon!” Ray sighed quietly. He wasn’t sure whether he would be able to handle so much enthusiasm, but judging by the excited squeal from the kitchen, he didn’t have much of a choice. Louis barely managed to jump aside when a seventy-year-old whirlwind rushed down the hall and covered Ray’s face in kisses. Jesus Christ! “Mamá!”, Ray ground out when she nearly throttled him to death. “Oh, my baby, I can’t believe it, cómo se llama, cuéntame todo!”, she demanded as she all but pinned him against the wall, even though she was like seven inches shorter than him, and cupped both of his cheeks in her hands. Ray glanced down at her and swallowed when he saw her cry tears of joy.

 

María Ortiz was her usual self, all white curls, glasses, a huge flowery apron, kind brown eyes and a smile, that carved deep wrinkles into her loving face. But today was the first time in a year that there was so much life in her features. “Uhmm… her name is Rose and… I’m actually starving, what smells so good?”, he tried to change the topic. Louis burst out laughing and exclaimed smugly: “No way you’re getting off so lightly, pequeño! I want all the saucy details!” Idiot. Ray flipped him off behind their mother’s back, which earned him another fit of giggles. Before he knew it, he was dragged towards the dining room and pushed down into his usual seat. Everybody else was already there, apparently they had only been waiting for them. Tony was busy whispering to Louis’ two daughters Emily and Sue. They were already ten and thirteen years old and his son seemed to revel in the fact that for once _he_ had something really interesting to tell. Judging by the curious looks and huge smiles on his family’s faces, news had already spread. His mom placed a few bowls of yellow rice and pigeon peas with roasted pork on the table before she settled down and reached for the hands of her husband and eldest son, who were sitting next to her.

 

Ray bowed his head and closed his eyes as she said grace. She thanked God for the food on their table, their good health and the time they could spend with each other. But then she hesitated for a moment before she whispered: “And we thank you for answering our prayers and granting my baby boy a second chance at happiness. Please bless him and Rose and their relationship. Amen” Daaaang… Ray really didn’t know what to say to that other than a murmured Amen. He probably wouldn’t have put it like that. Another chance at happiness? Maybe that was what it was, even though that phrase scared the shit out of him. They had met like, what, eighteen hours ago? A relationship? Definitely not. At this point they were acquaintances at best. “So her name is _Rose_?”, the younger of his two elder brothers wanted to know. Dominic was only two years older than Ray and he was a very committed bachelor. He was a photographer, and a good one at that. There would be a girlfriend for a few weeks every now and then, but he just loved his freedom too much to settle down (unlike Ray and Louis, who were family people through and through). Dom was always up to date when it came to fashion and all kinds of trends and he wore a dark blue hoodie over a white shirt, that peeked out everywhere, and plaid trousers with huge turnbacks. He had his brown curls pulled back into a bun and Ray never got over how effortless it looked on him while he had to put a hell of a lot of effort into taming his own mane. So yeah, Dominic was the hipster, Louis was the literal dad in every meaning of the word and Ray had once been the rock star. Now he was just the depressed guy, who didn’t give a fuck how he looked. Whatever.

 

He filled his plate as he answered: “Yeah, it is.” “Oh come on, son, give an old man a break and spill already!”, his dad chimed in impatiently. He was sat two chairs down from Ray at the head of the table and giving him a stern look over his glasses. He really did look good for his 71 years of life, thick silver hair, an impressive mustache and laugh lines all over his face. Ray had inherited his full lips and his brown eyes, but aside from that they didn’t look much alike. He sighed quietly. “She’s reeeeally pretty, she plays cool stuff on the piano and she can sing and she makes the bestest pancakes and she slept on the couch with Daddy and me”, Tony blazoned out on his other side. Oh dear… “What the heck, you just said that she _wasn’t_ your girlfriend and now you’re telling me that you slept with her on that tiny couch of yours?”, Louis blurted out incredulously. Ray groaned and buried his face in his palms. “Fuck my life”, he whispered to himself and rubbed his eyes tiredly before he took a deep breath and told the entire story from the beginning (although he left out his breakdown in the middle of the night and Tony’s idea of reproduction in the morning). He finished saying: “So, I asked her out for dinner. But it’s _tonight_ and now I don’t know what to do. I mean – today of all days!”

 

Once again he saw his wife die in his arms. Logically he knew that it wasn’t his fault, but that was hard to believe when he was the one, who had gotten her pregnant in the first place and hadn’t been there when she would have needed him the most. “Ray, I believe that you should go. I don’t think that Christa would have wanted you to hole yourself up so much. She would have wanted you to be happy. And today might be the anniversary, but we all feel her loss pretty much all the time, so it’s just another day without her. And maybe it’s destiny that you met Rose just now?”, his sister-in-law, Liza, said tentatively. She gave him a warm smile, that lit up her green eyes and brushed a strand of her fiery red hair behind her ear. Well, Ray didn’t believe in destiny and even his faith in God had been damaged almost beyond repair last year, but he did get her meaning. Everyone around the table agreed emphatically and encouraged him to go through with it. Next thing he knew, he was pestered with all kinds of questions. He told them pretty much everything he knew about Rose (which wasn’t all that much, he didn’t even know her last name, for crying out loud), except for the fact that she had been married and a mother before. It simply wasn’t his place to share that story. His mom offered eagerly to take care of Tony for the remainder of the day and his brothers actually fought over who was allowed to lend him his car (he took Dom’s in the end, since Louis drove a truly hideous soccer mom wagon and he definitely preferred a Mustang to a battered Subaru). The rest of the meal went pretty well and he had nearly managed to escape relatively unnoticed when his mother caught him by the door, dragged him to the bathroom and insisted on cutting his hair before she let him go on his date. Apparently he had grossly underestimated the consequences a random encounter in a coffee shop parking lot could have.

 

A few hours later he adjusted his tie for what felt like the hundredth time. The last time he had worn a suit had been his grandma’s funeral in October and the one before that he couldn’t even remember. He had spent nearly an hour getting ready. For the first time in forever he had actually put product in his hair and dried it in a way that didn’t leave it looking like a rat's nest. Normally he would just tie it in a messy ponytail and let it dry on its own, but today was different. He had also shortened his beard considerably. Somehow he hadn’t even realized how long it had gotten, but now he was back to a 3-day-stubble. Somewhere in the deep recesses of his cabinets, he had even found a bottle of cologne. Then he had thrown on one of the three suits he owned: his wedding tux, the one he and the guys had bought together for the NME awards six years ago and a newer one he had never worn before (but that was the only one, that still fit comfortably after all of his nightly workout). It was a dark gray, but kinda shiny. He never would have bought something like this, it had been a gift from Dominic, so it was maybe even kinda fashionable. Ray had chosen a black and silver striped tie and a white shirt with silver cuff links. He looked as good as it was probably gonna get.

 

To say that he was nervous would be a fucking understatement. His palms were sweaty and he was holding the flowers he had bought on the way in a literal death grip. Since he didn’t know what were Rose’ favorites, he had given the friendly old Asian woman in the flower shop free reign and she had selected white roses and some kind of light pink lilies with yellow and dark pink stripes in the center. They looked great and smelled amazing, if Ray said so himself. He swallowed hard, adjusted his tie one last time and rang the doorbell at precisely 7pm. Rose had texted him her address a few hours ago and he had spent the entire car ride freaking out (and deliberately _not_ thinking of their almost kiss this morning, for God’s sake!). She lived not quite half an hour away from him in Springfield. It was a nice little two-story house, white wood panels, a powder blue door and dark gray shingles and shutters. There were Christmas lights everywhere around the quiet neighborhood and the air was cool and clean. Ray imagined that it had to be really nice and green in summer – a perfect place to raise children and start a family.

 

Just then Rose opened the door and Ray was rendered completely speechless. She wore a tight, ruby colored, knee-length velvet dress, that hugged her curves in a way, that had his mouth bone dry. Her make up was tuned up a notch compared to yesterday, her deep red lips matched the color of her dress and her smokey eyes were downright hypnotizing. Soft blonde curls fell down her nape and between her full, creamy breasts glittered a silver necklace. It took Ray a second to recognize it, but that was definitely the Evenstar from Lord of the Rings. God, he loved nerds! Wow. Just… wow. “You're so beautiful”, he whispered in awe and blushed slightly when she smiled at him and her shoulders sagged in relief. “Thank you. I was actually worried that it was too much, I haven’t done this in a while”, she replied sheepishly. It most definitely wasn’t. She was perfect. “Me neither. But I think the guy is supposed to get his date some flowers, unless they changed the rules since I last checked”, Ray managed to say with a smile. She giggled slightly at that and whispered: “Thank you so much, they are wonderful. I haven’t been given flowers in forever.” He finally relaxed. It was okay. It was just the two of them, no pressure, only testing the waters. She was just as insecure as he was. _You’ve got this_ , he told himself while he waited for her to take care of the bouquet.

 

Only a few minutes later they were on the road. Ray had chosen a fancy Italian restaurant for tonight. He had been there a few times with his parents whenever he had come to visit from L.A. and taken them out for dinner. Frank had recommended it ages ago and Ray had kinda stuck with it ever since. It was called 'Scalini Fedeli' and Rose’s eyes lit up when he parked his brother’s Mustang in the backyard. “Oh, I’ve heard of this place, my best friend talks about it all the time, but we never got around to actually coming here. I’ve been wanting to go for ages!”, she explained with a beaming smile. Ray returned it and breathed an internal sigh of relief. Apparently he hadn’t messed up this entire thing after all. His mom would be proud of him.

 

He offered her his arm when they made their way inside and felt his stomach flutter when she took it. It was kinda distracting and he barely managed to hold open the door and lead her to their table without stumbling. They were seated at a table for two off the beaten track, just like he had requested. He was a well known face in Jersey, after all, and could do well without finding pictures of them all over social media tomorrow. Not that he would see it, he hadn’t bothered to check twitter in a year. The house had high vaulted ceilings, antique pine wood floors and the furniture gave him slightly Tuscan vibes. It was classy, yet cozy and Rose seemed to love it straight away. He pulled back her chair and sat down himself, but then he noticed how the candlelight danced in her blue eyes and was lost. They didn’t say a single word, just looked at each other in silence and Ray felt an odd, tingling warmth spread through his chest. Even though the thoughts of his wife were omnipresent in his mind and a part of him still felt awful because he had gone through with his plans… this was right. He felt it, he just _knew_.

 

A waiter brought their menus and he let her choose the wine since he wasn’t very well versed when it came to that. After placing their orders, there was an awkward silence. Ray wracked his brains for something to say and blurted out with the first thing, that came to mind: “I’ve been wanting to ask you – what’s your last name? I mean, I just realized today, when I had lunch with my family, that I don’t even know your full name...” That was when their wine arrived. She tried it and nodded before the waiter filled their glasses. As soon as they were left alone again, they clinked glasses and Ray took a tentative sip. Usually wine wasn't his thing, but she had chosen well, he actually liked it, not too sweet, yet kinda fruity. "Is it okay?", she asked him shyly. "Definitely, I like it. I'm actually a beer guy, but this is good", he replied readily and reveled in another one of her smiles. The best part were those impossibly cute dimples, he hadn't even noticed them before, but they were gorgeous. "To answer your question: it's Rose Edith Morrison. And let me guess: Raymond Manuel Toro Ortiz, right?" Ray chuckled slightly to himself. "Should have seen that coming. I forgot how much you already know about me. And for the record, thank you for not pestering me with questions about the band, I don't think I could handle it, even though it's been nearly five years", he said earnestly. Now that he thought about it, it was really rare to meet a fan, who had followed them as long and thoroughly as her and be treated like a regular guy.

 

“As I said, I can contain myself. And I know a _lot_ about you guys anyway. There’s really just one thing I would like to ask you, but that’s fine, I will survive not satisfying my curiosity”, Rose stated with a shrug. Daaang, now _Ray’s_ curiosity was piqued. “Come on, spill. One question, but I can’t guarantee that I will answer”, he prompted her and waited with baited breath for her next words. She leaned back, took a sip of her wine and looked him up and down with a very serious face. Ray nearly regretted asking her, it probably was about that infernal Frerard thing and he refused to answer that.

 

Finally she said him with a perfectly straight face: "How much gel did they put into your hair to tame the fro for 'The Ghost Of You'?" Ray couldn't help it, he burst out laughing. Not just a giggle, full on hysteric belly-laughter. God, he hadn't laughed like this in a year! "Out of everything you could ask me, _that's_ what you want to know?", he ground out breathlessly as he wiped his eyes and gasped for breath. Jesus! She grinned at him like a Cheshire cat. “Well… it was like… gallons of the stuff… just kidding. They used some kind of oil pomade and it wasn’t even that much. But it took like an hour and it was horrible to wash out afterwards. I’m never doing that again, whenever someone messes with my hair, the result is a nightmare”, he explained. Ray had fond memories of Bob slapping Mikey in the face with a huge fuzzy mic he had stolen from one of the camera guys. Or Frank saying ‘when my balls got wet, that’s when I got scared’ after their boat nearly would have sunk and they very nearly would have drowned on some random beach in Malibu. Yeah, that particular video shoot had been interesting. “Oh, I don’t know, I kinda like the pictures of you with straightened hair”, Rose chimed in and Ray raised his hands in self-defense. “I swear to God, I’m never ever letting neither a flat iron nor Mikey Way near my hair again! He burnt my ears like three times!”, He exclaimed indignantly. No fucking Way.

 

The waiter came back with their appetizers. Prosecco poached Maryland crab meat and leeks with a sherry laced mustard sauce for Rose and a four mushroom risotto with crispy zucchini for him. Their conversation became easier and easier, Ray didn’t even notice how time flew by (or what he was actually eating, for that matter). Rose was so captivating, he just couldn’t tear his eyes from her. And he learned a lot about her, too. Her dad was from Newark and her mom was German. They had met when her father had been stationed in Germany and hit it off right away. That explained her middle name, after her German grandmother. She shared a practice with two other psychotherapists and specialized in the treatment of PTSD. Therefore there were quite a lot of soldiers amongst her patients, but also victims of all kinds of crimes or accidents. Ray had a hell of a lot of respect for the work she did, she was literally saving lives on a daily basis (and he most definitely did _not_ think that he used to do the exact same thing). She had learned how to play the piano from her dad and a friend of hers had taught her a few chords on the guitar.

 

In exchange he told her about his family. Over the years he had tried very hard to keep them out of the limelight and as far as he knew, he had succeeded. Even Rose only knew that he had two elder brothers, who had introduced him to music and that he was of Puerto Rican and Portuguese ancestry. Well, okay, she knew that Louis had once played Teenagers with them in 2007, but that was pretty much it. So he filled her in and also mentioned how he had been shaken down today during family lunch. The rest of the evening went by as they talked about everything under the sun, even politics (and Ray beamed at her when he found out that she was an inveterate Trump-opponent and hated guns, just like him). Actually the entire evening was going almost too smoothly and Ray was subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop. It really was too good to be true.

 

He drove her home after a good two hours and caught himself not wanting the evening to end. For the first time in forever he had felt like himself and just been a man, who was going out with a beautiful woman. It was this sense of normalcy, that he had craved for so long. Rose had made him feel special, wanted and appreciated. She probably didn’t even know how much that meant to him, but then again – it was her. Most likely she understood him better than he did. Ray sighed quietly when he pulled up into her driveway and shut off the motor. He had never been very good at goodbyes and didn’t want things to turn awkward again. They walked to the door together and Ray wracked his brains for something to say. “I had a lot of fun tonight”, she whispered and smiled shyly. “Me too”, Ray responded. He swallowed hard and arduously mustered up the courage to add: “I’d like to repeat that some time, if that’s alright with you?” Her smile widened until her dimples dug into her cheeks. “I’d love that. Thank you”, she said and Ray’s stomach did a somersault. Suddenly she closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as she gave him a hug. Ray sighed and relaxed into her touch while he slung his arms around her waist and pulled her close. He let her comforting Christmas scent wash over him and closed his eyes as he breathed her in. Cold wind was tugging at their clothes, but Ray couldn't have cared less. Nothing could pierce the wonderful warmth, that arose from his chest and spread throughout his entire body.

 

Eventually Rose pulled back and their gazes locked. She was so beautiful, he just couldn’t look away. Ray felt what was gonna happen even before his brain caught on or his body followed its overwhelming instincts. He didn’t even try to fight it, it was a lost cause anyway. As tenderly as he could, he cupped her cheek and drowned in her blue eyes. Their breaths were swirling inbetween them in white clouds as she huddled up to him for warmth. Ray had denied himself any physical contact for the last year (except for his mom’s hugs, those definitely didn’t count), which was why he was so starved for affection by now, that he simply blended out all the voices in his head, that were screaming at him to back off. Ever so slowly he leaned in and lifted her chin. Her hands snaked around his neck as she lifted herself up on her tip toes, meeting him halfway. The tension in Ray’s body increased to the point of choking him and his heart was beating a mile a minute. He carefully covered her lips with his. _Finally_. His chest felt like bursting. She was so soft and so sweet, it was even better than anything he could have ever imagined. They kept it chaste, just a closed mouth kiss, but it felt heavenly all the same. Somehow he wrapped his arms around her and moaned deep in his throat when she melted against him. Some primal urges pushed him to take it further and see where things might go, but he pulled back and smiled at her. She deserved better than that. And he wasn’t even remotely ready to deal with that level of intimacy.

 

Ray looked into her eyes again and returned her tender smile. “That was magical”, she whispered and his heart fluttered in response. God, he had forgotten how that felt. His thumb caressed her cheek as the other played with a lock of her hair. “How long do you have to work this week?”, he asked her tentatively. Somehow he hadn’t even thought about what might come next after their date, but he definitely knew, that he _wanted_ there to be a next time. “Usually nine to five, but there might be an emergency at any time. I even get calls at like three in the morning every now and then”, she answered. “Alright, well, do you want to come visit us again? Your piano playing is awesome, maybe we could… like… jam together? I haven’t played in a year, but… I think I want to try again”, he offered hesitantly. Ray really didn’t know how he would react to taking up a guitar again after such a long time, but he simply had a gut feeling that it would be okay with her. “Are you serious? Of course! Oh my god, I’d love to! Can we do it like… tomorrow?”, she replied eagerly and her eyes were sparkling with excitement. God, she was beautiful! “Of course, Tony will be thrilled to see you again”, he agreed and was already estimating how long it would be until he would get to see her again. A little more than 19 hours. It seemed like an eternity.

 

“Well, then… see you tomorrow, I guess”, Rose murmured and gave him another short peck on the lips. A jolt of electricity shot through Ray’s body and he pulled her in for one last hug. “Yeah… good night”, he whispered before he let her go reluctantly and took a step away from her. She turned around, unlocked her door and gave him one last lingering smile before she disappeared from his vision. Ray just stood there for a minute. His lips were still tingling and he was buzzing with energy. Damn, he hadn’t felt so _alive_ in forever. Finally he turned around, got back into Dom’s car and made his way home. Ray seemed to be weirdly detached from reality and smiled to himself the entire time. No matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t able to wrap his head around what had just happened, so he decided to simply sleep on it and postpone the overthinking until tomorrow. Yeah, he was emotionally worn-out, he hadn’t _felt_ so much in a very long time. Ray let out a sigh of relief when he parked the Mustang in his driveway, he intended to wind down with a bottle of beer and a movie or something.

 

However, as he closed the door and sagged against it, still grinning like an idiot, the other shoe finally _did_ drop. With a bang. “Oh come on, you gotta be kidding me!”, he complained when he caught sight of both his brothers, who were standing in his hallway with matching grins and crossed arms. He simply should have hired a sitter and rented a car for tonight, that would have been so much easier. “What?! I’m gonna need my car tomorrow, just wanted to pick it up and Louis gave me a ride!”, Dom explained innocently. _Need the car my ass_ , Ray thought exasperatedly. “Tell that to the marines! Thanks for helping me out, but now kindly fuck off, I’m going to bed”, he huffed as he tossed his brother the keys and pushed past them. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, loosened his tie and gave them his best death stare when they followed him. Louis grinned evilly and inspected his fingernails while he drawled: “You know, of course we could leave you alone, but I’m pretty sure you’re dying to tell us everything. I mean, it’s probably preferable to _us_ telling _mom_ that you came home with your face covered in lipstick...” Ray’s hand immediately shot up to his lips, but his fingertips were clean after he had rubbed them across his skin.

 

“Nice one, Lou! So you _did_ kiss her?”, Dom cackled and Ray had to close his eyes for a second in order to clench the overwhelming desire to punch those stupid grins off the nosy bastards’ faces. “I hate you”, he growled darkly, but they only laughed at him. They took him in the middle, grabbed him by the shoulders and all but dragged him over to the couch, where three glasses and a bottle of booze were waiting for them. “Oh, brother dearest, the feeling is mutual”, Louis replied cheerily before he pushed him down into the pillows. Dom was already pouring their drinks and handed out the glasses. Just great. Ray reminded himself that fratricide was frowned upon. “How did you fuckers even get in here? Don’t tell me you picked a lock somewhere”, he asked them sourly. “Nah, Dad gave us your spare key”, Dom explained with a shrug. For fuck’s sake, had his entire family teamed up against him?! Ray knocked back his Tequila and held out the glass for a refill. “All joking aside, man, how did it go?”, Louis asked him after the next round of drinks. Ray definitely sensed the worry in his tone and he sighed heavily when he finally understood that his brothers hadn’t come to torment him, but for comfort in case things hadn’t gone the way they had. God, he loved his family, even though they were a pain in the ass on occasion.

 

He took a deep breath and said: “Look… it was great, okay? I took her to 'Scalini Fedeli' and she was so beautiful! She’s great, she never asked anything about the band – except for the one time when I pretty much prompted her. It was so awesome, God, I wish we could have stayed longer, but she has a patient tomorrow morning and had to be back home early. Oh, and she’s coming for a visit again tomorrow. I… kinda wanna… jam with her a bit? I mean, she plays piano and she’s brilliant! I can’t even remember all the stuff she played yesterday, but some of it was The Unforgiven and Run To The Hills! So… I’m gonna try at least.” His brothers beamed at him and Louis even wiped a tear from his eyes. “Oh man, I thank God that you met her. I don’t even recognize you! I feel like you’ve made more progress in a single day than in the entire year before!”, he stated and Ray bit his lips. Louis wasn’t wrong. To be honest, it made his head spin and he was even a little scared. He felt like a totally different person, Rose had turned his whole world upside down.

 

A few drinks later Dom wanted to know: “So what – did you kiss her or not?” Ray threw a pillow at him and felt himself blush. “I’ll take that as a yes”, Louis stated smugly and Ray sighed in exasperation. “It was just a little peck, okay? No big deal, no tongue and that’s all I’m gonna say about it!”, he growled as Louis tossed 10 bucks at their brother. Idiots. When he went to bed around midnight and stared at the ceiling, his slightly buzzed mind realized that this first anniversary had been better than he ever would have dared to dream. By far. He still needed time to sort out his feelings on the matter, but he was kinda… happy. Oh, and Dom’s car was still parked in his driveway since both of his brothers had been too wasted to drive. They had ended up calling a taxi. And even though he had pretended otherwise – Ray was fucking grateful that they had been there for him tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pinterest board to go with this fic: https://www.pinterest.de/batbeltbuckle/i-am-not-afraid-to-keep-on-living/


	3. Back To Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide

The next day was long. Time seemed to pass at a snail’s pace and Ray didn’t even have his son to occupy himself. So he cleaned the house until it shone, went grocery-shopping and took the time to tame his hair once more. “You’re behaving like an idiot”, he told his reflection when he got rid of his beard until he was completely clean-shaven for the first time in years. After all he didn’t want to give Rose beard-burn in case they kissed again. Yeah. Totally ridiculous. Finally it was time to pick up Tony. He attended a private pre school every afternoon, from 12.45pm to 3.15pm, which worked nicely with Ray’s usual problems to get out of bed in the morning. Well, today he had been awake at like seven or something and gotten up immediately since he had been buzzing with restless energy. Hence all the activity this morning. Whatever.

 

Tony was already waiting for him when he pulled up in Dom’s car. His son ran to his arms and hugged him fiercely, but the first thing he said to him was: “Did you kiss her!?” Ungh, just great. Ray sighed heavily and murmured: “Hey buddy, I’m happy to see you, too.” As soon as they were both set in, Ray was mercilessly pumped for information. And when he finally admitted that he _had_ kissed Rose, Tony beamed at him and actually rubbed his hands with glee. He looked like some kind of villain, whose evil plan was going smoothly. Well, that probably wasn’t even that far off, Ray thought to himself and shook his head. “You know, Rose is gonna come by in a few hours and we’re gonna make some music together”, he told his son, who let out a loud cry of joy and immediately asked him whether they could all sleep on the couch together again. Luckily that was the moment they got home and Ray got around answering.

 

It was half past five when the doorbell rang and before he knew it, Tony had run to the door, pulled it open and flung himself into Rose’s arms. Ray smiled fondly when he saw them together, they looked so adorable! Rose placed his son on her hip and closed the door behind her. “Hey, little man, how are you?”, she asked him and kissed his hair affectionately while she toed off her pumps. Today she wore a black pantsuit over a peach colored blouse with big ruffles down the front. Her hair was up in a straight bun and small silver earrings glittered whenever she moved. Apparently she hadn’t even taken the time to change out of her work clothes. That thought alone was enough to make Ray’s day. “Hey, how was work?”, he asked her as he reached for Tony so that she could get rid of her jacket. “It was a very long day and I’ve never checked my watch so often before”, she answered and literally collapsed into his waiting embrace. Ray sighed with relief when she tucked her head beneath his chin and cuddled up to his chest. He wrapped both arms around her and closed his eyes for a few blissful seconds. “Would you like some coffee”?, he asked her when he remembered his duties as a host. “That would be great, thank you”, she answered and let him lead her to the kitchen, one of his arms slung around her waist.

 

They sat down together in the living room and Tony rambled on about his day in school before Ray told her about his welcoming committee the night before. She giggled slightly about Louis’ sneaky interrogation techniques and that pure, joyful sound sent Ray’s stomach into another flutter. Dinner went by smoothly, he had already prepared a salad and quickly fried them each a steak. Frank used to call him a ‘high sauce wizard’, he knew his stuff when it came to meat. Since Rose seemed to like it, he breathed an internal sigh of relief. Damn, he hadn’t had to impress a woman in a very long time and honestly felt a little lost in this whole dating thing. She insisted on helping with the cleaning up and Ray found that he enjoyed not being alone in his kitchen for once. The house was so painfully empty at times and Rose kinda filled the void. Not just in his home, but in his life as well.

 

He equally anticipated and dreaded the moment they would move on to his music room. Ray hadn’t used it even once since they had moved in, it was high time to baptize it, wasn’t it? He arranged a few cans of soda on a tray and took a deep breath before he descended the stairs, Rose and Tony following close behind. Right. Jamming. He placed the drinks on the table in the billiard room and reached for a random guitar case. It turned out to be his favorite Gibson Les Paul Standard. He hadn’t touched it in a year, but it looked just like he remembered. It had accompanied him all through the World Contamination Tour, was battered and scared, but he loved it all the same. Where was the fun in playing shiny, new, flawless guitars? That Hendrix Strat he had used in the studio a few years ago had been totally washed-up, but it was the greatest thing he had ever gotten his hands on. Ray carefully took his guitar out of the box and slipped the strap over his shoulder. The weight was comforting, he hadn’t even realized how much he had missed it. His fingertips traced all the little scratches and he desperately tried to figure out the mess of his emotions. He was happy, excited, insecure, confused, wistful, lonely, shy, sad and scared. Yeah, something along those lines. He tuned his instrument with trembling fingers, rummaged through another crate for a cable and plugged it into a Marshall amp, that was standing in the corner. Alright. He could do this. A G-chord, plain and simple. Ray shuddered when his shaking hands produced the familiar sound. A flood of memories came rushing back to him and his breath caught in his throat.

 

_Their wedding day. Playing ‘You Are So Beautiful’ to Christa and feeling his heart burst with happiness when she cried with emotion._

 

_Trying to figure out a riff he wasn’t quite happy with yet, when a white plastic stick with two pink lines on it was held before his eyes. Nearly dropping his guitar and whirling her around as he let out a cry of joy._

 

_Idly picking his strings when she begged him to drive her to the hospital, one hand pressed against her huge baby bump._

 

_Sitting on the sofa on a Sunday morning and strumming while Tony was making his first attempts at walking, Christa holding his hands and beaming at him with overwhelming pride._

 

_Singing to her in the evening, his head in her lap and her fingers playing with his hair, the fireplace illuminating the shiny parts of his Les Paul._

 

_Completely ruining the living room floor while recording his first and only solo album with Jarrod. Christa’s good-natured eye roll when she discovered the scratches the drum set had left in the parquet._

 

_Tony’s third birthday party, playing for his friends because he couldn’t deny him anything. The pride in his son’s eyes when he told the other kids that his dad was a rock star as his mother brought in his birthday cake._

 

_Sitting in his music den the day before the release, frantically playing the songs again and again and worrying whether they were good enough. Christa taking the guitar from his hands, sitting in his lap and telling him that it was going to be okay. Her distracting him with lips and hands and gentle touches until he couldn’t help but believe her._

 

 _Humming to himself and contemplating which guitar to use and how to start recording the song, that had been haunting him for weeks, as he unlocked the front door and yelled: “Honey, I’m home!”… Calling an ambulance, crying, screaming, begging her to stay with him. “Be Happy. Promise Me. I love you.” Cold skin, empty eyes, her blood on his hands as he rocked her limp body against his._ I love you too…

 

“Ray? Ray. RAY!”, a voice called him and he felt soft, wet hands on his cheeks. He ripped his eyes open and was met with Rose’s concerned face. Only then did he realize that he was hyperventilating while hot tears were dropping off his chin. God, his heart was racing in his chest, he couldn’t breathe and the room was spinning around him. “Come on, you have to calm down. Breathe. In and out, you can do it. It’s okay, I’ve got you. Look at me. Slowly. In… and out. That’s it. Just focus on my voice. You’re doing so good. You’re safe, we’re in your house. You’re gonna be okay...”, she cooed at him and Ray drowned in her cerulean blue eyes. His thoughts were racing. _Be Happy. Promise Me. I love you._ Christa. She was interwoven with every single aspect of his life, she had been his everything, his soulmate. No matter what he did, it reminded him of her. But music… except for his family, it had been the most important thing to him ever since he picked up a guitar in his teens. Of course it triggered memories. That was the very reason why he hadn’t touched an instrument ever since he lost her. Ray had just wanted to forget, anything to stop the pain. The problem was that he loved music with all his heart and that _not_ playing hurt as well, just in a different way. But that was a pain he had learned to deal with and at some point he had started to believe that he deserved it. That it was his way of punishing himself for not saving Christa… for _failing_.

 

Yet here he was. Somehow he ended up in Rose’s arms, his guitar awkwardly trapped between them. Her warmth seeped into is body and he buried his face in her hair. In a moment of clarity he finally had an epiphany. He had given up a big part of his life, a huge chunk of what made him him and he had been wrong to do so. Christa never would have wanted him to stop playing, least of all because of her. If she could see him now, she would probably give him a loving smile and a hug and say: ‘You can do better, honey. We’re gonna get through this. Together’. Ray took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was a fucking rock star and he would fucking _play_. He would make Christa proud of him, her and Tony. It was his job to be a role model for his son and that was exactly what he was gonna do. It would be hard, no doubt about that, but he wanted to try at least. “This is harder than I thought”, he whispered and flinched when his voice cracked miserably. “Hey, relax. Forcing it might do you more harm than good, we can just go back upstairs if you want”, Rose suggested quietly, but Ray shook his head. He wasn’t gonna take the easy way out. “No. I want to… I have to do this. I can’t put it off forever and… for her. She wouldn’t have wanted…”, he tried to explain until his throat closed up again. He untangled himself from her, took a deep breath and looked up to the ceiling in order to prevent the fresh tears in his eyes from falling. There was a dull ache in his chest and he still had trouble breathing, but he clenched his jaw and reached for a pick.

 

Ray forced himself to just get it over with and start. He ended up playing the first thing, that came to mind. One. Metallica. He was astonishingly confident. It felt like coming home, he had practiced that song a thousand times before. His fingers were a little stiff, he definitely had his work cut out for him if he wanted to regain his old form, but Ray was sure that he could do it. It gave him a purpose, something to work on and that was exactly what he needed. He let himself be carried away by the music and smiled with his eyes closed when Rose contributed some underlying harmonies and the melody on the piano. This was what he was meant to do, what he excelled at. It still hurt, but this time it was more like an open wound, not like being stabbed in the chest. He would get there eventually. When he finished the song, Tony hugged his thigh and beamed up at him, adoration and wonder in his eyes. Ray swallowed a sob and kneeled down to hug his son to his chest. Yes. This was the right thing to do. Denying himself the best way to let out his pent up hurt and deal with his feelings had been a mistake. And pushing away everything, that reminded him of Christa, was equally wrong. Rose had told him two days ago that he had to find a place for her in their lives and let her be a part of them. That was what he was gonna do. He had to let himself feel the pain so that he could heal.

 

“I’m so proud of you”, Rose said next to him and rested a warm hand on his shoulder. Ray carefully put down his guitar and pulled her close. “Thank you so much for being here. I couldn't have done it without you”, he whispered back as he nuzzled his nose into her hair. It felt like a breakthrough, a huge step back to normalcy. Tony pressed up closer to him and yawned a little. Ray glanced at his watch and announced: “Bedtime, buddy, come on, you’ve got school tomorrow.” His son’s head snapped up, he put on his very best puppy dog eyes and wailed: “Nooooooooooo, I’m not tired at all!” Yeah, of course. _Not tired my ass_ , Ray thought and smiled to himself when Tony yawned yet again and rubbed his eyes. “I said bedtime. Kiss Rose goodnight and go get changed. If you’re good, you can come back for one more song when you’re ready for bed”, he proposed and before he knew it, his son had pressed a messy smack to Rose’s cheek and darted out of the room. She chuckled and snuggled closer. “Someone’s eager”, she commented dryly. Ray leaned down and kissed her other cheek before he got up and said: “Gonna be back in a minute, he still needs a little help or else he’s gonna wreak havoc in the bathroom.” She gave him an understanding smile and he grinned like an idiot as he hurried up the stairs.

 

Actually he would have loved nothing more than to kiss her delicious lips again but he hadn’t dared. Doing it in the dark outside her door was one thing, but in his home, in the unforgiving light of his music room, it somehow felt different. Plus he had been so overwhelmed with memories of Christa that he just… couldn't do it. Ray got to the bathroom just in time to prevent a toothpaste catastrophe. Somehow Tony had managed to change into his pajamas already (and even correctly, Ray was honestly impressed) and they got through his nightly routine in under five minutes. So why the heck did it take _ages_ every other day? When they returned to the basement, he already heard Rose play ‘Carry on Wayward Son’ by Kansas and shook his head fondly. He got what she was trying to tell him and couldn’t even begin to believe how he had gotten lucky enough to have her here. Tony climbed up onto the piano bench and crawled into her lap, where he cuddled up to her chest and slung both arms around her waist. Awww. They were so cute together. Ray reached for his guitar and sat down next to her when she scooted over. “That was beautiful”, he murmured and smiled when she blushed violently. Her modesty was only one of the many things he liked about her.

 

They decided on covering ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon. She played the piano parts and Ray added a few chords to go with it. And then she sang. It was magical. Her voice was so warm and soft, like dark chocolate, it went straight to the heart. God, he loved listening to her! When the song ended, Tony had fallen asleep in her lap. She wrapped both arms around him, rocked him slightly and kissed his hair. “He’s such a great child, you must be so proud of him”, she whispered. “You have no idea. He’s the best. I don’t want to know where I’d be without him”, Ray replied. Probably with Christa. “This time it was easier, wasn’t it?”, she asked him and pointed her chin at his guitar. “Yeah, it was okay. Beginning again was the hardest part. I don’t think I could play My Chem songs or my own quite yet, there are simply too many difficult memories attached to those, but… I think I’m okay”, he said after a while. Oh, and he just realized that he didn’t have any callouses left. That would take some time, his hands were softer than they had ever been. Just great. But hey, that was nothing he couldn’t handle. Rose carried Tony up the stairs and to his room, where they tucked him in. He didn’t even wake up, but he pulled a face when she set him down and let go of him. Ray really wouldn’t have minded laying down with her next to his little boy, but the couch had already been cramped and Tony’s bed was even smaller.

 

The rest of the evening passed in a blur. They sat next to each other on the piano bench and played until his fingertips throbbed. Then they moved on to the living room and talked until midnight, when Rose glanced at her phone and startled because of the late hour. He accompanied her towards the door and helped her into her jacket. “Good night. And thank you again for today, I really needed that”, he said earnestly. “You’re very welcome. That was great, we should do it again some time”, she replied and gave him a beautiful smile. Ray just stood there and fought with himself. He really, really would like to kiss her goodbye, but something held him back. How could he do that with any other woman than Christa? In his home? With his son sleeping upstairs? But he wanted to! There had been nothing but hugs and that chaste little peck to her cheek today. His traitorous body demanded _more_. Still struggling, he raised his hand and brushed his fingertips along her cheekbone. He saw the longing in her eyes, so much warmth and tenderness, but also something darker, that made his blood boil. She rested her hands on his chest, came closer, raised to her tip toes. Ray contemplated moving away, but he was frozen in place and still hadn’t decided whether he should stop what was happening when it _did_ happen. And that was the end of every coherent thought.

 

He moaned deep in his throat, wrapped himself around her and clung to her for dear life. She slung her arms around his neck and tangled her fingers in his curls. Her warm, petite body against his stronger, broader frame was just so fucking glorious, he gasped into the kiss and felt a rush of heat wash over him when her tongue ghosted along his lips. Fuck it. Ray devoured her whole and thrust his tongue into her mouth. She tasted faintly of mint, soda and the coffee they had had about two hours ago. Rose’s needy little whimpers as her tongue wrapped around his sent shock waves through his body. God, only listening to her was enough to drive him crazy with desire. _This_ was what being alive felt like. He was tingling all over and his blood was literally rushing to his cock. There was no way she wouldn’t feel it against her belly. And really, suddenly she pulled back, whispered “I better get going. Good bye” and practically raced out of the door. Only seconds later he heard her car speed out of his driveway. Ray stood rooted to the spot as his brain tried to process what had just happened. Fuck! He fled up the stairs and to his bathroom, where he ripped open the glass door of the shower and turned it on.

 

Ice cold water splattered down on him as he collapsed onto the floor. He had spent the last three days in some kind of dreamy state, had lived in the moment and relished in things he had no right to claim for himself. He had gone to dinner with another woman on his wife’s dying day. And even though his family had said that it was okay – it really wasn’t. He had fucking kissed her that night! And then once more, just now! How could he be so selfish and hit it off with some stranger he had met only the day before yesterday!? How dare he bring her into his son’s life and raise his hopes on something he might have destroyed already? She had fled from him! And she had said ‘good bye’! ‘Good bye’, not ‘see you’ or ‘until next time’. Fuck! Why didn’t he have more self-control?! He shouldn’t have allowed that kiss to happen in the first place! He never even should have asked her out! Ray had never hooked up with a fan before and he shouldn’t have done it now, either. It could never work. And besides – he was eight years older than her, emotionally crippled and physically unattractive. His hair was a nightmare, he had a weird chin and his lips were far too full for a guy. There were wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead and the rest of him was just fucking ordinary. What was there he could possibly give her? He did have money, but that was about it. Apparently she had finally realized that she was painfully far out of his league and that she could do so much better than him. Besides, being in a relationship with him came with so much baggage. His night terrors, his insecurities, his depression. Oh, and she would have had to take on a mother role for Tony.

 

Ray let out an agonized sob as his tears mingled with the water. He didn’t even blame her. Which woman would want him anyway? It just fucking _hurt_. Two days had been enough for her to creep underneath his skin and into the shattered remains of his heart. That was what made it so hard. The way she had run away from him… Had the kiss really been that awful? Had his inconvenient erection scared her off? Was it the thought of becoming even more intimate with him? Maybe it was his fate to spend the rest of his days alone. Maybe he had wasted his chance at happiness when he had left Christa alone and taken Tony to his parents, because he had been so selfish to want a few days alone with her. It all came back to a single fact, the undeniable truth: Ray was a failure. He hadn’t managed to keep his band together, hadn’t been able to tour the album he had pieced together on his own, he had jeopardized his marriage, lost his wife and it was his fault that his son had to grow up without his mother. And now he had even driven away the closest thing to that Tony had had in a year. God, he really didn’t want to tell him that Rose wouldn’t come back. Only imagining the hurt eyes of his baby boy brought a fresh wave of tears to his own. He curled in on himself and sobbed into his knees. At this point his teeth were shattering and his entire body was shaking, but he couldn’t care less.

 

Ray just wanted to die. Hypothermia was a shitty way to go, but it might even work, so he didn’t see the point in getting up and finding something more efficient. Eventually the shivering stopped and his vision went blurry. His heartbeat slowed down and an alluring blackness loomed at the edges of his consciousness. It was calling for him and Ray welcomed it with open arms. Peace. Finally. A deep, relieved sigh. No more pain. His cramped muscles relaxed. There was a spark, like a candle in the blackest night. It was moving towards him, like the light at the end of a tunnel. Christa. Suddenly she was there with him. God, he had missed her so much! He took in her brown hair, her gray eyes and that beautiful smile of hers. She was close enough to touch, but he couldn’t reach her, no matter how hard he tried. “My love”, she whispered and Ray could have cried when he heard her voice. “Not yet. This isn’t your time. Go home. Be there for our son. Tell him I love him. And let yourself be loved again. Be happy. Promise me. I love you.” Then she was gone. All at once Ray was cold. Really fucking cold. The warm, comfortable feeling in his chest was replaced with a dull throbbing and a burn. He took a shuddering breath and choked on it. His lungs desperately sucked in air. Somehow he felt like being on a boat, everything was kinda rocking, his mind was foggy and his body horribly heavy. After a few attempts he pried his eyes open.

 

Tiles. Weird beige fake marble tiles and a silver handle. It took him a ridiculously long time to raise his arm and wrap his fingers around it. Actually getting up was even worse, his body just wouldn’t do what he wanted, he felt like a puppet with cut strings. No matter how much he wanted to move, it just didn’t happen. Finally he managed to turn off the water and crawl out of the shower on all fours. There was a basket with towels next to the tub. He struggled out of his soaked clothes and simply left them all over the floor before he wrapped himself into every single one of the five towels he found. He didn’t know how long he sat there in the corner with his back propped up against the tub, but at some point the shivering returned with a vengeance.

 

Ray just wanted his mind to shut the fuck up. He could neither believe what had just happened nor wrap his head around it. ‘Be happy. Promise me. I love you.’ But there had been more. ‘Let yourself be loved again.’ God, he had never experienced anything like it before. Actually Ray had never believed in near-death experiences, but this… Well, maybe he hadn’t even been that close to dying, but still everything hurt and he was fighting the overwhelming fatigue, that had his eyelids dropping. All he wanted to do was sleep. Somehow he made it to his bed, collapsed onto the mattress, wrapped himself in his comforter and passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

The next morning was fucking _awful_ . His entire body hurt like hell and he had a drilling headache. Ray could barely open his eyes when he woke up only a few hours later and squeezed them shut again as soon as he succeeded. Who the hell had constructed this damn house with the master bedroom facing east?! The bright winter sun was more than he could handle at the moment, so he pulled a pillow over his head and groaned into the mattress. That was when he realized what he almost would have let happen the night before. He actually wasn’t even sure whether it would have worked, who the hell tried to end it with cold water!? But he definitely wouldn’t have fought it. And if it _had_ worked, Tony would be an orphan by now. What the hell was wrong with him?! Ray was horrified by himself. He stumbled out of bed and back to the bathroom, where he returned to the shower and raised the temperature as far as it would go. It was just this side of painful, he could barely stay under the hot spray, but it finally warmed through his abused body. He was still shaken to the core by yesterday’s events and desperately tried to block it all out. After a few minutes of soaking, he became slightly dizzy from the hot water and scrubbed himself clean in record time. No need for conditioner. There was no one left he would bother for. Rose was gone. He didn’t even know whether he would see her again. Why the hell should he waste energy and time on his looks?

 

Somehow he managed to wake up Tony, make breakfast and get him ready for school. Putting on a brave face for his son hadn’t been so hard in a while. Those last few days had been… different. And the hardest part was going back to how he had been before. When Ray pulled up into his driveway after he had dropped off his son at pre school, he sat in Dom's Mustang, looked up at his empty house and sighed. Being alone right now probably wasn’t a very good idea. He rested his head on the stirring wheel as he restarted the engine. He was still hurting, inside and out, and there was only one person, who could make it better. Luckily she wasn’t that far away.

 

“Mamá?”, he asked in a very small voice when she opened the door for him. “Oh, querido, what’s wrong?”, she cooed immediately, ushered him inside and gave him one of those perfect mom hugs. She might be seven inches shorter than him, but he still felt as small as ever in her arms. Ray’s eyes were glazing over and he took a shuddering breath as he tried to compose himself and not weep into his mother’s shoulder like the little boy she still saw in him. “Where’s dad?”, he finally managed to ask while he wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie. “Oh, he’s meeting a few friends for lunch and I didn’t see the point in being bored out of my mind by their soccer talk”, she answered with a shrug. Fair enough. Only a few minutes later he sat at his parent’s kitchen table with a plate of pastelillos and a glass of soda.

 

“Spill, sweetheart. Come on, you’ll feel better if you talk to me”, she prompted him gently, but firmly. Alright, then. “Mom… I… I just can’t. Rose, she… I can’t do this”, he stuttered out and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. Before he knew it, he blurted out in a rush: “How could I go out with her the day I lost Christa? God, I _kissed_ her that night! I never should have let her drive us home from Starbucks in the first place, now Tony’s already totally smitten with her and it just won’t work! There’s no way she could actually want me that way and he’s gonna be so devastated! All because of me! I’m the reason he lost his mother and now I raised his hopes on her staying with us, but it won’t happen and he’s gonna hate me!” For a while all Ray could hear was his own harsh breathing, the humming of his mother’s fridge and the ticking of the clock on the wall. Why did life have to be so fucking difficult?! “Cariño, mira a mí”, his mom whispered next to him and cupped his face with her soft hands. He exhaled heavily and met her warm brown eyes. “What happened to Christa was horrible and tragic, but in no way was it your fault. I don’t even know how you came up with that nonsense!”, she said softly, her eyes filed with sadness and incomprehension.

 

Ray had to look away before he murmured: “I’m the one who got her pregnant in the first place. And I should have _been there_ when it happened!” The guilt weighed him down and threatened to choke him. He felt like the world’s biggest failure. Why had he said that he wanted another child? Couldn’t he have been happy with what he had? “Tonterías! Such things happen, sad as it is, but there’s nothing anyone can do to prevent them! And even if you had been home, she still would have fallen and there’s no telling whether your presence would have made any difference. I’m so sorry, querido, but you can’t do this to yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes there is nobody at fault and that makes it so much harder, but putting the blame where it doesn’t belong won’t help”, his mom admonished him as she stood up and pulled him to her chest once more. Ray couldn’t hold back his tears any longer and sobbed into her dress. “You holed yourself up so much and I let you. Maybe that was a mistake, but at the time I thought that you needed just a little time for yourself. You have to start living again. _Living_ , not just existing. I can only imagine what you’re going through, but at some point you will have to let Christa go. It’s been a year, cariño. If you decide to start a new life with Rose, then go for it. Nobody has any right to deny you that. Not even yourself.”

 

Ray sighed at that. Logically he knew that his mother was right. But knowing something and feeling it were two very different kettle of fish. Speaking of Rose… “I don’t even know whether she wants to see me again”, he sniffled miserably as he searched his pockets for tissues. His mom released him and gave him a paper towel before she sat down again and asked him: “What happened? I thought the two of you were getting along so well!” Well, that made two of them. Until he had ruined one more of the few good things he had left in his life. Ray wiped his face and sighed. How the hell was he supposed to tell her _that_? His relationship with his mother was great, but usually they didn’t discuss him getting boners, for fuck’s sake! “Uhmm… well, she kinda… kissed me good bye and I kinda… lost it a little. Uhmm… yeah. Anyway, she ran as soon as she… noticed”, he stuttered and felt his cheeks heat up. Whatever he had been expecting, for his mom to howl with laughter certainly wasn’t it. “Oh honey, seriously? _That’s_ the big deal? Oh my god...”, she wheezed breathlessly. Ray could only stare at her. “What? I don’t know how to tell you, but you weren’t brought by the stork! I do have a sex life, you know?”, she stated very matter-of-factly. Oh God. No, please no! “Mamá!”, Ray exclaimed in horror. This conversation lifted TMI to a whole new level.

 

“So what, you got a little… excited and she left? Talk to her, sweetheart. That’s a perfectly natural reaction. And _she_ kissed _you_ , not the other way around! Maybe there’s a reason for it you haven’t even thought of, yet? Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding!”, she tried to pacify him. Yeah, sure. “What the… what is there to misunderstand? I kissed her, she didn’t like it and that’s it”, he sighed defeatedly. Simple as that. “Well, there’s only one way to find out. When are you going to see her again?”, his mother asked him resolutely. “Dunno. We never set a date, she was gone so quickly”, he replied and stared at the crumbs on his plate. “Madre de Dios, you’re already in too deep, aren’t you?”, she pried gently and Ray hung his head. No kidding. “Do you have her number?”, his mom wanted to know. “Yeah”, he murmured and knew already what was gonna come. “Well then, what are you waiting for?” Just what he had anticipated. The thing was – he was still pretty sure that he had somehow driven her away already. He didn’t need to hear it from her, though. “I don’t know… I mean, we’ve already seen each other three days in a row, isn’t that a bit… much?”, he said awkwardly, trying desperately to find an excuse. “Oh, come on! That newfangled nonsense of no contact for three days or whatever is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of! If you want her, go get her!”, she chimed in decidedly.

 

“Listen, cariño, I shouldn’t interfere, because this is your business, not mine. And I totally understand that you have to think of Tony and don’t want either of you to get hurt. However… you have to take a risk every now and then, because if you don’t you might live a little quieter, but the best things in life will pass you by”, she explained softly and brushed a stray curl out of his face. “But...-” “Raymond Manuel Toro-Ortiz! You are gonna text this woman immediately!”, she cut him off and gave him her best death stare. Jesus Christ! So much for not interfering and none of her business! “Alright, alright, Mamá, calm down!”, Ray groaned in defeat. Damn, there wasn’t even a question who wore the pants in his parent’s household. He reached for his phone and hesitantly opened his chat with Rose. How the hell was he supposed to do this? ‘Hi, just wanted to know whether I really kiss as awfully as I think I do?’ For sure. In the end he typed: ‘Hi, how are you?’ He bit his thumbnail and held his breath while he waited for her reply. Ray was so tense that he nearly would have dropped his phone when it buzzed in his hand.

 

 _Oh._ What the… Ray was rendered completely speechless. He never would have expected anything like that! His mind was fucking blown and he stared at his phone until the screen went black again. Holy fucking shit. His brain was still struggling to process her last text, but his body was already a step ahead. Ever so slowly a smile spread across his face. There was this fluttery thing in his stomach again and he felt his cheeks heat up. So she hadn’t left because he had scared her off, but because she had become too horny by his kisses? God, that woman would be the death of him! “What is it?”, his mom asked him curiously. Ray had already forgotten that he wasn’t hiding away in his bedroom, but sitting in his parent’s kitchen with his mother. “Uhmm… everything’s okay. You were right… misunderstanding”, he murmured sheepishly. Damn it. He would _not_ explain to her what had happened, therefore he shoved his cell into his mom’s hand and looked elsewhere while she read their last texts. She didn’t say a single word. What the hell took her so long? Ray didn’t dare look at her, he was still really uncomfortable discussing anything remotely sexual with his mother. Besides, he was busy coming to terms with the fact that a gorgeous, intelligent, caring, beautiful woman like Rose apparently considered him _attractive_ and had been afraid to stay near him after he had kissed her, because she didn’t trust herself not to sleep with him.

 

“There. You’re meeting her after work for coffee, you can thank me later. Oh, and I’m coming with you, I really want to meet that girl of yours, she seems to be pretty awesome”, his mom informed him, handed him his phone and busied herself collecting the dishes. What the hell! Cold dread churned in Ray’s stomach and his fingers shook when he unlocked his cell in order to read what his seventy years old mother had done.

 

Ray breathed a huge sigh of relief. It could have been a lot worse. One could definitely see the difference in style, but he hoped Rose wouldn’t notice. His mom had managed to land him another date with her, he had to give her that, but Ray vowed then and there to never leave his phone unattended around her again. “Thank you”, he grumbled as he tucked it away safely into his pocket. “You’re welcome, sweetheart. Do you want some tembleque for desert?”, she replied sweetly. Jesus, his mother really crept him out sometimes.

 

A good four hours later they arrived at the café Rose had suggested. Still in his brother’s car, by the way. It was a fairly big place and quite well frequented. Dark wooden tables and chairs were distributed all over the room and all kinds of cakes, cupcakes and ice cream were on display along the counters. Ray could already smell the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee and instantly fell in love with the café. Dang, if the stuff here tasted only half as good as it looked, this wouldn’t be the last time he would come here. His mom was already looking around excitedly, scanning the patrons for a woman she wouldn’t recognize anyway. “She isn’t here yet”, he informed her and chuckled when she pouted and her shoulders slumped. Someone was eager. They found a table in a relatively quiet corner and sat down. Ray jiggled his right leg and glanced at the entrance like every two seconds. He really hoped that Rose and his mom would get along, they were both feisty, headstrong women and would probably either love or hate each other. The little bell chimed again and his breath caught in his throat. “Mamá? That’s her”, he whispered without taking his eyes off her. She wore a dark gray coat over a tight, light gray sheath dress and high heeled boots. Silver earrings and a matching watch were glistening in the lights and a big snake leather handbag hung from her arm. Stunning, just as always.

 

Ray slowly got up and walked towards her. She smiled shyly and hugged him carefully. “Hey”, he murmured quietly. “Hey yourself. Are you okay? You look exhausted”, she whispered back. He sighed in relief. “I think so. Had a rough night”, he replied as he offered her his arm and led her over to their table. That was probably the understatement of the year. Her eyes were sympathetic, but not pitying and he was immensely grateful for that. “Mom? This is Rose. My mother, María Ortiz Moreno”, he saw to the introductions. His mom beamed at Rose as she said: “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Ortiz.” “Oh, none of that nonsense, querida. It’s María or Mamá, whichever you like”, she replied while she got up and gave her a hug. Ray had to fight the urge to pinch himself. He remembered only too well how awkward things had been when he had introduced Christa to his parents and that they had needed a pretty long time to warm up to each other. Not even Liza, Louis’ wife, had been welcomed so warmly. But then again… he had always been the baby and after all that had happened last year… Anyway.

 

They sat down and Tony immediately crawled into Rose’s lap. She kissed his hair and asked him: “Hey buddy, how are you?” “Missed you”, he murmured and huddled against her. The little guy snuck underneath her open coat and wrapped his tiny arms around her waist. Rose whispered: “Oh sweetheart, I missed you too.” She smiled wistfully as she held him close. God, seeing them like this did all kinds of crazy things to Ray’s heart and he saw his mom dry her eyes on a tissue. That was the moment he finally consciously decided that he would try everything in his power to make this work. For Tony. And himself. And maybe – just maybe – there was a chance for them.

 

A waiter approached their table, took their orders and delivered their food only a few minutes later. Ray had chosen a sugar cookie latte and the caramel apple streusel cheesecake Rose had recommended. It turned out to be the best fucking thing he had ever tried. God, he could eat this 24/7, in the end he bought a second piece and devoured it in no time. All the while his mother was cross-questioning Rose about her life, her work, her past and everything else that came to mind. Ray really felt sorry for her, but she didn’t seem to mind. He still couldn’t get over how well those two got along and kept out of their conversation for the most part. After like half an hour or so, he took Tony to the bathroom, because his son had with somnambulistic confidence chosen the stickiest, greasiest cupcake in the entire shop. He hadn’t gotten too much onto his clothes, thank God for that, but his hands and his face were covered in bright blue icing. The joys of parenthood…

 

When they returned, Ray took a moment to appreciate the sight before him. Rose and his mom were sitting next to each other and whispering amongst themselves like old friends. Suddenly his mother threw back her head and laughed so hard she cried. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had seen her like this, but he was pretty sure that it had been more than a year ago. Damn. It was then that it hit him how much his family was affected by his social withdrawal. Actually he had thought that he was pretty good at pretending to be fine and not worrying them too much, but apparently that hadn’t worked. His misery hung above all of them like a cloud and Rose was a ray of sunlight, that chased the shadows away. Wow. That had been fucking corny… but true. As they took their seats again, Ray vowed to himself that he would open up to his family a little bit more. He would go see them more often than only for Sunday lunch. He would actually participate in their conversations and pay attention to what happened in their lives again. Not just existing. Living. And maybe it would stop feeling like a chore sometime soon.

 

When he closed the door behind Tony an hour later, he hesitated and reached for his phone. Only a few days ago he had thought of how he hadn’t seen his friends in ages. If he had already decided to try and be a better son, he might as well try to repair the friendships he had neglected. Determined, he scrolled through his contacts until he found what he was looking for. It rang a few times before he was greeted by a familiar voice he hadn’t heard in weeks. “Uhmm… hi, I just… I was wondering whether you wanted to come over for a movie night or something?”, he asked him awkwardly and held his breath. “Oh man, count me in, it’s been so long! Can we, like, do it tomorrow?” Frank replied excitedly and Ray could just picture his wide grin and the way he was bouncing on his feet. “Yeah, tomorrow is fine, be here around eight?”, he proposed. “You bet your ass I will! Can I bring James? He wanted to come visit and play me a few tracks of the record he’s working on, I’m sure he’d like your opinion, too, if you’re up to it”, his friend asked him and Ray didn’t know whether he wanted to smile or flinch, so the outcome was a weird mix of both. God, he already had to be asked whether he could handle listening to a friend’s songs? Fuck, why had he let this happen?! “Sure thing, can’t wait to see you guys”, he agreed quickly and ended the call. James Dewees was an old friend, he had known him for years. He had accompanied them as a touring keyboardist and backing vocalist until they had made him an official member of the band in 2012, but well, it had ended soon after that. Ray sighed and got up in order to fix a quick dinner and get his son into bed. He was actually a little shocked. For once _he_ had been the one to invite his friends over and he was actually looking forward to seeing them tomorrow. But he had just realized how much out of the ordinary for him that had become and it bothered him more than he cared to admit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pinterest board to go with this fic: https://www.pinterest.de/batbeltbuckle/i-am-not-afraid-to-keep-on-living/


	4. Thanks For The Memories

The next evening the doorbell rang and Ray hurried to greet his friends. Tony was already asleep and he had spent the afternoon finally picking up his car at the workshop with Dominic. Luckily it had only been the battery, nothing dramatic. Whatever. He was greeted by Frank’s beaming smile and nearly tackled to the ground by his hug. “Man, I missed you!”, the little ball of energy announced and Ray chuckled to himself and held him close for a moment. “Missed you too”, he murmured and smiled at his second guest, who held a six pack of beer in each hand and fondly shook his head at the sight of their friend’s enthusiasm. “Try not to throttle him, okay? Hi Toro, it’s been a while”, he said. James looked different, but the long brown hair was kinda cool. He had grown a beard and wore glasses, too, Ray needed a moment to take it all in, but he liked the new style. Frank, on the other hand, hadn’t changed at all – tousled brown hair, tattoos, about a thousand layers of clothes and sparkling hazel eyes. Except that the sparkle was gone. Anyone else might not have noticed, but Ray had known Frank for sixteen years and could tell the difference. It had happened before. The little guy could smile and give hugs all he wanted, he saw right through it. By now he had become kind of an expert on what pretending to be fine looked like. He gave him a sad, sympathetic smile, but he didn’t ask him what as wrong. Frankie would open up if and when he wanted to and there was nothing worse than probing questions from people, who “meant well”. After properly greeting James, he ushered them to the living room, put the beer into the fridge and grabbed one for each of them.

 

When he joined them, James had settled into his leather armchair and Frank was perched on the couch with his feet pulled up underneath him and the bowl of wasabi peas in his hands. Just typical, always on the hunt for the one with the most wasabi on it and probably touching all the others in the process. Ray put the CD James gave him into his stereo and sat down next to Frank before he handed him the blanket, that hung over the back. Seriously, his friend had had thermostat issues from day one. Anyway, James’ songs were _so_ great. The first one, ‘Sniffy’, was some kind of weird chant with an organ and everything, but the lyrics made him grin from ear to ear. Then there was ‘Off Delaware’, another quiet one, only vocals, strings and a piano. That song was beautiful, there was something ethereous to it and it touched Ray’s heart in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time. Finally a faster one came up, but Ray could barely focus on the arrangement, because he was totally captivated by the lyrics. They hit a little too close to home for his liking, but then again, after James’ divorce two years ago they were pretty much going through the same things. Facing life on your own after the end of a relationship was horrible.

 

(vocal a) I’ve got better ways

But now it’s such a mess

And it’s easier to hide yourself

And be a different person

(vocal b) Sometimes it’s so so wrong, it doesn’t really matter

what I do or what I do or what I say

 

So go on make your own regrets

It’s easier decision making

All the fun is all the faking

 

(vocal a) Tell me how to be a better person

Please tell me how to move on

(vocal b) Tell me how to be better

Somebody tell me what I’m waiting to find

 

“So… what do you think? That’s all I’ve got ready so far, still got a lot of mixing to do on the rest”, his friend said a little anxiously. Ray managed a smile. “Man, this is awesome. You’re a fucking genius! Can I keep that?”, he replied earnestly and was rewarded with a relieved sigh and a wide grin. They spent a good hour going over the songs again and again and picking apart the arrangements. At one point they even retreated into his music room and made James play them the guitar parts of ‘Alone Again’, the last of the three songs. It was nearly ten when they returned to the living room, but instead of watching a movie, like they had planned, they ended up opening a new round of beers, gabbing and losing track of time. According to James the pre-selling of his new album was going great and he was planning to release it in February. Frank told them a funny story about how his son Miles had totally busted ‘Home Alone’ by pointing out that Kevin never tried to hang out with his friends. Daaang, Ray had never thought of that before. Way to ruin a classic. Oh, and his friends were both gonna play in Buffalo this Saturday, it was called ‘’Tid the Season’ and there was gonna be wrestling, ice skating, music and most importantly – curling. ‘Curl For A Cure’, a charity thing to raise money for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at a hospital in Buffalo. The guys of Reggie and Frank and his band had volunteered to compete against whoever bid the most on ebay, even though they didn’t know shit about curling. It sounded great and Ray actually considered going when they invited him to come. He might take them up on their offer. Yeah. Not just existing. Living.

 

“Something’s different, man. You look so much better than the last time I saw you, seriously… _you_ are different”, Frank said casually while digging through the wasabi peas once again. Well, he wasn’t wrong. “I… might have met someone”, Ray admitted sheepishly. Both his friend’s faces lit up at that. “Come on, spill already!”, James demanded with his mouth full of twizzlers. That was how he ended up retelling a short version of the recent events. His friends howled with laughter when he mentioned Tony’s attempts at matchmaking, especially on that very first morning when he had practically told him to go fuck Rose while he made breakfast. “Dude, your boy's a savage!”, Frank wheezed inbetween bouts of laughter. No shit. “What did you say her name was?”, James wanted to know as soon as he had recovered. “Rose. She’s a great person and she’s so beautiful… God, I’m so afraid to fuck this up, you have no idea”, Ray admitted hesitantly. He really was, especially since he still didn’t have a clue why she even wasted her time with him in the first place. “Shut it, Toro. You’re a great guy, she’s a very lucky girl. Just don’t overthink it for once in your life and go with it. It’s gonna work out, you’ll see”, Frank stated confidently and toasted him with his bottle. Hmmpf, if only Ray could be so sure of that.

 

James followed suit and raised his bottle, grinning from ear to ear. “What does she do for a living?”, he wanted to know next and when Ray told them, James choked on his beer and Frank murmured: “No… fucking… way!” His friend fumbled with his phone and then held it in front of Ray’s face. It was a photo of Frank in a baseball costume with a black, curly wig. And next to him, with his arm across her shoulders… Holy shit! She was dressed up as some kind of zombie red riding hood, but it was definitely Rose, no doubt about that! Ray was at a loss for words. That had to be Frank’s Halloween birthday party. He had gotten around going, because his grandmother had died in October and he had been secretly glad about having an excuse. Too many people, too much noise. He had rather hidden away at home and merely sent birthday wishes via WhatsApp. Yeah. He wasn’t proud of that. “You know her?”, he ground out stupidly. Well, obviously, duh. “Of course, Sherlock, you hooked up with my best friend! Even though loads of guys have been throwing themselves at her for years now! But she has never taken anybody up on their offers, because… uhm…”, Frank exclaimed, but stalled mid-sentence. Wow. Okay. _Best friend?_ What the actual fuck!? “It’s alright, she told me about… her past. I know what you mean”, he said, his mind still reeling with the news.

 

“Yeah, because of that. Man, you must be really special to her if she already opened up so much to you!”, Frank murmured while James looked more and more confused. But then he shrugged his shoulders and stated: “Looks like you don’t have to set them up after all, huh Frankie?” “What?”, Ray asked very eloquently. “Man, Evan and I wanted to introduce you guys at my party and like… give you a little push into the right direction”, Frank admitted eventually while his ears turned pink and he idly played with the bowl of peas in his lap. Hm. Good to know. That had been Evan’s idea, Ray was sure of it. Frank’s brother-in-law loved playing match maker, no matter whether people wanted him to or not. It took him quite a while to understand why the news of Rose’s friendship with Frankie had shaken him up so much, but in the end Ray figured it out. Why hadn’t she told him? Frank’s best friend? That should have been worth mentioning, right? Admittedly, they hadn’t even known each other for a week, but he felt like he knew her already, at least a little. However, now he realized that she had never really said anything about friends of hers or what exactly she did when she wasn’t with him. “What’s wrong?”, James chimed in and gave Ray a slightly worried look.

 

“I don’t know… I mean… what else is there she didn’t tell me? Do I even know her at all? Why didn’t she say anything?”, Ray sighed heavily. God, he really didn’t know what to make of this. To his surprise Frank pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut before he answered: “Ray… honestly, I’m not that well these days. I guess she didn’t say anything, because you would have asked her how we met and she didn’t want to tell you that she’s my therapist. After the accident last year, I couldn’t sleep and I still have problems with that. I have nightmares and it’s… bad. I went to her for help and we’ve been friends ever since. She really takes her medical confidentiality very seriously.” Ray swallowed hard and nodded. He didn’t buy it. Whatever was bothering Frank, it had to be much more than the memories of his bus accident. Why Ray was so sure about that, he couldn’t even tell. It was simply a gut feeling. “Listen, man… I’m not gonna pry and I know that I’ve been a shitty friend to you this last year, but… I’m here for you if you want to talk about it”, he finally managed to say. Damn it, when had it become so hard to talk to one of his best and oldest friends? Ray felt like he was walking on eggshells around him and he didn’t like it one bit. He just wasn’t sure of himself at all and found himself constantly questioning whether what he said and did was right or appropriate or whatever.

 

“Frank… all I want to know is whether you’re gonna be okay”, he added after a few beats of silence. His friend sighed and rubbed one of his hands over his tired eyes. “Can we just not talk about it, please?”, Frank murmured after a while and Ray’s heart grew heavy in his chest. James gave Frank a sad, sympathetic smile and leaned over, so that he could grab his shoulder encouragingly. Somehow that made the sinking feeling in Ray’s stomach even worse. He got up in order to get them more beer, give Frank a moment to compose himself and sort out his own convoluted thoughts. James obviously knew what was going on. But Ray didn’t. It fucking hurt to realize how much he had grown apart from Frank. Hadn’t they been like brothers? Best friends? They had shared fucking everything with each other! But now he felt like there was a stranger sitting on his couch. Did he even know this guy with the empty eyes and the fake smile at all? The thought that he had wallowed in his own misery so much that he hadn’t even _noticed_ how much Frankie was hurting took Ray’s disgust with himself to a whole new level.

 

~~~

 

The next day Rose invited both Ray and Tony over for dinner. The little guy could hardly sit still in his booster seat and was bouncing with excitement. Ray chuckled to himself, but felt slightly guilty, as well. He should take him out more often, Tony was left to himself far too much for his liking. So yeah, this was a special occasion. They hadn’t visited anyone other than his family ever since they moved here. Well, he did drive his son to occasional play dates with his friends from pre school, but still. _Way to go, Toro_. Ray pulled up into Rose’s driveway and killed the engine. He was a little nervous. The last time he had been here, he had kissed her right there by the door. But even after that last kiss three days ago, he didn’t know where they stood and whether they were truly okay. It was kinda hard discussing such things next to one’s mother and four-year-old, therefore he hadn’t brought it up in the café. God, it killed him that he didn’t even know what they were. Ray had never been fond of sticking labels onto anything, but it would be nice to know whether he had a girlfriend or not, okay?

 

Rose was already waiting for them by the door and kneeled down to give Tony a hug. Then she ushered him inside and stood before Ray in all her beauty. Today she was dressed in beige pants, a cream pullover and a long golden necklace with a pink bow tie. Matching pink earrings, a bangle and a long braid completed her look and once again he couldn't take his eyes off her. Ray wasn’t used to women dressing up so nicely every day, but who was he kidding, he definitely liked it. A lot. “Hey”, she whispered and nestled up against his chest for a few seconds. He let out a long sigh of relief and hugged her back. “You’re beautiful”, he murmured into her ear and was rewarded with a quiet giggle. “So are you”, she responded, looked up into his eyes and, for the briefest moment, pressed her lips against his. Then she took his hand and lead him inside while he was still trying to process what had happened. Apparently they were okay. He could work with that.

 

Rose’s home turned out to be elegant, yet cozy. Something, that sounded like Bowie, was playing in the background and a heavenly smell of home-cooked dinner was wafting through the air. Upon entering through a tiny vestibule, there were stairs to the left and a big living area, that covered nearly the entire lower floor, to the right. A couch and two armchairs were assembled around a white coffee table and towards the glass swing door in the back Ray spotted a massive dining table and four chairs. Everything was concerted in various shades of stone colors and there were tasteful Christmas decorations all around, even though there was no tree, yet. It felt like a home. His own house was still pretty bleak, since he didn’t bother wasting what little energy he had on decorating. His mother and sister-in-law had furnished it when he had moved here, since he had brought hardly anything with him from L.A.. Too many memories, he had still been in a phase when he had only wanted to forget and deny what had happened. There were still quite a few cartons in his guest room, but he hadn’t dared sort through them, yet. In there was all the personal stuff, that would make his house a home, just like Rose’s. Maybe one day. Soon. Ray promised himself to at least look through it before the end of the year. He couldn’t run from it forever and who knew – maybe it even kinda helped him move another tiny step forwards.

 

Tony was already looking around excitedly while Rose had disappeared around the corner and into the kitchen. She produced a platter of roast chicken, a bowl of mashed potatoes and one of buttered peas. That explained the delicious scent. Ray’s cooking had improved a lot over the years, but he was pretty sure, that this was gonna be quite a bit better than anything he could have produced by himself. Rose placed everything on the already set table and asked him: “I’m gonna have some wine and you’re welcome to join me, but would you rather want a beer?” Ray smiled and nodded, oddly satisfied that she had remembered his preferences. After their host had seen to their beverages and prepared a glass of apple juice for Tony, they sat down together. His son was at his very best behavior, he managed to use his cutlery correctly, didn’t speak with his mouth full and for once didn’t end up with food all over his clothes. Ray was so proud of him! And by the way – it was really good. Damn, Rose’s roast chicken even rivaled his mom’s and that was saying something.

 

As soon as they had cleared their plates, Rose proposed: “I have an idea. Tony, you’ve been so good this evening, I think we should do something special. Why don’t we built a blanket fort and have desert in there? What do you say?” The little guy’s eyes lit up at that and he squealed in delight. Ray bit his lip. God, he loved that kind of crazy in people. He hadn’t built a blanket fort since his own childhood. Tony told Rose excitedly that his friends and him had done that at a birthday party a few weeks ago. Why hadn’t he been the one to introduce his boy to that? Man, he had tried so hard to be a good enough father to him, but lately he questioned absolutely everything, ever since he had realized how bad he had actually gotten. There it was again, the fucking f-word. _Failure_. Before his thoughts could spiral even further down the pit of his self-loathing, he pulled himself together and forced himself to look forward. No use crying over spilt milk. He would make the best of it now and try harder in the future. What else was there to do anyway?

 

Once the dishes were stacked into the dishwasher, Rose gathered a plethora of blankets and pillows from God knew where. Yup, this was definitely a female’s household. Jesus Christ, who needed so much stuff?! Ray wondered for a moment whether this affinity to textiles was genetic or just an acquired women’s thing. Anyway, they arranged the armchairs and the dining room chairs around the sofa, moved the coffee table out of the way and Rose tied the corners of a few blankets together before she slung the end of the cord around the lamp above them. The result was some kind of tent-like structure and they used pegs to connect the edges of the blankets before they secured them around the chair’s legs. Ray had to admit, her technique was pretty cool, that was definitely the next level compared to what he had built with his brothers when they had been children. In the end they lined the expanse between the chairs and the couch with pillows and Rose threaded a long strand of Christmas lights through the legs of the chairs and over the seat of the sofa. The soft glow made for a warm, Christmassy feeling and Tony’s eyes were shining with rapture when Ray crawled in next to him. Just then Rose joined them, balancing a small tray on one hand.

 

They sat there, quite densely packed, and spooned mousse au chocolat with strawberries while Tony was rambling on and on about how Rose’s blanket fort was so much cooler than his friends’ and that he would so build one of those with them soon. Ray’s knees started to protest against sitting cross-legged for so long and it became slightly muggy in their little den, but he wouldn’t have missed this for the world. His heart was beating a little faster as a wonderful warmth spread through his chest and he could have sworn, that there were fucking butterflies in his stomach. It was one of those special moments, that ended up becoming his most precious memories. Eventually Tony’s eyelids dropped and he snuggled into Rose’s side. She laid down onto the pillows and pulled the little guy closer until he was nestled safely into her shoulder. Ray finally stretched his aching limbs and joined them, even though it was cramped and his feet kinda poked out of the blankets.

 

“Thank you. It was a great evening”, he whispered and hoped that he wouldn’t wake up his son, because there was something he needed to know, something, that had been eating away at him ever since the day before. “It was indeed”, she agreed with a shy smile and Ray sighed heavily, before he ground out what he just couldn’t keep inside any longer. “Why didn’t you tell me that you know Frank?” There. He had thought about it again and again, it was like a stone in his shoe, annoying the shit out of him and eventually rubbing blisters until he could get it out. Rose averted her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before she answered softly: “He’s my best friend. We know each others deepest secrets, he told me things he’s never spoken of to anyone before, not even James – he’s been in on his problems pretty much from the beginning. You would have asked questions, but it simply isn’t my place to share his story. That’s why I kept my mouth shut. He told me about yesterday night and I’m sure you want to know what’s wrong with him, but he begged me not to say anything, so I won’t.”

 

Ray sighed yet again. He did get it, really, but a part of him couldn’t help but pout. He had thought that him and Frank were brothers in all but blood and even though he hadn’t seen much of his friend during the last year… why did _James_ know? Ray had met Frank long before him, they had been through so much together! It took a hell of a lot of effort to push those thoughts aside. Next came disgust. _Here we go again_. What the actual fuck was wrong with him?! Frank was hurting for some reason and instead of trying to figure out a way to help, he was sitting here and feeling sorry for himself, because he wasn’t in on the big secret? God, he was such a shitty person, no wonder he felt like he barely had any real friends left. “I can’t believe how much things have changed. Yesterday was nice, but sometimes he seemed like a stranger to me. I’ve distanced myself so much from everyone and everything that I didn’t even realize how it happened”, Ray whispered dejectedly.

 

Soft fingertips brushed over his cheek and warm lips met his in an impossibly tender caress. “Hey, that’s nothing you can’t fix. You might not be up to date with people’s lives, but those who matter will understand. And in Frank’s case – please don’t take it personally that he didn’t open up to you. He still might. And by the way – Gerard and Mikey don’t know either, I actually doubt that they even realize that he’s far from fine. Except for me there are exactly three people he confided in: James, Jamia and Evan. I’m his therapist, James found out by accident and Jamia and Evan are family. That’s it. There’s a reason why he didn’t bring it up when it started and later on he kept his mouth shut, because it’s hard to come clean with someone after you’ve kept it from them for years. And you were in L.A., at the other end of the country, then Tony was born and this last year you had enough on your plate already without him adding to it”, Rose explained softly before she rested her forehead against his.

 

Ray slung an arm across her belly and over his son’s sleeping form as he shifted closer. “I worry about him. He really didn’t look very well yesterday”, he admitted and tried not to think of the things his friends had done over the years whenever their eyes had become void and full of pain. Gerard would drink. Mikey would self-medicate. And Frank would hole himself up with James and scream out his pain through music. Up until now he had always thought that Frankie’s way of coping had been the healthiest, but with what he had seen of him yesterday, he wasn’t sure whether it would be enough this time. And that thought scared the shit out of him. Rose sighed wearily. Her warm breath ghosted over his skin. She smelled of Christmas, wine and chocolate. God, if anyone ever bottled that scent Ray would totally buy it and try to drown himself in it. “We have it under control… as best we can. Would you mind changing the topic? He’s gonna tell you when he’s ready, on his own terms”, she murmured and Ray admitted defeat. He was kinda torn, on the one hand he was deeply impressed by her discretion, on the other it frustrated him to no end. Anyway, he vowed to himself that he would be there for Frank from now on. And he would definitely pay a hell of a lot more attention to what his friend did and said. He never should have retreated into himself so much. Others had problems, too, and it would have been his fucking job to take care of Frank.

 

“Alright, change of topic… uhmm… am I allowed to kiss you?”, Ray blurted out without thinking. _Smooth. Really fucking smooth, Toro._ A faint pink blush spread across Rose’s cheeks while he probably looked like a tomato or something. “As long as you don’t do it like the other day – I’m only human”, she whispered breathily before her lips collided with his. A guttural groan erupted out of Ray’s chest, but he remembered just in time to keep his mouth closed and hold back. She carefully sucked his bottom lip between hers and Ray’s breath caught in his throat. God, he would have loved nothing more than to grab her hips and grind his rapidly hardening cock against her, but he contented himself with stroking her hair and lightly tracing the shell of her ear. That was when a sleepy voice asked: “Does that mean you love each other _now_?” Uuuh… yeah. Timing, kiddo! Rose pulled back and her resigned sigh felt cool where she had sucked on his lips. Ray couldn’t, for the life of him, think of a tactful way to answer. It wasn’t a ‘yes’, definitely not, but was it a ‘no’? A ‘maybe some day’? A ‘not yet’? Probably an ‘I don’t know’. Apparently it had taken him too long to reach that conclusion, because his son frowned at him and said: “But why are you kissing then?” Oh Jesus, that was a loaded question if he had ever heard one.

 

“Because your dad is reeeaaally good at it and it’s nice”, Rose chimed in and saved his sorry ass yet again. Tony didn’t look convinced and huffed doubtfully. “Do you _like_ my Dad at least?”, the little guy inquired mercilessly. Ray held his breath and risked a glance at Rose’s face. She bit her lip while another blush crept across her perfect cheekbones. “Yeah… I do”, she murmured after what felt like an eternity. Ray’s heart missed a beat and then sped up considerably. God, he hadn’t expected three little words to affect him so much, especially since it hadn’t even been _those_ three words. His head was spinning with endorphins when he pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. “I like you too”, he whispered against her skin and felt goosebumps erupt all over his arms when she shuddered under his touch. A loud yawn made him look up again and he smiled to himself when he caught sight of his son, who was losing the fight against his dropping eyelids.

 

No wonder, it was nearing nine in the evening, long past his usual bedtime. “I think we have to say goodbye for today”, he stated apologetically. Damn, he really didn’t want to go and return to their house and his empty, cold bed, their blanket fort was so much cozier. Rose smiled at him and carefully gathered Tony in her arms. Together they managed to get the little guy out of their den without waking him up. Rose wrapped him into one of her blankets and carried him while Ray put on his coat and his shoes. He grabbed Tony’s stuff and held open his car’s door for Rose to gently place his sleeping son in the backseat and buckle him up. Tony didn’t even stir. “Thank you for everything”, he said as he wrapped her in his arms. She pressed herself against him since she was only in her thin pullover. “You’re welcome, I loved having you over. Please drive carefully”, she answered shivering. It was really fucking cold, New Jersey winters were so different from what they had gotten used to in L.A.. “Always”, he responded and rubbed her upper arms for warmth. She bit her lip and nodded. “I couldn’t bear losing the two of you that way, as well”, she whispered barely audible. Oh God, of course! Her husband and her child had died because of icy streets! He hadn’t even thought of that. “I promise to text you when we get home, okay?”, he offered and was rewarded with a tense smile. She reached up, threaded her fingers into his hair and pulled him down for one last kiss before she returned into the house and stood by the living room window until they were gone.

 

A while later, Ray carefully placed his son in his bed. He already thought that he had managed to get him undressed and into his pajamas without waking him up when the little guy blinked sleepily and murmured: “Daddy? Can I make a wish for Christmas?” Ray smiled at him and brushed a brown curl off his forehead. “Of course, buddy, what do you want?”, he asked him curiously. “I want a mommy. I want _Rose_ to be my mommy.” Oh God. Ray felt his throat close up and his eyes sting. “Well, then we’ll have to write a wish list for Santa first thing tomorrow, okay?”, he choked out, but Tony was already out cold. Ray got up slowly and dragged himself out of the room. He turned back in the doorway and looked at his sleeping son. Of course he would want a mom, a woman to protect, spoil and love him unconditionally. Rose had been a mother before, she was so gentle and kind, he just _knew_ that she could give his son exactly what he craved. And not just his son… Slowly, but surely it dawned on Ray that Tony’s innocent wish might be exactly what he wanted, as well. Someone to share his life with, someone to hold onto, someone to love. He squeezed his eyes shut, closed the door and rested his forehead against it when his subconscious replaced ‘someone’ with the mental image of a beautiful blonde woman with cerulean blue eyes and a tender smile.

 

~~~

 

Friday saw Ray standing in his guest bedroom, his eyes roaming over the array of cardboard boxes. They had only unpacked what they really needed and stored the rest up here. He hadn’t even entered this room ever since they had moved in and it showed, there was dust everywhere. He had the day to himself since one of Tony’s friends was celebrating his birthday party today and that boy’s mother would pick all the kids up from pre school. Rose wouldn’t come over either, she was on a girl’s night out with Jamia and a few others. Alright. He had promised himself to at least look at all this stuff, therefore he randomly picked a box and opened it. It turned out to be a part of his record collection he had missed already, but he had never mustered up the energy to look for it in here. There was a lot of classic rock, the Stones, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan and a Hendrix album, that probably used to belong to one of his brothers at some point. He smiled to himself when he discovered his Pink Floyd LPs. ‘The Wall’ and ‘Dark Side Of The Moon’ were two of the greatest records ever made, at least in his opinion. He could listen to them on a daily basis and still find something new every time. Ray remembered lazy afternoons in junior high at his friend’s house with their eyes closed and their heads in another place. They’d just sit there and try figuring out what it all meant, what it was trying to say, what that noise in the background was. Back when life had been simple and his biggest worries had been schoolwork. He closed the box again and placed it next to the door. That one he would take with him when he was done for the day.

 

The next turned out to be all kinds of horribly embroidered tablecloth, napkins, towels and the like. He quickly kicked it into the farthest corner. Boring. No guy needed that much stuff. He had two plain white tablecloth for his dining room table and didn’t want any more, Rose’s visit a few days ago had actually been the very first time he had used them. Ray quickly reached for another box and grinned when he set eyes on the crayons he had nicked from the set of the ‘I’m Not Okay’ video. Well, the yellow one was bitten off, but the rest was perfectly fine. He still wouldn’t give them to Tony. Those were _his_. Man, that video shoot had been a blast! Especially that part when he and Frankie had tackled Brian, their manager, who had been wearing that silly mascot costume! There was so much more, backstage passes, posters, one of the T-Shirts they had scrounged from Underoath during one of their very first tours, because they had run out of clothes… God, this really was memory lane!

 

He even found his ray gun and weighted it in his hands. It looked just like he remembered it, blue with white and red stripes, his killjoy symbol on the stock and ‘because I said so’ written in capital letters on the barrel. Ray bit his lip and contemplated spinning it around his finger, but he controlled himself, they all had learned the hard way that that was a bad idea and he still had a small scar where the gash from the sharp trigger had been. Next he discovered an old friend. His Black Parade jacket. Wow, he could hardly believe that the last time he had worn it was nearly ten years ago. His fingertips skimmed all the little buttons and ribbons. Ever so slowly he unfolded it and pushed his arms through the sleeves. Well… yeah. He managed to put it on, but only barely and he didn’t even try to zip it up. Those uniforms had been quite tight-fitting from the beginning and his nightly workout sessions had resulted in broader shoulders and more muscular arms. There was no way he could move in this, yet alone play guitar. His feelings were all over the place. Nostalgia, yearning, sadness, but also fondness and appreciation. Too much and too difficult to discern right now. He carefully peeled off the jacket and put it back. His Jet Star leather jacket was right below, but he didn’t bother to try it on, the result would be the same. Ray closed the box again and placed it next to the first one by the door. Rose would love to see all that stuff the next time she came for a visit.

 

By and by he actually began to enjoy digging through his past. The next few boxes were rather boring and he started a pile of stuff he wanted to get rid off. There was a kitschy tea set one of Christa’s relatives had given them for their wedding, a few vases he had no use for and like three boxes of pillows and blankets. But then he opened another one and immediately felt tears spring to his eyes. God, that smell! Ever so slowly he buried his face in the neatly folded clothes and inhaled deeply. Christa. A sob tore out of his throat as he started to cry into her favorite shirt. He pressed it to his nose and frantically inhaled her scent, again and again, until he became light-headed from hyperventilating. It didn’t even really smell like her, but it was that fabric conditioner she had used. Combined with the faintest whiff of her favorite perfume it made his heart ache in his chest and his head throb. Fuck, this hurt so badly, but by now he had understood that he had to let it all out instead of just bottling it up. He had to accept the pain before it could get better. And so he just sat there and cried like a baby until he had no tears left and was utterly exhausted.

 

Ray had no idea how much time had passed, but eventually he felt like he could breathe again. He tumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water into his face before he blew his stuffed nose and glanced into the mirror. God, he looked fucking pathetic. His eyes were swollen and red, his skin blotchy and his hair a rat’s nest. Just great. He turned away again and dragged himself back to the guest room. He had to get this done. Now. Somewhere during his breakdown he had understood that he had to make room if he ever wanted to have a new relationship. And not just in his home, but in his life and – most importantly – in his heart. He had no idea how to accomplish that last one, but it would probably be a start to sort through Christa’s stuff and decide what he wanted to keep and what could be donated or something. So that was what he did. Not quite an hour later he had divided her clothes into three piles. There was a really big one he would give to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. A few things were too worn for that and would be dumped and an even smaller pile remained. There was her favorite shirt, of course. The dress she had worn when he had proposed to her. The shirt that said: ‘You’re gonna be a Daddy’. The garter she had worn on their wedding day and on every single anniversary since. Those few items he placed on top of the two boxes next to the door before he took a deep breath and tackled the rest.

 

One box contained all kinds of cables, pedals and other gear, another one books and comics. He stumbled across the Christmas decorations and mentally berated himself for not making the pre-Christmas period special for his little boy. All that went into the ‘distribute-around-the-house corner’. The second to last box turned out to be filled with framed pictures and photo albums. Ray swallowed hard and sat down heavily next to it. Right on top lay a few family photos, the three of them over the years, his abuela holding Tony for the very first time, four generations of Toro men: his grandfather, his dad, his brothers, himself and Tony. He thought back to Rose’s words. She had told him that first night to put up a picture of Christa somewhere in the house. Ray had no idea whether he could actually cope with that. However, he wanted his son to know who his mother had been. She should be more to him than a few blurred memories, he owed her that much. Therefore he grabbed the framed photos, returned to the living area and placed them all over the room. Even though it hurt, he felt accomplished.

 

When he finally returned to the guest room, there was only one box left. He opened it without hesitating and stared wide-eyed at the soft white fabric. Christa’s wedding dress. Alright, that was more than he could take. He closed the lid as quickly as he had opened it and pushed the box into the farthest corner. He hardly remembered his wedding day, it had passed in a blur, but there were a few crystal clear moments, that were burned into his memory. The moment he had said ‘I do’. Their entrance into the ballroom. Their wedding dance. The only thing he knew for sure was that it had been the happiest day of his life. The guys had all been there, their families, their friends, it had been _huge_. They had celebrated until four in the morning and had been so knackered that they had barely managed to have a proper wedding night. It had been quick and sloppy and he had been so exhausted that he had passed out directly afterwards. So they had had more of a wedding morning than a wedding night and had made up for it the next day. The memory of that was what had gotten him through the following tour. Ray was done for today and practically fled from the room. But he was kinda proud of himself and that hadn’t happened in a while. He had actually started to get everything in order and that was a damn good feeling.


	5. Victorious

The landing field of Buffalo Niagara International Airport was coming closer and Tony pressed his nose flat against the plane’s tiny window. No wonder, Ray could count the times the little guy had flown on one hand. The last flight had been pretty soon after his mother’s funeral when he was still desperately trying to understand what was happening and the ones before he probably didn’t remember since he had been so young at the time. But today he was bubbling over with excitement and curiosity while Ray himself was fighting his dislike of flying. Actually he hadn’t even wanted to take his son with him. He had tried so hard to keep his family out of the limelight all those years, not even Tony’s name was known to the public. He wanted him to have a normal childhood, like every other kid, and to find his place in the world because of his own achievements, not because he was Ray Toro’s son. However, today his parents had been invited to a wedding, Dom was at work and his youngest niece was sick with EBV. He had tried to get a sitter for the day, but on such short notice and overnight… Frank had invited him to his gig today and after their movie night a few days ago Ray felt like he just had to be there. He was so worried for his friend and since he had vowed to never let him down again, he had reluctantly packed a bag for his son, as well, and taken him with him.

 

So far nobody had recognized them, at least not that he was aware of. They had made it through Newark Liberty Airport and one and a half hours on the plane without an incident (okay, he had booked first class, but still, there were a few folks in here with them). Ray was wearing glasses again and had hidden his trademark fro under a black beanie hat. His clothes were dark and casual, nothing eye-catching, just plain jeans, a dark turtleneck and a warm black parka. Tony was dressed similarly and he just prayed that they wouldn’t be recognized. He didn’t know whether he would be able to handle their fans after he had kept to himself for so long and he wasn’t particularly eager to find out. A good hour after their arrival, Ray opened the door to their hotel room. He left their bags there, got his sunglasses and they were on their way again. Only five minutes after he had hailed a taxi to the venue, they were standing outside a huge, flat building in a run down former industrial estate. Already a crowd was gathering around the entrance, no surprise there, the doors would open in only 30 minutes. Ray fumbled for his phone and dialled a familiar number.

 

“Hey man, how’s it goin’?”, Frank asked him airily. “Well, I’m right outside and wondering whether there’s a backdoor”, Ray explained with a broad grin. “No fucking way! Oh man, you’re here? That’s so fucking rad! Hang on, I’m on my way!”, his friend cried out and gave him directions as to where he would pick him up. It didn’t even take him two minutes to reach the side door Frank had mentioned. He was already waiting for them, all in black, but with a yellow jumper peeking out underneath his back dress shirt and hoodie. Three layers at the very least, probably more like five, Ray wasn’t quite sure, Frankie had always been a fucking icicle. He was bouncing on his feet, a broad grin splitting his face in half. Ray grinned right back as his friend flung himself into his arms. “Oh my God, I never would have thought that you’d actually come!”, Frank exclaimed and beamed up at him. The tightening of Ray’s chest was familiar by now. When had it become such a novelty that he followed his friend’s invitations? “Wouldn’t miss it for the world”, he replied honestly. That was the moment Tony yelled: “Uncle Frankie!” and ran into his friend’s arms. “Hey buddy, geez, you’ve grown up since your Dad’s birthday!”, Frank said with a giggle and kneeled down to give the little guy a hug. “What happened to keeping a low profile? I thought you wouldn’t go anywhere you could be recognized with him?”, his friend wanted to know as he frowned at him. Ray sighed. “Look, I couldn’t get a sitter for him and I just felt like I should be here today. You’re more important to me than a few photos of Tony on instagram”, he tried to explain. Frank smiled from ear to ear and for the briefest moment the sparkle returned to his hazel eyes. Damn, that had been the first genuine smile Ray had seen from him in ages!

 

Frank showed them the way to a huge dressing room he and his band shared with Reggie And The Full Effect and PUP, who were currently undergoing a crash course on curling. “Guys, you’re never gonna believe this!”, his friend announced as they shut the door behind them. Ray was met with the incredulous stares of the guys. If it hadn’t been so sad that his presence was so out of the ordinary, he would have wheezed with laughter. James came over and gave him a bone-crushing hug. One by one the others snapped out of it, too, and before he knew it, he was surrounded by smiling faces and enthusiastic people. Evan Nestor, Frank’s brother-in-law, who played guitar, Matt, his drummer, and Alex, his bassist. It was great seeing them again. Of course he knew them, the scene in Jersey wasn’t all that big and Frank had been friends with them for years before they formed the Patience, therefore he had met them several times as well. After that James’ band came to say hello, Lance, Vincent, Michael and Jeremiah. God, he had missed this! Just hanging out backstage before a gig, adrenalin, frayed nerves and shitty beer.

 

Only a few minutes later Frank and the guys left for their curling session. Ray followed close behind and took up position at the boards with Tony in his arms, so that he could see something, too. It was a blast. His friends were playing against a band named ‘Copsuckers’. A pretty cool name, he had to give them that, but Mikey Way was still the unparalleled king of band naming. Anyway, those guys wiped the floor with Frank and the others. It was hilarious, Ray and Tony were watching with impish glee and snickered amongst themselves when Matt landed on his ass for the third time in five minutes. However, suddenly Tony said: “Daddy, there’s Rose!” Ray’s gaze followed his son’s outstretched arm and he felt his stomach flutter when he discovered her at the other side of the field. There was a guy talking to her, waving his hands and nearly spilling his beer in the process. He was inching closer to her and either didn’t realize or didn’t care that she looked decidedly uncomfortable and took a step back. Ray really didn’t like his facial expression. Greed, determination and thinly veiled leering. Suddenly her gaze met his. She gasped for air, her eyes went wide. Then she glanced at her dialog partner and an expression of reluctance, bordering disgust, flickered over her beautiful face. When their gazes locked again, her lips formed ‘Save me!’, at least that was what he thought it meant.

 

A scorching heat ripped through his chest and for once he immediately figured out what it was. Jealousy. Fuck, a primal little voice in his head told him to go over there and punch that bastard in the face. Usually he buried that side of himself as deep as it would go and tried his best to solve his problems with words and friendliness. But man, if he wasn’t triggered by that ignorant ass, who didn’t give a fuck whether his clumsy attempts at flirting were welcome or not! He didn’t even know whether it was his place to go over there and tell this moron to fuck off since he and Rose weren’t official in any way, but she clearly wanted him to. Helping her out was the right thing to do. Yeah. Just common decency. But he couldn’t let Tony out of his sight. If he went over there… He would not leave his son alone, but he couldn’t drag him into this either, could he? What if that guy would spoil for a fight? That was when his filthy fingers touched Rose’s long braid and she slapped his hand away. Alright, that was fucking it!

 

Ray got up, lifted Tony into his arms and made his way around the ice. Nobody paid them any mind, the few people around were all totally engrossed in the game, thank God this wasn’t open to the public. As they came closer, he heard that douchebag swagger about how great life as a rock star was and that he could get her backstage passes, blah blah blah. Needless to say, Ray had never seen him before and he still knew a thing or two about good bands and their members. They stopped a few steps behind the dork’s back and he smiled when Rose’s face lit up and her lips curled into a tiny smirk. Oh, this might even be fun. Ray took a good look at the guy again. A shiny black leather jacket, tousled brown hair, huge sunglasses and black skinny jeans. About 30 years old, slightly shorter than him and a little scrawny… Nope, he really didn’t ring a bell at all. Ray set Tony down again and was still pondering how to go about this when his son took off towards Rose and asked her: “Rose, who is that man?” Uhmm… yeah. She didn’t even bat an eye and picked him up. She cuddled him to her chest and said: “No one, sweetheart. Now, where did you leave your Dad?” Ray returned the smile she gave him and closed the distance between them. He casually slung an arm around her waist and made sure to straighten up to his full height. Damn, he never would have thought that he would find something good in his nightmares one day, but the subsequent workout really did pay off nicely right now. He might be like ten years older than his opponent, but he was pretty sure that he could take him if need be.

 

The guy eyed him up and down, quite obviously dismissed him and winked at Rose before he said: “I’m gonna be around for a while if you’re interested. There’s nothing like a guitarist with nimble fingers.” Oh God, seriously, that had to be one of the worst pick-up lines Ray had ever heard! He snorted disdainfully and shook his head, he couldn't believe that it would actually work from time to time. Then again, some fans were downright obsessed with their idols and would jump right into bed with them at the first opportunity, he had first hand experience on that, even though he had been the least sought-after member of My Chem. Meanwhile Rose burst into peals of laughter as she leaned against his shoulder. She peered up at him mischievously through her thick black lashes and bit her lip. Oh, Ray totally got her drift. He had never been the type to brag about his status as a celebrity, but this time he really couldn’t resist. Fuck it, maybe someone would snap a photo of them. So what? It was worth it. He pulled off his beanie, straightened his hair, took off his sunglasses and raised an eyebrow at the idiot in front of him.

 

The dork gaped like a fish. So much for not being recognized today… To hell with it. Damn, it was really hard to keep his face straight, this was fucking hilarious! Rose looked up at him with pure adoration in her blue eyes. “Oh, I think I’m perfectly fine”, she sighed and bit her lip. Wow. Ray couldn’t remember the last time a woman had looked at him like that. “Ray Toro of My Chemical Romance. We haven’t met before, have we? I thought I knew each and every guitarist, who’s gonna play tonight, what was your name again?”, he asked the guy with a friendly smile. The man didn’t say a single word. He bit his lips, ducked his head, turned around and made himself scarce. Mission accomplished. Something in Ray’s chest swelled with pride. He couldn’t deny that it had felt fucking great to put that idiot in his place. Rose was giggling beside him and Tony’s laughter was the most beautiful sound in the world.

 

Ray finally took the time to actually look at her and God, was she a sight to behold! Her legs looked good enough to eat in those black skinny jeans. She wore one of Frank’s t-shirts under a black leather coat, that hugged her slim waist in a way, that should be illegal. Black boots, a few studded wristbands and fingerless gloves with Frank’s symbol and name on them completed the look. Her lips were a deep red and the smokey eyes brought out the cerulean blue even more. A thick, long blonde braid rested on her breast and she had donned a black knitted beanie for warmth. However, what caught his eye the most was her guitar pick necklace. She followed his gaze and smiled as she held it up for him. “I’ve had this for years. Caught it during Warped Tour in 2004 and got you to sign it a few days later”, she explained while she blushed violently. Wow, this thing was fourteen years old! “I think you’re gonna love what I found yesterday. I started to clean out my guest bedroom and there were my parade jacket, my ray gun and a ton of other stuff...”, he said with a grin. Her entire face lit up as she beamed at him. “Uhmm… any plans for tomorrow night?”, she asked him suggestively as she shifted closer. Ray couldn’t help but laugh at her eagerness. Apparently she couldn't contain the inner fangirl permanently after all, but he found it kinda cute. In the meantime he had put on his glasses again, but he didn’t bother with the beanie and stuffed it into his pocket instead.

 

And then he finally wrapped his arms around both of them and sighed contentedly when she huddled up to his chest. It felt divine. It felt like a family. That familiar warm feeling bloomed in his chest and he closed his eyes for a moment, allowed himself to revel in it. “Ray, I know it’s neither the right place nor the right time for this conversation, but… what are we? I mean… this guy is totally gonna think that we were a couple”, she whispered into his jacket. He swallowed hard. So this was it. The one thing he had been brooding over for days now. Damn it, he neither knew what this thing was they had nor what he wanted it to be. Alright. Maybe that wasn’t entirely accurate. Ray damn well knew what he wanted, what he _needed_. He just didn’t want to admit it. “Would you want that?”, he asked her to play for time and pass it on to her. She hid her face in the collar of his jacket as her arm tightened around his waist and her entire body tensed up. “Yeah. I do. Very much so”, she whispered quietly enough that he nearly would have missed it over the constant noise of the game.

 

Ray took a deep breath. This was happening so fast. It was crazy, he already felt incredibly close to her, even though they had met a mere week ago. He shouldn’t be making hasty decisions, especially not such important and life-changing ones. Damn it, he was a grown man, a father, he had responsibilities! Especially when it came to Tony, he had to make sure that he wasn’t hurt, the little guy had gone through enough shit as it was. But then he thought back to that douchebag, who had tried to hook up with Rose. God, it felt so incredibly good that she had so obviously chosen him over that guy! He wanted more of that. Ray swallowed hard when he tried to imagine his life without her. If he would never see her again… damn it, it had only been a week, but he wasn’t sure whether he could cope with that. She had single-handedly cheered up his entire family, charmed his mom, made him pick up a guitar and reconnect with his friends again and won over Tony’s heart by storm. Not to mention the way she had opened his eyes to his mental problems and his inadequate coping strategies. That was when he remembered his mother’s words: ‘You have to take a risk every now and then, because if you don’t you might live a little quieter, but the best things in life will pass you by.’ God, this was the craziest thing he had done in a loooong time.

 

“Then we are. We are a couple”, he decided with a sense of finality. When he drew back slightly to look at them, Tony’s face was split in half by his huge gin and Rose was beaming at him. He kissed her. He just had to, there was no holding back when her eyes were sparkling like that and those irresistible lips looked good enough to eat. His girlfriend moaned softly into the kiss while her free arm came up around his neck and pulled him in as she pressed herself against him. It could have been hardly more than a few seconds when they were interrupted by dog whistles. They jumped apart and looked around for the source. Of fucking course. Frank. He was standing right there, at the other side of the boards, grinning like a madman. Why the hell was Ray even surprised? Evan and Matt right next to him were staring at them with eyes as wide as saucers. However, the first one to actually find his voice was Tony. He wriggled out of Rose’s arms until she set him down and exclaimed: “Eeeeeeewwww, gross!” They all burst out laughing and returned to the entrance to the ice, Tony marching ahead indignantly and Ray never letting go of Rose’s hand. Frank gave him a bone-crushing hug as soon as he came into reach and whispered: “Man, I can’t even tell you how happy I am for you guys. Seriously, this is the best news in forever.”

 

Then he moved on to Rose and lifted her off her feet. “Frankie, I swear to God, let me down, you hyperactive gremlin!”, she cried out as her fists pounded his back. Well, her description of their friend was spot on, he had to give her that. “Gremlin, seriously? How do you always come up with that shit?”, Frank asked with a giggle as he set her back down. “Do you ever read the comment section of your videos on YouTube? It really is a constant source of inspiration, I think you were called a gore-obsessed man-child at some point”, she responded with a cheeky grin. “Well, they’re right about that”, Evan chimed in while James and the rest of his band were roaring with laughter. “So _that’s_ where you get your nicknames for me, huh? That’s cheating, you know?”, Frank huffed in mock annoyance. Ray smiled to himself. It was so obvious how much those two cared for each other and he was simply beyond grateful that they had each other’s backs. “Sooo… curling?”, Rose teased his friends and earned herself a chorus of agonized groans. Ray noticed with malicious joy how Matt rubbed his behind. Too bad the man was a drummer and still had quite a bit of sitting to do before the night was over. “Yeah. Remind me again why I thought that was a good idea”, Frank grumbled while the guys of Reggie and the Full Effect were snickering into their beards. Well, their own curling session was still ahead. Ray would enjoy that immensely, he was already wondering who would make the first face plant. His money was on James.

 

An hour later Every Time I Die was done and James and the guys staggered out onto the ice. Ray, Evan and Frank were standing at the boards, each with a can of beer and laughing their asses off. Rose and Tony had wandered off in order to watch some wrestling inside the venue, but Ray hadn’t wanted to go there just yet. Too many people. There were like 50 out here and they were leaving them in peace, thank you very much. However, about five minutes into the game they were approached by the three girls, that had just played against ETID. The looked like college students, probably in their early twenties, with ripped jeans and thick black eyeliner. Frank and Evan immediately went into full fan mode and signed the notebook and the shirt they had brought, smiling and making small talk. Ray stepped back and amusedly watched the girls swoon over his friends. Back in the day he had gotten his fair share of such admiration, as well, and he had never quite figured out how to handle it. Boy, was he glad that he no longer had to deal with it on a daily basis.

 

However, he definitely noticed the wistful looks those three gave him. He sighed inwardly and joined his friends for a moment. What was the worst that could happen? They all posed together for a few photos, that would probably end up on instagram right away, and he reluctantly signed their stuff, as well. Damn, he hadn’t done that in over a year! They all told him how happy they were to see him, but to his great relief none of them mentioned the cause of his long absence from the limelight. People knew what had happened, of course, and usually they were very considerate, thank God for that. Just when he thought that the worst was over and they could return to their beers, one of the girls asked him whether he would play with Frank tonight and the other two squealed with excitement at the idea. Ray really didn’t know what to say to that, he hadn’t even thought of the possibility! He was quite taken aback, to be honest, but he caught Frank and Evan exchanging mischievous looks. “Oooooh no, forget it, not gonna happen. Don’t you dare pull the puppy dog eyes on me, Iero!”, he exclaimed decidedly. No way in hell.

 

“I kinda like the idea”, Frank replied innocently and battered his eyelashes at him. “Well, I don’t! You already have two guitarists, you don’t need a third!”, Ray stated with a tone of finality. He would _not_ be bullied into this! “Oh, you know, if you want to take over for a song or two, that’s totally fine with me!”, Evan chimed in with a wide grin. Jackass! Not helping! Frank gave the girls his cutest, most beaming smile and said: “We’re working on it! Have a great evening!” After that he dragged him back into the general direction of the dressing room. “Come on, man, it’s gonna be fun, we could totally pull this off”, his friend begged him and took a swig of his beer. Damn it, that was not how Ray had expected this to go! “Frankie, seriously, I haven’t touched a guitar in a year! And I don’t know your last album well enough to play any of it, anyway!”, he tried to explain and was met with two uncomprehending faces. With a sigh he raised his hands and showed them his sore fingertips. “I’ve started again like a few days ago, but I don’t have calluses for shit! This sucks, I’ve tried everything, playing, rubbing alcohol, credit cards… It hurts like a bitch, I don’t remember it to be so bad when I first started playing as a kid”, he murmured and lowered his gaze to the ground. Suddenly he was enveloped in Frank’s firm hug. “Too many memories?”, his friend whispered quietly enough that Evan didn’t hear him. Ray managed a nod and bit back the tears, that had already welled up in his eyes. “What happened for you to pick it up again?”, Frank wanted to know. Ray smiled wearily. “Rose happened”, he answered and he knew that Frankie understood.

 

Speak of the devil, she just returned with Tony, who was riding on her shoulders and seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself. “This idiot wants to drag me onstage”, Ray filled her in and gave Frankie a mock death stare. Rose’s face lit up and Tony beamed at him. Damn… “I think someone once said that you were the best guitarist in Jersey”, Rose stated matter-of-factly. Ray could only snort at that. “Pfff, Gee’s full of shit, he could talk the panties off a nun”, he growled and was rewarded with a chuckle. “No argument there, but he does have his brilliant moments”, she admitted. Hmpf. There were so many people with crazy talent in Jersey and Gee had always been over-dramatic. Ray had never given too much on that particular phrase. In the meantime Rose had set Tony down and approached him. “He would be so proud of you, you know? Earlier he saw the stage and asked me whether you would play on something so big, as well. He’s never ever seen you perform live! Who knows when an opportunity like this will come again? You’ve played Wembley, you’ve played Madison Square Garden, you can damn well play this. And by the way – maybe you should do it on principle. Just to show that idiot from earlier what a _real_ guitarist can do, you know?”, she purred into his ear. Oh God, Ray was so fucked! How the hell did she do that?! “Ungh, fine, but I’m gonna blame you guys if this ends in a disaster! And someone’s gotta lend me a shirt, I’m not doing this in a wool jumper”, he ground out and glowered at his friends, who were grinning at him like Cheshire cats.

 

That was how he found himself offstage (left side, of course) in a Reggie shirt. What the hell was he even doing here!? He had been bullied into practising with the guys for like an hour or so before they had declared him ready and Frank was scheduled for an interview. God, he really hoped he wouldn’t make a complete fool of himself out there! Just then Frank and the guys finished “I’m A Mess”, Evan walked towards him and handed him his Strat. Just great. No going back. Ray slung the strap over his shoulder, took one last deep breath and glanced over his shoulder at his girlfriend and son. Tony looked even more adorable with the huge headphones one of the techs had found for him and Rose gave him an encouraging smile and a thumbs up. That was when Frank announced: “The next song is called Joyriding, but we actually have a surprise for you guys. This was a last minute idea, but I’m so fucking thrilled that he’s here! Please welcome our special guest! Ray! Fucking! Toro!” Oh God, this was really happening? What had he gotten himself into!? The roar of the crowd was deafening when he walked out there and gave a bow. His heart was hammering like a sledgehammer and he swore, he had never been so nervous before. Frankie beamed at him and Matt began the song right away. Apparently someone wanted to get this over with so that he could get off his uncomfortable drum stool…

 

I'm not sure what they said  
But if it's true I’ll bet  
It's just one more thing I'll regret  
I hate my weaknesses, they made me who I am

  
  
'Yeah it's cool I'll be OK'  
As I felt your pain wash over me  
So I dry your eyes and hide my shakes  
Because I hate that look that's on your face…

 

Damn, that hit close to home! Ray closed his eyes for a second, played the first chord and threw himself into the music. And it was fucking glorious! The longer it went, the more confident he became. His heart was racing and he could barely breathe, but his blood was boiling in his veins. _This_ was what he excelled at, what he was born to do. He felt alive, he was on fire! And for the first time since the end of their band… Frankie was too. Ever since the break up his friend had never had that bubbling energy, but today they were jumping around together, banging their heads (he was immensely grateful that Rose had taken off his glasses beforehand) and screaming the lyrics at each other. Just like old times! He had joined him on stage before when he had played with Leathermøuth, but that had been like 10 years ago or so and today was even better. He was on top of the world. It was over all too soon and he would have loved nothing more than to go on and on and on. Instead he bowed to the crowd again (they were going completely nuts, by the way), gave Frankie a hug, returned Evan’s guitar and left the way he had come. Rose and Tony were already waiting for him. His son flung himself into his arms and immediately started ranting about how cool that had been. Ray smiled to himself. He had been fucking terrified, but God, had that felt good! In the end he had just sucked it up and gone for it. And his son’s exaltation and the look of overwhelming pride in his girlfriend’s eyes were all the reward he could have ever wanted. The passionate kiss she gave him was just the icing on the cake.

 

They stayed for Reggie and the Full Effect’s set right after Frank’s. Actually he never let Tony stay up so long, but today was special. And nope, he was definitely not thinking of that one time he had pretty much made out with James on stage some ten years ago. God, he had been so drunk that day and still didn’t know how they had bullied him into doing it. Whatever. Afterwards PUP went on and they all returned to the guy’s dressing room. One by one the others hit the showers while they shared the pile of pizza someone had brought in. Ray received praise from all sides, it nearly made him feel a bit uncomfortable, but first and foremost he was relieved that he hadn’t butchered it and incredibly happy.

 

~~~

 

The next morning Ray awoke to the first light of day and a warm weight on his chest. He wasn’t even fully awake yet when a smile spread over his face. That Christmas scent was so unique… he still didn’t know how he had gotten lucky enough to get Rose into his bed again. At least it actually _was_ a bed this time. Somehow they had both booked the closest hotel to the venue and Tony had simply determined that she would stay in their room with them. Because apparently girlfriends and boyfriends had to sleep in one bed. Simple as that. He blinked a few times and looked down at her and his son. She had cuddled up to his side with her head on his shoulder and an arm slung across his belly. The little guy had somehow managed to squeeze himself between them and buried his face in his girlfriend’s chest. _Girlfriend_. Ray hadn’t even had the time to process the fact that he was no longer a single man. With his spontaneous guest performance during Frank’s set, the adrenalin during the show, their little get-together afterwards and Tony to look after, he hadn’t had a single moment to himself. Actually he hadn’t thought much at all and just gone with his gut feeling. So yeah, he was in a relationship and he didn’t know how to feel about it. If he was honest with himself, he had known from the very first night that that was where they had been headed all along. It had been a year since he had lost Christa. Logically he knew by now that it was okay to move on, but he really wasn’t sure whether he was ready for it. What if he messed up?

 

Yesterday had been a good day, a very good one, but it was only a question of time until he would have a bad one, again. He knew that he had depression and that that was how it went, he had seen it with so many of his friends in the past. Rose was a beacon of light in his darkness, but even she wouldn’t be able to cure him just like that. Ray remembered the last time he had hit rock bottom. The night of their jamming session, after she had run out of his house. How long would she be able to put up with all his shit? How long would she want to? She was already surrounded by broken, fucked-up people during her working hours, why should she take more of that afterwards? God, this was getting him nowhere. He clenched his jaw as he forced those thoughts as far back into the deepest recesses of his mind as they would go. They were still there, of course, whispering in his head, but he refused to let them take over his thinking when this angel in disguise was sleeping in his arms. Seeing her with Tony was bittersweet. They were so cute together, so right, but simultaneously a constant reminder of how things used to be. How often had he lain in bed like this with his family wrapped around him?

 

He looked up to the ceiling and for the briefest moment imagined the warm weight on his chest to be Christa. His eyes immediately started to sting and he blinked rapidly to get rid of the tears before they fell. Damnit, he finally had to accept that that would never happen again! Never! She wasn’t coming back! And wishing she was someone else was a horrible thing to do to Rose. Ray took a deep breath and inhaled her scent of cinnamon and vanilla. Christa was gone, but she would never truly leave him. She was a part of him, just like she was a part of Tony. He only had to find a way to be content with that. Rose, however, was still here with him and he hoped that she would stay. He looked down at her again and that cold, empty feeling in his chest slowly faded away to be replaced by a soft, warm tingle. She was perfect, in so many ways. Her golden hair was tousled from sleep and her long lashes cast soft shadows onto her cheeks. She wore a loose fitting Twenty One Pilots shirt over black shorts and he kinda liked that look even more than silk and lace. He knew that he didn’t deserve her, but God help him, this was what he wanted. Waking up with her and Tony on a Sunday morning with the sun fighting its way through the fog outside and no obligations but a family lunch in a few hours.

 

Her beautiful face scrunched up and she groaned quietly before she hid a yawn in his shirt. “Hey there”, Ray whispered and was greeted by her sleepy blue eyes. “Good morning… what time is it?”, she murmured back and suppressed another yawn. “I think around half past six or something. I set an alarm for seven, should be enough time to catch our flight”, he answered quietly since he didn’t want to wake Tony just yet. She hummed approvingly and shifted closer until their lips met in a tender kiss. Hmmm, she felt so good, all soft and warm, utterly perfect. He could definitely get used to waking up like this. She kept close to him even after they pulled back, rested her forehead against his and threaded her fingers through his curls. “Ray… I think I’m… falling in love”, she whispered barely audible. Oh God… Ray swallowed hard as her words set off a firework of emotion in his chest. His stomach was fluttering, his heart was hammering and his chest constricting. This was simultaneously elating and terrifying. Being wanted in some way was exactly what he so desperately needed these days. Ray didn’t know what she saw in him, but he was grateful beyond belief. However, he was equally scared, what if it didn’t work, what if he opened up to her even more and got up hurt? He wasn’t sure how much more his fragile heart and mind could take before he ended up broken beyond repair.

 

But still, even though the side of him, that always had to be in control and was overcautious, was screaming at him what the hell he was doing, he replied shakily: “M-Me too.” And fuck if it wasn’t the truth. Of course it was, how could it be different when she was everything he could have ever wanted? He simply couldn’t help himself. Even though he realized with unsettling clarity that she was light years out of his league, his foolish little heart was falling for her. He was already in too deep to go back. “Are you okay with that?”, she asked him hesitantly. He sighed. Always considerate of his feelings. “Don’t know. But I guess I’ll find out”, he murmured and earned himself a smile in return. Wait and see. There was nothing else he could do. That and hope for the best.

 

They stayed like this for a while, just breathing each other in, hearts beating in synch. Her fingertips ghosted over his lips and made him shiver when he kissed them. “There’s something I wanted to ask you, but it never seemed to be the right time. But since we’re official now I think we should get it out of the way, you know? So… could you… imagine having m-more kids one day?” Whatever he had been expecting, this was certainly not it. Daaaaamn… How the hell was he supposed to answer that? “Look… I… I don’t think I could take it again. I would panic from the moment I found out until after the baby was born”, he said earnestly. No use in lying to himself and her. “Well, I kinda expected that. But… is that final?”, she wanted to know with huge, pleading eyes. Ray sighed. If there was a woman he could try to have another child with, it would probably be her, but he was still fucking terrified. Just the thought of _her_ in a pool of blood made him want to vomit. “I don’t know. To be honest, that won’t even be on my mind for quite a while. Maybe one day, but right now I’m barely holding on as it is”, he admitted with raw honesty. It felt horrible exposing himself like that, unfamiliar and dangerous. “That’s fine by me. I’d really like having another child, but definitely not too soon, we still hardly know each other. I just wanted to know whether that was a total no for you”, she explained and Ray nodded with his eyes closed. Damn, it was way too early for such important conversations, especially without coffee.

 

~~~

 

About six hours later he parked his car in his parent’s driveway. They had had a quiet morning in Buffalo, ordered room service for breakfast and met up with Frank, Matt, Evan and Alex at the airport. They had been the only passengers in first class, made good use of the time and caught up properly since there had hardly been any time the day before. Ray had also invited his girlfriend for family lunch today and watched her park her car behind his in the rearview mirror. That conversation they had had in the morning was still gnawing at him and he had spent the entire ride from the airport to his parent’s house wrestling with himself. Another child? Would she break up with him if he couldn’t giver her that? He was pretty sure that Tony would love to be a big brother, but was he ready to be a father of two? God, he had barely been able to concentrate on driving. There was so much that could go wrong during a pregnancy and didn’t he know it. What if Rose wouldn’t survive giving birth and he was left alone again? Stranded with a child and an infant? What if both her and the baby… Fuck, he really didn’t want to imagine that, but his cruel mind still made up a mental image of her bleeding out on his living room floor. Ray’s hands gripped the stirring wheel hard enough for his knuckles to turn white. He simply couldn’t put Rose at risk like that!

 

Suddenly the back door opened and Tony jumped out of the car before he ran up to the door. Just a second later Rose slid into the seat next to him. “Are you okay? You’ve been a little out of it all day”, she asked him worriedly and placed a warm hand on his shoulder. Ray closed his eyes and sighed. Had he honestly thought that she wouldn’t have noticed? “Would you believe me if I told you that I was okay?”, he muttered wearily. “Believe you? No, definitely not. But I won’t pry and leave you in peace if you really want me to. Just know that I’m here for you if you need me, okay?”, she said softly and brushed a stray curl behind his ear. Another sigh. She was too good for him, he couldn’t even… “It’s just… when you said that you wanted another child this morning, I… I can’t, Rose! I really can’t. God, I would never forgive myself if something happened to you because of me, too!”, he burst out with a sob. There, he had said it out loud. Hot tears were burning in his eyes and he tried to hold them back by squeezing them shut, holding his breath and pinching the bridge of his nose. Rose didn’t miss a beat and straddled his legs. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, so that his forehead rested in the crook of her neck.

 

Ray latched onto her and held on for dear life just as his eyes finally brimmed over and the floodgates burst open. He tried his best to muffle his sobs in her leather coat and pull himself together, but he failed miserably, at both points. “Shhh… it’s okay, I’ve got you. We can work it out, you’ll see. Just… talk to me. What happened to Christa isn’t your fault, Ray. You never could have anticipated it and there’s nothing you could have done to change it”, she whispered into his ear. She was tense and her voice was shaking. Somehow her evident concern for him made him cry even harder. “That’s what my mom said”, he ground out through gritted teeth. A small, reasonable part of his mind knew that they both were right, but the rest still clung to the guilt, that was choking him. “And she’s right. I’m pretty sure the rest of your family would tell you the same. I know that it’s damn hard to tackle this rationally, but you’re gonna get there. If it was anybody else, another family, would you blame the husband because his wife had an accident while he wasn’t even in the house?”, she asked him quietly. Ray swallowed hard and pulled her even closer. If she put it like that… no, he wouldn’t. But that was beside the point, that was totally different, it wasn’t… “It _is_ the same thing. You can’t spend the rest of your life blaming yourself”, she interrupted his thought.

 

“I’m so sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn’t have said anything, I just thought that such things should be discussed at the beginning of a relationship”, she added apologetically. Ray shook his head a little. “No, you’re right. It’s just… I’m so afraid that you’re gonna leave me because I just can’t give you what you need”, he sobbed pathetically. God, if he were her, he wouldn’t want to be with him either. What kind of woman fancied a crybaby for a boyfriend? “Oh Ray, why would you think… I would never do that! I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to!”, she exclaimed totally confidently. She pulled back a little, cupped his face in her hands and tenderly wiped his tears away. “I really like you, Ray. And I’d rather be with you and help you raise Tony than hook up with the first who comes along and knocks me up. I would love to have another child, but it’s okay if you don’t. What I want the most is a family and that you can give me. So let’s go in and meet them, okay?”, Rose proposed. Ray felt like a heavy weight was lifted off his shoulders. “Thank you. I have no idea how I ever deserved you and why you even bother with me, but… thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me”, he murmured and felt his cheeks heat up.

 

“Because you’re a true gentleman, a wonderful father and you have a heart of gold. You and Frank are the only ones who really get me, I love spending time with you, you’re a great person. And I think that you’re absolutely beautiful. Don’t give me that look. You are! I wouldn’t have run away from you on Monday if you were anything but hot and I can tell you – that took a lot of self-restraint!” Ray was completely and utterly speechless. He even stopped crying out of shock or something. Damn! What the hell? He had never considered himself ‘hot’ in any way and never known how to handle it when people said that. Before he could come up with any kind of response, she kissed him. But this time it wasn’t just a chaste, closed mouth kiss like usual. She all but devoured him whole. Her tongue slipped between his lips and plundered his mouth, sending waves of scourging heat through his body. His grip around her waist tightened as she ground down on him. Her black jeans rubbed against his crotch and he whimpered against her when he felt the friction against his rapidly hardening cock. “See?” She gasped after she eventually pulled back and placed one of his hands on her breast, where he could feel her hard nipple through her soft pullover. Oh shit! She was that turned on by only one kiss? Dang!

 

“If we don’t get going right now, I might kidnap you, tie you to my bed and have my wicked way with you”, she purred into his ear and Ray nearly choked on his own spit. Fuck, his imagination was running wild and now at the latest his jeans became painfully tight. “I can’t believe you’re making me go to Sunday lunch with a boner!”, he said incredulously. She burst into laughter and bumped her head against the roof of his car. It really was more than cramped in here, so he finally opened the door and helped her climb off him. They straightened out their clothes and he wiped his eyes again before he caught her in a hug. Ray didn’t have words to express everything he felt at that moment. Relief, arousal, surprise, a bit of lingering shock, incomprehension and overwhelming gratitude. But he knew that she understood. She always did. “What is taking you so long? Come on, the food is getting cold!”, his mom yelled from the door. When Ray turned around, one arm still slung around his girlfriend’s waist, his mother’s face lit up and she squealed: “Madre de Diós, why didn’t you tell me? Come in, come in, oh, it’s so good to see you again, cariña!”

 

Ray only shook his head as she hugged the living daylights out of Rose and completely ignored him. _Thanks, mom_. Eventually they made it inside and his mother scurried back into the kitchen to get another place setting for his girlfriend while he helped her out of her leather coat. She wore yesterday’s jeans and a gray asymmetrical cashmere sweater underneath, that left one of her shoulders exposed. Damn, that didn’t help the boner situation at all! Ray adjusted himself as inconspicuously as possible while he hung their jackets, but judging by Rose’s little smirk she had noticed anyway. Minx. She would be the death of him. He led her towards the dining room, one of his hands resting on the small of her back and pointedly _not_ staring at that little bit of exposed skin, goddamnit! Everybody was already sitting around the table when they entered. “Uhmm… this is my girlfriend, Rose. My Dad Vincent, my brothers Louis and Dominic, Louis’ wife Liza and their daughters Emily and Sue”, he saw to the introductions. Damn, his brother’s faces were a sight for the gods! Dom was outright gaping at them, Ray really had to struggle in order to keep a straight face. One by one they all stood up to greet them, but his Dad was the fastest. He gave Rose a hug and was all smiles, there were even a few tears glittering in his eyes.

 

Eventually everybody returned to their seats and Rose sat down between Ray and Dominic (who received a very nasty look from his nephew for that _)_. His mother had cooked her great tostones rellenos, which were fried, meat stuffed platain cups. The meal went by without him even noticing, he was simply too captivated by the beautiful woman next to him and too overwhelmed by the fact that she was actually here with him. His brothers and his Dad were pestering Rose with questions and everybody seemed to be genuinely charmed by her. Well, what had he been expecting… she wrapped anybody around her little finger. After the last of the dishes were cleared away (Rose had insisted on helping his mom and sister-in-law), they sat together and enjoyed a cup of coffee. “So you’re telling me that you simply offered to drive them home? Oh come on, why does that never happen to me?”, Dom whined petulantly. Ray grinned at him, slung his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “Because I have the best wingman ever”, he explained smugly and ruffled Tony’s hair with his other hand. They all laughed at that, even Dom, but then his mother furrowed her brow and asked Rose: “Do you do such things often, cariña? This is Jersey, it might not be that bad out here, but I still wouldn’t invite strangers into my car!”

 

His girlfriend smiled at that. “Oh, but I knew who he was, he wasn’t a stranger. I’ve followed My Chem for fifteen years, you know? I owe them so much, that was the very least I could do to repay that. I’ve had some pretty rough times and their music is what got me through it”, she explained and kissed his cheek. Ray felt his face heat up and his heart beat faster. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been so thankful for his celebrity status. She looked at him as if he had hung the moon and he felt like he would grow a few inches by the adoration in her blue eyes. He leaned in and kissed her tenderly, but he still found himself unable to look away when they parted again a few second later. That was when he heard his mom chuckle and mutter under her breath: “Enamorado hasta las cachas!” Yeah, for sure! Ray was _not_ head over heels in love! That was entirely impossible, they had known each other for only a week, for crying out loud! What was he even supposed to say to that? He couldn’t confirm it with a clear conscience, but correcting his mother on something like that was just rude, wasn’t it? Luckily his phone chose that exact moment to buzz with an incoming text and he got around answering.

 

It was his group chat with the guys, Jarrod had written: ‘Congrats, man! Why didn’t you say anything?’ Huh? Ray had no idea what he was talking about. Maybe his little guest performance yesterday night? Neither had Gee, apparently, because he replied with a few question marks, only to be told to go check twitter. Ray did the same and was assaulted by thousands of notifications and an onslaught of pictures and tweets. A few were of him onstage, but most of them showed him and Rose, her and Tony or all three of them. Just great. He had known that that would happen and he only had himself to blame, but he still didn’t get why such a big deal was made of it. So what? People got into new relationships all the fucking time! He showed the pics to his girlfriend, who groaned and rolled her eyes, muttering “fucking bloodsuckers” under her breath. Yup, she was definitely Frank’s friend, that was exactly what he would have said right now. Well, some of the photos were pretty distinct, someone had even gotten a shot of them kissing. Yeah. That was pretty hard to explain. No denying would do him any good there. Alright, time to get things straight.

 

He tossed Louis his phone and said: “Take a pic of us, please?” Rose immediately snuggled up to him and they smiled for the camera. Ray then explained to her what he was about to do before he posted the photo on twitter. It was the first time in nearly a year that he put something up there, his last post was his goodbye after Christa’s death. He bit his lip and contemplated what to write with it. Eventually he typed: ‘Meet Rose, my wonderful girlfriend, savior and inspiration. I thank God every day for meeting her.’ There. A bit cheesy, but the fans would love it. He made it to 100 likes in a matter of seconds. Jesus Christ, how was this even his life?! That was when he realized that he had already missed a few texts by the guys and opened their chat again.

Ray furrowed his brow at the last two texts. He had the sinking feeling that he was missing something. Something important. Still confused, he showed his phone to his girlfriend and watched her face very closely while she took in the conversation. She grit her teeth at the end and shut her eyes, taking a very deep breath through her nose. “I guess you want to know what Frank is getting at. Don’t ask. Please. Trust me on that one. He’ll tell you when he’s ready. Just be there for him, he needs you”, she begged him quietly enough that the rest of his family didn’t hear. Ray sighed. He hated it when one of his friends was suffering and he didn’t know how to help. It drove him nuts, how the hell was he supposed to be there for Frank if he didn’t know which topics to avoid, when to be careful? And what the hell could be so bad that his friend, his brother in all but blood, kept them all in the dark? His curiosity and concern were killing him and he swore to himself that he would get to the bottom of this.


	6. Friend, Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide
> 
> Also, thank you very much to TudorTears for commenting :)

Monday night had Ray standing in front of Rose’s door once more. Actually he would have loved to take her out again, but after all the attention he had gotten on twitter and other social media the day before, they had decided to keep a low profile and meet here instead. He had dropped Tony off at his parent’s house, who had been more than eager to watch him and drive him to school the next day. Rose greeted him, looking drop-dead gorgeous in her tight blue jeans, a flowery top and a beige cardigan. It was a casual look, but it felt like she had shed her usual impeccable style and was letting him see a side of her she didn’t show just anybody. She had prepared a huge chicken pot pie. Ray fondly shook his head. Of course she would know his favorite dish without having to ask him. Dating a fan turned out to have its perks every now and then. They dug in and enjoyed their meal immensely. Just after they had finished eating, Rose’s phone buzzed in her pocket. A song started to play, that was vaguely familiar, even if Ray couldn't quite place it. Distorted guitars, drums… only when she furrowed her brow, answered the call and said: ”Hey Frankie, what’s up?”, did he recognize ‘Xmas Sux’, one of his friend’s older songs.

 

However, that was when the mood turned. Considerably. “Evan? Evan, what’s wrong?!”, Rose inquired tensely and rose from her chair in slow motion. Next all blood drained from her face and she wobbled a bit before she could hold onto the table. “Oh my God, what happened!?”, she yelled into the phone as tears started to form in her horrified blue eyes. Shit, something was very, very wrong. “No, no, I’m with Ray… Yeah. We’re on our way!”, she said hastily, grabbed his hand and all but dragged him towards the door. “Come on, we have to hurry up or Frank might do something very, very dumb”, she sobbed while she slid into a pair of boots, yanked on a random coat and grabbed her keys. Fuck! Somehow Ray managed to get his shoes on and ran after her out of the house, slamming the door behind them and not bothering to lock it. Since his car was parked behind hers, he slid into the driver’s seat and pulled out of the driveway as quickly as possible. He simply ignored things like speed limits and red traffic lights. All he could think of was his best friend, who might already be gone. The thought made his vision swim and his throat close up. He focussed on driving the best he could, but in the end it was a fucking miracle that they arrived at Frank’s house alive and relatively well. 

 

Jamia was already waiting for them at the front door, tears streaming down her face and looking wearier than Ray had ever seen her, even worse than with two newborn babies to take care of. Rose ran right past her and into the house. Apparently she knew exactly where she was going. “I brought Ray in case we have to break down the fucking door”, she wheezed in passing and raced towards the bathroom door. Evan was standing in front of it, his forehead rested against it and his glasses stained with tears. He looked up when she approached and she flung herself into his arms for a few seconds before she collapsed onto the floor by the door. Jesus, Ray couldn't keep up with everything that had happened during those last fifteen minutes! He felt like a sleepwalker, seeing but not processing, just standing by and watching completely numb what was happening. “Frankie… Frankie, talk to me”, Rose pleaded through the door, barely understandeable due to her tears. There was no response. She looked up at Evan, who showed her a piece of paper he had crumbled in his fist. Her eyes skimmed the lines and she choked on her breath, her eyes wide with horror and her lips trembling behind the fingers she pressed against them.

 

“Frankie… please. Please, please don’t. You’re not alone in this, we’re all here for you. We love you so much, I don’t think I ever even told you how much you mean to me. Before we met, I was a literal hermit. I wasn’t living, just existing. You pulled me out of that. I still remember how Pete asked me and Caren whether one of us could take over his appointment with a new patient who needed help with nightmares after a bus accident. I didn’t think anything of it, but then he said your name and I practically ripped the file out of his hands. I always gave you the last appointment of the day, so that we could go on and on until Jamia called you up and asked you where you had run off to. On the sixth anniversary of the accident you noticed immediately that something was off and you made me tell you about Ben and Gracie. That day was the first time you invited me here. You introduced me to Jamia, the kids and the dogs and we ended up talking through the night. Frankie… I’ve never had a friend like you. You’re passionate, kind, you understand me like nobody I’ve ever known, your sense of humor is just as pitch-black as mine and I love how you become a sassy bitch whenever I kick your ass in Mario Kart. You’re the big brother I never had. Alright, maybe more like a little brother, you’re the biggest man-child I know. You guys are the closest thing to family I have. Please don’t give up. The world would be a sadder place without you. I love you, Frankie. So much. Don’t go”, Rose pleaded, just loud enough to be heard inside the bathroom.

 

Ray stood rooted to the spot and tried not to cry when she poured her heart out. This was such an intimate moment between the two that he felt like an intruder. He really had underestimated the depth of the friendship they shared and couldn't even tell whether he had ever had something similar in his own life. She went on and on, gently reminding Frank of all the good times they had had together and the things that might still lay ahead. “… and who… who’s gonna walk your girls down the aisle one day if you’re not there on their wedding days? Just please… please talk to me. Tell me what you need, Frankie. Please, we can work it out, I’ll do anything to help you.” But his friend remained silent. If it hadn’t been for his occasional sobs and quiet sniffles, they probably would have kicked in the door right away. Maybe they had waited too long with that already. Rose exchanged a panicked look with Evan and was already struggling to her feet again, when a broken whimper sounded from the bathroom and Frank’s raspy voice replied: “He called today.” Ray still didn’t understand what was going on. Frankie knew all the world and their brother, he could be talking about anyone. 

 

“I take it there was a reason for that?”, Rose replied gently, her voice soft and soothing, even though her face was the epitome of fear and shock. Frankie sobbed quietly and murmured something that sounded like: “Of course.” Ray waited for more with baited breath, but his friend remained silent. After like a minute or so, Rose asked carefully: “What did he want?” A sob. An agonized whimper. “Another chance.” Ray was still struggling to make sense of it all when Evan slogged his fist against the nearest wall, hard enough to leave a dent, and roared like a bull in pain and fury. Damn, he was actually a really chill dude, Ray had never seen him so angry and immediately made a mental note to never seriously piss off Evan Nestor. “That goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch!”, he hissed and Ray blinked a few times before it registered that he had never heard so many swear words from Evan in one sentence before. But even though Frank’s brother-in-law seemed about ready to explode, Rose looked like she wanted to either throw up or curl up and cry. Or both. “What did you tell him?”, she managed to say after her voice cracked at the first attempt. “T-That I’m gonna… give it to him”, Frank replied quietly, barely understandable through the thick bathroom door. The reactions couldn’t have been more different. Evan froze. Rose looked absolutely horrified. And Jamia let out a pitiful little wail and swayed on her feet until Ray caught her in his arms and held her close. She all but collapsed into his hug and soaked his shirt with her tears, her entire body shaken by violent, silent sobs. Good God, Ray never would have thought that this entire family was so utterly broken, how could he have missed it for so long!? 

 

It was quiet for a while after that. The silence was only interrupted by Jamia’s hard breathing and the ticking of a clock somewhere down the hallway. It seemed to go on forever, as if they were all frozen in time. The air was thick with tension, he could have cut it with a knive. Finally Frank spoke again and murmured: “I said I was gonna give it to him… as soon as… he divorces her. He w-won’t get to play his l-little games with me… again.” Oh God. No, _please no!_ It hit Ray like a ton of bricks. There was only one guy Frankie had ever been into. Only one man, who had ever gotten under his skin. What the hell had he done to his friend to cause this!? What the fuck had they kept to themselves!? And _why_ , for fuck’s sake!? Jesus, it wasn’t as if they hadn’t known! So _that_ was Frankie’s big ass secret… but now that he knew it, Ray nearly wished that he didn’t. It felt like he had just opened Pandora’s box, there was no taking it back. 

 

Ever so slowly a smile spread across Rose’s face. “Frankie? Frankie, I’m _so fucking proud of you!_ ”, she said softly as she got up to her feet again and wiped her eyes. Evan’s tense shoulders relaxed and he blew out a long breath through his nose as he sagged against a wall, just next to the dent he had caused only a few minutes ago. All of a sudden the door was unlocked and yanked open. Frank darted out of the room and flung himself into Rose’s arms. He nearly would have toppled her over, but instead they both collided with the wall opposite the bathroom. She wrapped her arms around him and held on as if she never wanted to let go of him again. His friend was a mess. There were tears and snot all over his face, his eyes were red and puffy and his hair was a literal rat’s nest. “He won’t! He’s n-never gonna do it! Now I’ve l-l-lost him for good!”, he wailed and broke down completely. Ray had only seen him like this once before. And he had hoped so desperately that he never would again. Rose could barely hold Frank up when he trembled violently in her grip and his knees gave out as he cried into her cardigan. 

 

That was when Evan came out of the bathroom with a broken razor and a few blades in his hand. Ray’s stomach turned and bile rose in his throat. Whatever Gerard had done, he would fucking _kill_ him! “You deserve so much better, Frankie”, Rose whispered sothingly, but his friend only sobbed harder at that and ground out: “But I want _him_! He’s all I ever wanted!” Jesus! Ray squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep, shuddering breath when all the fears and suspicions he had carried for years were confirmed in a single sentence. He had fucking _known_ it! This couldn't be happening! It had to be some kind of sick dream or whatever! “I know, Frankie… I know”, Rose sighed defeatedly, as if they had had that particular conversation a hundred times before. “What did he say?”, Evan asked at last, considerably calmer than before, but still clearly on edge, judging by his flaring nostrils and his blazing eyes. “Nothing... he hung up on me”, Frankie admitted into Rose’s cardigan. Out of nowhere Jamia hissed: “I’m gonna kill him!” Wooooow! Ray did a double take, he had nearly forgotten that she was still lying in his arms! And by the way… hang on… she _knew_?! Apparently he had made some sort of surprised sound, because sudenly all eyes were on him. Frank looked absolutely horrified. He shrunk back into Rose’s embrace as if he wanted to crawl into her body annd hide there forever. Ray swallowed hard. God, his emotions were a single fucking chaos, but he understood that his friend needed him right now. 

 

He shook himself out of his paralysis and gently untangled himself from Jamia before he walked towards Frank and enveloped him in a bear hug. His eyes watered when his friend clung to him like to a lifeline. “Frankie, I’m _so fucking sorry!_ I should have been there for you”, he whispered in a hoarse voice and tried his hardest not to join everybody else in crying. Somebody had to keep it together and none of the others looked like they would calm down sometime soon. “It’s okay, man. You’ve had enough on your plate. First the break up, then Tony and your album and then… yeah. It’s alright”, Frank mumbled into his shirt. Ray clenched his jaw and shook his head. “No, it’s not! Rose is right, you deserve better. From me as well”, he objected right away and was rewarded with a muffled “Thanks, man.” He frantically searched for the right words and said eventually: “Do you want to tell me what happened? I mean… we all knew that there was something going on between the two of you, I’ve known for years.” Definitely a lot longer than he cared to admit. Frank let out a long, weary sigh. That was when Rose placed one of her hands on his shoulder, kissed his hair and offered: “I could fill him in if you want. Just tell me how much I shall say.” Frank only shrugged his shoulders. 

 

Ray registered that Evan left for the kitchen, presumably to throw the razor into the trash. Jamia followed soon after and busied herself there, judging by the clatter of pots and dishes. Frank still didn’t show any intention to move, therefore Ray simply scooped him up bridal style and headed for the living room. His friend gave a surprised yelp and clung to his neck, but at least he didn’t fight him. Small victories. Boy, was he glad that he had worked out so thoroughly! When they all had settled down on the couches, Ray noticed how Frank glanced over at the cupboard he knew to be his house bar. “Not tonight, Frankie. You’re stronger than that. You’ve seen first hand what it does to people, alcohol won’t solve your problems, it only postpones them and makes everything a lot worse”, Rose chimed in and squeezed his friend’s thigh. He was sat between her and Ray and looked smaller than ever with his shoulders hunched and his head hung low. Frankie was playing with a plain silver ring on his right hand, spinning it around his finger again and again. Eventually he leaned against Rose and all but curled up in her lap. It might have been funny how a grown ass man like Frank clung to a delicate woman like her, but Ray felt like all humor had drained from him and left him utterly hollow. 

 

“How much do you know? I assume you did catch up on a few things over the years?”, Rose asked him and Ray tentatively scratched his chin before he began to tell his side of the story. “Well… as I said, I definitely know that you were more than best friends, but I had no idea how… serious it was at the time. I think I first suspected something around maybe… Warped 2005? And then you both had a few hickeys from time to time, especially after hotel nights. And… well… I kinda overheard you guys in a bathroom at Paramour Mansion? It was pretty obvious. But I never said anything, because it was none of my business and it didn’t seem to affect the band. Yeah… then you started acting weird and practically fought onstage, so I gave Gee a piece of my mind. He said something along the lines of you being upset because he was with Lyn-Z. I told him that he was an asshole for cheating on the both of you and that he had to get his shit together. After that he yelled at me that nobody had forced you to marry Jamia and that he would be with Lyn-Z and break up with you. He was so out of it, I thought that he had taken something, but there was nothing in his bunk or in his bag when I looked through it, so I let it go. And then the wedding. God, I’m still mad at him for that. I can’t believe he didn’t tell you until you had to find out from me! Seeing you completely devastated afterwards was all the confirmation I needed. There’s just one thing I don’t get. I mean, if you were more than friends with benefits, why the hell did you marry Jamia? Why didn’t you end it after your wedding? For fuck’s sake, why did you give in to him again?!”

 

Damn, that had been a long speech! Ray hadn’t even realized how much frustration he had accumulated over the years and it had all broken out of him in a rush of exasperation. He just really, really didn’t get it and that had given him more sleepless nights than he cared to admit. “I married Jamia because I wanted a family and he refused to come out and stand by me. But I still love him. I gave him another chance after the wedding, because I seriously thought that he was genuine when he swore that he would break up with Lyn-Z for me. But he put it off again and again. And when I finally couldn't take it anymore and told him so, he decided on her. Then she got pregnant and I thought that we were done for good”, Frankie explained in a very small voice. He sounded so broken and sad that Ray would have beaten the living daylights out of Gee if he had been present. God, he couldn’t believe him. It was silent after Frank’s confession, everybody was engrossed in their own thoughts. Ray was busy reproaching himself for not intervening back then. He should have fucking sat them down and forced them to talk it out! He could kick himself, what had he been thinking?! 

 

Eventually Rose murmured: “Well, seems like you’re informed pretty well already. In case you wondered… Gerard confessed his undying love to Frank when he was totally stoned in 2004. It went from there and they were a thing by the end of the year. Mikey knew pretty much from the beginning, but they tried to keep it a secret from everybody else. They got back together a few weeks after Frank’s wedding in February 2007 and James caught them in flagranti during the Black Parade Tour, only a few weeks after that. Then, later that year, Gerard hit it off with Lindsey during Projekt Revolution and Frank hated every second of it. He had wanted Gerard to come out for so long and then he went and got himself a girlfriend for everyone to see, who could kiss him in public and took up a lot of what little time they had to themselves, it really was a low shot. They fought about it, again and again, until it escalated onstage. Frank has always wanted Gerard, from the beginning, but that fucking coward has never been able to commit to him for real. I don’t know what made him marry Lyn-Z so quickly, but he ignored Frank for a year after that. The problem is that he hasn’t been faithful to Lindsey, either. After the break you guys took after the Black Parade, he came crawling back to Frank and eventually convinced him to give him yet another chance. They got back together and it went on until you started working on ‘Paper Kingdom’. That was when Frank told him that he was fed up with being his dirty little secret and that he should finally make a choice and stick with it. We all know how that ended. It’s how he always came back, begged for more and raised Frank’s hopes yet again, what makes this so hard. Frankie has never been enough for him, but the woman, who got to call him her own, wasn’t either.” 

 

Ray sighed heavily. God, he was too old for this shit, it nearly sounded like the script of a bad soap opera. How could he not have noticed!? They had to have been damn careful, he had honestly believed that they had gone back to being best friends after Gerard’s wedding. God, had he been blind! He would gladly rip Gee’s fucking head off, but he tried his best to tame his temper. “Can I hug you?”, he finally managed to say as soon as he had calmed down a bit. Frank looked at him with huge eyes and stammered: “B-But… but I thought you’d… you know… like… punch me in the face?” Ray nearly would have laughed at that, but sadly there was nothing even remotely funny about this situation. “I won’t. Not for that. You don’t choose who you love and Gee’s the immature asshole, who can’t get his priorities straight. I’m guessing that’s the reason he left the band, huh? Yeah, I thought so. Maybe we’d still be out there if you guys had come out and dated for real. We’d probably have less supporters and fans, but I think we’d be happier. All of us”, he said softly and carded a hand through Frank’s horribly tousled hair. 

 

His friend was crying again, his shoulders shaking with quiet sobs. “I was so terrified that you guys would hate me if you knew”, he ground out and wrapped his arms around himself. Ray sighed yet again. He did by far too much of that lately. In a way he could see why Frank would think that. God, now he understood why he had become so distant and retreated into himself so much! And the way Mikey had hardly ever spoken to him since the break up suddenly made sense, too. Yes, the relationship between their singer and their rhythm guitarist had cost them all dearly, but what was the point in bitching about it now? My Chem was done. They had bigger problems. Ray pressed his lips together and closed his eyes for a moment when it finally came crashing down on him what a close call this had been. He could have lost Frank today. And if it hadn’t been for Evan’s call and his presence in Rose’s house tonight, he wouldn’t even have known. Fuck, he really had to force himself off this track before it lead to another breakdown. Frankie needed him to be strong right now, so that was what he was gonna be. And if he would freak out the moment he got home, that was only for him to know. “Firstly: we all knew, we’re not fucking dumb, okay? At least James, Mikey and Bob. And secondly: last year I might have been mad at you, but by now I know how it feels to lose someone, whom you love so much that you simply can’t let go”, he said, although his voice became thinner and thinner towards the end. 

 

Frank let out a loud sob and finally threw himself into his arms. That was when his walls collapsed at last and he gave in to the tears, that had been threatening to choke him. They were sitting there, just two guys, who were so utterly broken by love and life and clinging to each other like they had nothing else left to hold onto. All the while Rose was there beside them, one of her warm hands resting on each of their backs, grounding them in their pain. Ray’s thinking was completely taken over by images of his wife and that made it so much worse. Christa’s smile when he woke up to her beautiful face. Her singing off-key to the radio while she was making pancakes in the morning. Her ordering him to go buy chocolate syrup and whipped cream in the middle of the night, too heavy with his child to do it herself. Her eyes shining with feeling when she told him that she loved him, nursing their newborn son for the very first time. God, it was too much, he couldn't take it! He completely lost track of time as he gave in to the excruciating pain in his heart and let himself shatter. All he could do was hold onto Frank, who was shaken by his own agony in his arms.

 

Eventually he felt like he could speak again, even though there was still a more than uncomfortable pressure in his chest and he could hardly see anything through the veil of his tears. “R-Rose, I… I’m so sorry. I’m trying really hard to open up to you and God knows, I really want to be with you, but I just can’t get those thoughts of Christa out of my head! I’m trying, but it just won’t work. I totally get it if I’m too broken or too taxing for you, it’s not like I understand what you even see in me in the first place”, he murmured dejectedly and hung his head. She had told him only yesterday why she wanted to be with him and it wasn’t like he had already forgotten her words (or her kiss, for that matter), he just  _still didn’t get it_ . At all. When he finally looked up again, Frank gave him a stern glare, his best ‘don’t-you-dare-fuck-with-me’ face, even though it was slightly less impressive with his swollen eyes and running nose. Rose, however, smiled sadly. She wrapped her arms around them both and hugged them to her chest. “There’s so much I see in you, more than I ever could have dreamed of. It’s okay. You’re getting there. No one demands that you push a clear key and make a one eighty or something. I can be very patient if it’s worth it. And you’re so worth it, Ray. Both of you are”, she whispered with her lips alternately pressing into their hair.

 

Somehow they managed to compose themselves after that. Frankie was still playing with his ring, but he seemed to have gotten it together, for now. Eventually they were joined by Evan and Jamia. Frank’s wife had made hot chocolate for all of them and Ray was beyond grateful for the hot, soothing liquid. Evan was still pissed off, but he controlled himself as best he could. His sister had also given him an ice pack for his hand and he really needed it, it was already bruising pretty badly. Rose nagged him until he promised her to go have an X-ray in the morning. Little by little, they managed to cheer Frank up a bit. His dogs were also assembling around him with Sweet Pea climbing into his lap and licking all over his face. Trust the old lady to cheer up her master. Eventually they said their goodbyes and he drove them back to Rose’s house, where he collapsed onto the sofa while she poured them each a drink. A big one. “Thank you”, he murmured as they clinked glasses and downed the liquid in one go. It was vodka, and a strong one at that, it burned like a bitch. 

 

“How often have you done that before?”, Ray asked her eventually, playing with his empty glass and bracing himself for the answer. He didn’t even know whether he really wanted one. “Talk him out of… something like that? Never. It has never been this bad before. He has had suicidal thoughts in the past, but he never actually wanted to go through with it. I should have admitted him, but you’ve heard his opinion on that. God, I really hope that he really feels better and that we’re gonna be enough to lift his spirits. He’s too stubborn for his own good. Seriously, if Gerard doesn’t get his shit together sometime soon, I don’t know how much longer he can hold on”, she whispered and looked about ready to cry again. Her lips were quivering and she squeezed her eyes shut to fight back the tears. Ray opened his arms for her and she cuddled up to his chest. “I could kill him”, he growled deep in his throat. That coaxed a shaky laugh out of Rose and she murmured: “Wait in line…” They sat huddled up together for a few minutes before she bit back a yawn and said: “I think we should go to bed, this was a fucking long day and I have to go to work in a few hours. Thank God Frankie’s one of my first patients tomorrow morning.” Ray couldn’t agree more, he had a throbbing headache and wanted nothing more than to pass out and stop thinking for a while. “Oh, you probably didn’t bring anything for staying over, did you?”, she asked him and bit he lips, her eyes huge and pleading. He smiled at her and admitted: “Well, I was kinda hoping that the evening would end with me sleeping here, even though I hadn’t expected it to happen like this. I have a bag in my car.” 

 

She smiled back and kissed his cheek before she got up and stretched until her spine popped. “Will you stay with me tonight? I have a guest room, of course, but I kinda… don’t wanna be alone right now”, she murmured sheepishly, her eyes fixed firmly on her hands. Ray felt himself relax a little. “Of course. I would definitely have nightmares if I slept alone. I’ll be right back”, he agreed readily and headed towards the front door in order to get his stuff. It wasn’t even a question, if she offered him her company for tonight, he wouldn’t dream of declining. Holding onto her warm body next to his was probably the only way for him to survive the night without another panic attack.

 

A few minutes later he was brushing his teeth in the bathroom. It was pretty small, but functional: a tub, a toilet and a sink, all in light colors and with a few abstract paintings on the walls. Ray finished his nightly routine, got into his pajamas and looked at himself in the mirror. He had shared a couch and a hotel bed with Rose, but somehow this felt different. It was her home. That made it even more intimate than an impersonal hotel room, it… meant something. Luckily he was too tired to brood over it and work himself up again. They were dating, for crying out loud, sleeping next to each other was perfectly normal! With a sigh he turned around and headed for the master bedroom. Ray put today’s clothes into his bag and hesitated for only a second before he slipped under the covers. Rose was already waiting for him. She grabbed his hand and pulled his arm over her body until they were spooning and she snuggled up to him. He sighed again, but this time it was an expression of content. She was warm and soft in his embrace and she smelled deliciously of Christmas mornings. He let himself be enclosed by her warmth and felt his eyelids drop when she came even closer and her behind pressed against his cock. 

 

That was when his eyes shot open and he had to bite back a moan. His penis stirred and tingled before it hardened in a matter of seconds. Fuck! Ray instinctively tried to pull back and hide it from Rose, but she whispered: “You know… I wouldn’t say no if you asked me.” Oh holy fucking shit, was she serious!? They couldn’t, it was too soon, they weren’t ready, but _God_ , did he want to! Ray desperately tried to keep the images at bay his mind hauled at him. He couldn't help but imagine how she would feel around him, what her moans would sound like and how her breasts would jiggle when he fucked her hard… Damnit, that wasn’t helping! He would _not_ give in to his primal urges, he was a grown man and could contain himself! “After what happened tonight, we both could use a bit of… letting loose”, Rose said quietly. Well, that was definitely true, he was still horribly tense and he still had a headache. An orgasm would definitely help with both, but he refused to take her up on her offer. His body wanted to fuck her senseless, but his head was on strike. He swallowed hard and tried to make his boner go down by sheer willpower, but there was no helping it. Just great. 

 

“I haven’t had sex in seven years, Ray. Seven years! I’ll admit that my inhibition threshold is pretty low, but I’d still want you if it wasn’t. To be honest I’ve wanted this long before we met properly. I’m very… physical when it comes to expressing affection”, she added, her tone becoming more and more pleading. A violent shudder jolted her body and she whimpered softly while she pressed her legs together, one of her hands inbetween. God, the fact that she was so fucking desperate only turned him on even more! Ray took a deep, shuddering breath. Yes, after the night they had had, he only wanted to feel alive, to forget and to sleep. His body needed it. Like, _really_ needed it. But… it became harder and harder to remember reasons why this was a bad idea. Slowly but surely his brain shut down and his mind became foggy. And the way Rose was writhing against him, brushing against his cock every now and then, wasn’t helping. “I don’t have a condom”, he finally managed to say, pretty impressed with himself for even bringing up protection after he hadn’t had to for so many years. He deliberately ignored how that sentence sounded like he was already surrendering. Which he totally wasn’t. 

 

“Me neither, but I’m on the pill and I swear that I’m clean. So if you are…”, she gasped inbetween her quick, shuddering breaths. By now she was rubbing against him on purpose and he just couldn’t _think_ anymore! His hand grabbed one of her tits on its own accord and he squeezed her supple flesh, his breath catching in his throat when she arched her back and pressed her hard nipple into his palm. Rose grabbed his other hand and shoved it between her legs where the evidence of her arousal had already seeped through her shorts. She had to be absolutely soaking wet. He moved his fingers over her clothed pussy and reveled in her positively pornographic moans when he finally gave her the friction she needed. “Please?”, she groaned breathlessly. Ray was long past the point of no return. “Yeah”, he whispered into her ear while his hands wandered under her shirt and explored her delicate skin. She pressed her ass against his cock and leaned into his touch, her heart racing underneath his fingertips. “I won’t last if you keep this up”, he warned her when the greedy movement of her hips had him on edge in no time. “Oh God, me neither!”, she replied and all but ripped her shirt off, her shorts following close behind. Ray barely had time to react and get his own shirt off when she pulled him between her legs and pushed his pajama pants down with her feet. His cock finally sprung free, swollen and red, already leaking precum. 

 

Rose wrapped herself around him, her heels dug into his buttocks and her fingernails into his back where she clung to him. Ray had nearly forgotten how it felt to be really, desperately wanted by a woman. That was the moment he let go of the last of his restraint and kissed her. It was a clash of tongues and teeth, wet, hot and frenzied. He couldn’t breathe, his head was spinning, it was utterly perfect. Suddenly a small hand grabbed his cock and pushed the tip through silky, wet folds until it was enclosed in the most delicious heat. Her legs tightened around him when she tried to pull him in and he just couldn’t help it, he’d had enough. Ray gave a hard thrust and cried out when his cock slid into her welcoming body. Her cunt was so fucking tight, it drove him mad in the very best way. He pressed forwards, forced his entire length into her wet hole and moaned deep in his throat when he was all the way in. God, it was fucking _glorious_! The musky scent of her arousal drove him wild, all he wanted was to take, to pounce, to seize! Rose whimpered beneath him, sweat glittering all over her face and between her breasts, her nipples a dark pink and her lips bitten raw. “Ooooh fuck… ngh, Raaaay! F-Fuck me already!”, she cried out and tightened her muscles around him until it was bordering on painful. 

 

Something inside him snapped and he pulled back before he started doing just that. He drilled into her tight heat, fucked her into the mattress, resting on his forearms and angling his hips so that he could go even deeper. She cried out in ecstasy and arched up to meet his thrusts, her eyes rolling back into her head and her thighs quivering. Her body was taut like a bowstring and her mouth opened in a silent scream. Ray already felt the familiar tightening in his groin, the burn that started deep in his loins and would boil over in a matter of moments. Suddenly Rose started to shake in his arms and let out a series of lewd moans, that rose in pitch until she held her breath and shattered. Her hoarse cry rang in his ears and her cunt pulsed around his cock in a way, that had him _right there_ in a matter of seconds. He came harder than he ever had before. Ray’s vision went white when his balls tightened and his body exploded in a wave of heat. He threw back his head and roared his release as he forced his cock as deep into Rose as it would go and surge after surge of hot cum burst out of him. Ray just couldn’t keep still and writhed helplessly, ground against her, rode it out. It was too much, he nearly passed out from the intensity of his orgasm and collapsed onto her sweat-slick body, out of breath and drained in every possible way. And then his world went black.

 

~~~

 

The next morning Ray awoke feeling better than he had in a very long time. He was lying in a comfortable bed, he was wonderfully warm and in his arm slept the beautiful woman he had… fucked yesterday night. For a moment it felt like he was falling when he finally realized what had happened. He carefully kept his eyes shut and to his own surprise managed to take a deep breath and actually think about it instead of instantly panicking. It was progress. Alright. So… he had slept with Rose last night and he had loved every second of it. Although ‘slept with her’ wasn’t quite accurate, ‘fucked her senseless’ was more like it. He hadn’t even taken a proper look at her, only let off steam and satisfied his lust. And God, had it felt good! Especially since the last time he had had sex with anyone but his right hand had been so long ago. Maybe like a year and a half? The pregnancy had been pretty hard on Christa, she hadn’t been in the mood and he hadn’t pushed. Not that their sex life had been very exciting to begin with, they had been a couple for such a long time, it had become routine at some point. 

 

Probably that was what vexed him the most. Last night might very well have been the best sex he had ever had, he honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had experienced such raw passion, such overwhelming desire. Ray was pretty sure that his brain had never short-circuited during sex before, until yesterday he hadn’t even known that that was even possible. So yeah, it had been mind-blowing. And exactly that was the problem. He felt horrible. Was it bad to relish it the way he had? Everybody told him that it was okay to move on, but what would Christa say if she knew? Technically he realized that she was gone, but it still felt like he had cheated on her. However, if it was alright to have a new relationship… didn’t sex kinda belong to that? God, he was so confused! This was taking him nowhere. In the end he reminded himself of all the times people had told him how great it was that he was moving on and that it was okay to do so. His mom, Louis, Frankie, James, Rose… They couldn’t all be wrong, could they? And if he repeated it often enough, he might actually believe them one day.

 

The sound of Rose’s alarm cut through the peaceful silence. ‘Infinite Dreams’, Iron Maiden. He really liked her sense of humor. If Ray hadn’t already been totally smitten with her, he definitely would be after that. God, he loved Maiden! “Good morning”, he murmured and was greeted by her sleepy eyes and her lazy smile. She didn’t turn off the alarm, so they listened to the entire song, looking into each other’s eyes, exchanging soft kisses and just breathing each other in. At some point Ray buried his nose in the crook of her neck and inhaled her sweet Christmas scent deep into his lungs. She felt safe. She felt like home. Her fingers threaded through his curls and massaged his scalp until he was putty in her hands and sighed contentedly against her slender throat. Iron Maiden, a beautiful woman beneath him and a head massage. It didn’t get better than this. However, as the song ended, ‘Baby’ by Justin Bieber started playing. Unngh, seriously?! Rose groaned indignantly and reached for her phone to turn it off. “What?! I gotta get up somehow, don’t I?”, she sighed tiredly as she scrambled out of bed and reached for the old Metallica shirt he had worn to bed yesterday. What a pity, Ray really would have loved to get a good look at her. Damn it, he should have paid more attention the night before! 

 

When he entered the living area after a quick shower, he was greeted by a heavenly smell. Rose was bustling about the kitchen, smiling at him and telling him to take a seat. Moments later she presented him with a mug of perfect coffee and a full American breakfast. There were fried eggs, bacon, pancakes, sausages, potatoes, fruit salad and toast with jam. And it tasted even better than it looked. Ray noticed how Rose shuddered and quietly smiled to herself every now and then. Apparently he had been quite thorough in his endeavors last night. By the way, he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She still wore his Metallica shirt, but hadn’t put on any shorts or anything, he could only guess whether she even wore panties underneath and those legs… Oh shit, he was already half hard again and couldn't help but stare at her nipples, that began to show through the black fabric. 

 

“Believe me, I’d love to ride you on that chair right now, but we don’t have time for that. And I shouldn’t do it anyway, because I won’t be able to sit today if we repeat what happened tonight”, Rose said casually and deliberately bit into her sausage, her heated, unwavering gaze meeting his. Oh fuck, Ray had a feeling that his sex life was about to take a drastic turn for the better. He could help neither the wide grin nor the faint blush, that spread across his face. “It was incredible, by the way”, she added sincerely and fidgeted in her chair. He couldn't agree more. “That it was”, he murmured sheepishly and felt his (by now fully erect) cock twitch. “How do you feel about it? I mean… I pretty much _raided_ you, I really hope that you’re not too upset about it”, she said and bit her lower lip. Jesus, that sight was enough to send a fresh wave of heat rushing to Ray’s cock. “Actually, I don’t know. It’s weird, but I’m alright”, he replied hesitantly. He still had quite a bit of figuring out to do. “Really?”, she inquired gently. He smiled at that, it was good to know that she cared enough to not buy everything he said at face value. “Yeah. And I promise to tell you when I freak out”, he repeated and earned himself a tender smile and a kiss.

 

About twenty minutes later he had taken care of the dishes and put everything back in order while Rose hit the shower. She descended the stairs, absolutely fabulous in a tight black skirt and a red satin blouse. Her hair and make up kinda gave him 50s vibes, she looked really classy, as always. “Uhmm… I’m gonna knock off earlier today, because there’s some construction work going on in the practice. So… would you like to come over with Tony? We could make some Christmas cookies? And you could both stay over this time?”, she proposed with a shy smile. “Definitely, that’s a great idea. I haven’t done any Christmassy stuff with him this year, it’s high time”, he agreed and felt his stomach flutter at the prospect of seeing her again in only a few hours. “Alright then, I should be home around half past three, just come by when you’ve picked him up from school, okay?”, Rose said while they made for the front door. Ray helped her into her leather coat and sighed wistfully when they finally faced each other to say goodbye on the front porch. “Seven hours”, he murmured and was rewarded with her beaming smile. “Oh, you’re gonna survive”, she giggled in reply and wrapped her arms around his neck before she kissed him. He moaned against her delicious lips and met her tongue for the briefest moment. 

 

Ray spent the day Christmas shopping, something he had put dangerously far off, picked up Tony and was back at Rose’s house in record time. He sighed in relief when he finally enclosed her in his arms again and buried his face in the crook of her neck. God, it had only been a few hours, but to him it seemed like an eternity. However, her warm embrace was short-lived, since Tony clutched to his leg and exclaimed: “Daaaaaad, that’s unfair! Want a cuddle, too!” Oh dear… Rose chuckled at that and kneeled down in order to hug his little mischief-maker. They eventually made it to the living room and had a cup of coffee and hot chocolate respectively. Elvis’ Christmas album was playing and all around the room Christmas lights and candles were lit. When they proceeded into the kitchen in order to get started, Rose handed them each an apron, a batman style for Tony and a black one with “dinner is coming” and the Stark direwolf printed on it for him. Oh, he loved those occasional fits of nerdiness! She had already prepared some dough, so that they only had to cut the cookies. Tony was hooked, Rose was really distracting, Ray was captivated and the kitchen was in shambles once they were done. Tony had gotten the molten chocolate they had used for decorating all over himself and Ray was immensely grateful for the change of clothes he had packed for the little guy. It was a blast, it felt so natural, like family time. Rose quickly made them pasta for dinner and they got Tony into bed around eight, for once even on time.

 

Afterwards they sat together in the living room and Ray clinked his beer bottle to her glass of red wine. “That was fun, thank you so much for this afternoon, I really doubt that anything I could have baked with him on our own would have been edible”, he said with a chuckle and reveled in her shy smile. “Oh come on, you’re a really good cook, don’t sell yourself short. And it was great having you guys here, baking on my own isn’t half as much fun”, she replied and cuddled up a little closer to his side. Ray bit his lip and pondered his next words for a while, but eventually he took a deep breath and just went for it. “Would you like to celebrate Christmas with us this year? You could come and stay with us for a few days and we could visit my parents together on Christmas Day?”, he proposed hopefully. Her broad grin made his heart beat faster and her soft lips on his had him sigh contentedly. “I would love to. Usually I simply hole myself up with a few good books and an irresponsible amount of eggnog. Frankie invited me this year, but I’m sure he’ll understand if I back out, I can’t wait to have an actual family Christmas again”, she replied eagerly. Ray’s heart ached for her. He couldn't imagine being on his own during this particular holiday. That had to be terribly lonely, all the more reason to have her join them. His mom would be over the moon, let alone Tony. 

 

A good two hours later they went to bed and Ray couldn't help the tingle of anticipation in the pit of his stomach. He still didn’t know whether it was a good idea to have sex with Rose again, but, oh God, did he want to! He had thought before that she had somehow awoken him from hibernation and it proved true when it came to his libido, as well. His cock was already half-hard and would need very little convincing until it would be ready for action. When he entered the bedroom, she was awaiting him by the window, wearing nothing but a shiny silk nightgown. It was short, barely covering her ass and even though it was a very innocent cream color and didn’t have any fancy lace stuff or anything on it… daaaaamn! She turned around to face him and bit her lower lip, her eyes hungry and dark. Ray snapped out of his awestruck gaping and slowly walked to wards her, drawn like moths to a flame. Rose pinched his pecs with both hands as soon as he came within reach and purred: “I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but you’re even hotter with those muscles.” His hands found her silk-clad waist and his thumbs rubbed small circles underneath her breasts. Fuck overthinking, fuck reason, he knew perfectly well what as gonna happen and he was gonna enjoy it to the fullest. 

 

“ Can I see you?”, he whispered while he trailed butterfly kisses along her jaw and proceeded to nibble on her earlobe, pulling her flush against his chest. She moaned quietly and nodded while her hands slipped underneath his shirt and trailed upwards, bunching up the fabric. Ray took a step back to pull it off and throw it to the side. He couldn’t even blink before she pounced on him again and pressed hot, open-mouthed kisses to his chest. Her wicked lips closed around his nipple, he threw back his head and groaned deep in his throat when she sucked. Hard. “Shit, Rose!”, he ground out between gritted teeth, one of his hands grabbing her hair and holding her close while the other found her firm ass and squeezed. His hips rolled against her warm body, his cock throbbing with need and his breath accelerating. Ray only realized that she had gotten rid of his pants and boxers when both pooled around his ankles. Well, she was definitely determined, but he wasn’t gonna complain as long as she got rid of superfluous textiles. He kicked his last garments aside and held his breath when she slipped the straps of her gown over her shoulders and let it slide down. 

 

Ray couldn't help but stare. She was… he didn’t have words to describe what he felt when he took in her gloriously naked body. She was slender, but with curves in all the right places. Her breasts were small, but firm, they didn’t sag one bit and were tipped with delicious pink nipples. She had a flat belly, a narrow waist and her hips were gently rounded, just like those yoga girls all over the Internet, who always seemed too good to be true. Her skin was creamy and all but flawless, only a thin white line across her lower abdomen caught his eye. Apparently her daughter had been born by C-section. In his opinion it made her only more beautiful, a tangible reminder of her past, of everything she had gone through and battled. And just a few inches below… Ray’s breath caught in his throat. She was completely clean-shaven, he could actually _see_ how aroused she was, because she was _wet_. Wet as in her juices coating her nether lips and smearing over her thighs. He could already smell her, tangy and sweet, it made his head swim and his cock throb. It took an inhuman effort to tear his eyes away from where he desperately wanted to be and look into her eyes again. 

 

Except that she was quite… focused on his lower regions, as well. “Holy shit, you’re _big_!”, she whispered in awe and Ray felt himself blush bright red, something he hadn’t thought possible since at least 90% of his blood had gathered in his cock and it was actually starting to hurt. He knew that he was more than well-endowed, to the point of him having to hold back so as to avoid hurting his partner. “Put that cock inside me. Now!”, Rose demanded, turned around and kneeled on the bed. Ray’s jaw hit the floor when she arched her back and he had a spectacular view of her dripping pussy. Fuck, there was no way he could say no to that, not that he wanted to. It took him only a split second to close the distance, grab her hips and line himself up with his other hand. “Are you sure?”, he asked her through gritted teeth, praying that she wouldn’t back out now. “I swear to Goooooooh fuuuuuuck!”, she hissed, but was interrupted by her own moan when Ray pressed forwards and penetrated her tortuously slowly. He clenched his jaw and held his breath, but he managed to keep his eyes open and watch himself sink into her, even though his knees nearly gave out with pleasure and his heart was racing in his chest. _Fuck_ , she was tight! It was overwhelming, he barely managed to resist slamming all the way in right away, but he remembered just in time that that was probably a bad idea considering his size. 

 

“Oh God, Ray, hnnnnngh, f-fuck me, _please_!”, she whined beneath him and clenched her inner muscles hard enough to make him yelp in surprise. Then he was all the way in and pressed his hips against her tasty ass. Oh, she took him so well! Actually he wanted to give her a minute to adjust, but she wriggled against him and gyrated her hips in a way that had him claw for her hips and bite back a scream. “Do it, come on, I’m not gonna break. Wanna feel it all day tomorrow, don’t hold back, give it to me...”, she coaxed him in a throaty voice. Fuck, Ray was only human after all. He pulled back and thrust a little harder than he normally would have. “Oooooh yeah, more! _Harder_!”, she spurred him on and he bared his teeth before he slammed his cock in at full force. Rose let out a cry of pure ecstasy and writhed beneath him, totally gone already. Ok, that was fucking _it_. Ray clamped both hands around her slim waist and finally let himself go. He rammed his rock hard penis into her, chasing his pleasure, throwing caution to the wind. He couldn’t remember the last time he had let this animalistic side of him come through, but there was no stopping it once he had unleashed the beast inside. Ray fucked her like there was no tomorrow, slamming into her cunt again and again, faster, harder, deeper. She was at his mercy, there was nowhere for her to go, his hands pinned her in place, all she could do was take it. He couldn't deny how much that turned him on.

 

Rose moaned and squealed beneath him, driving him insane with the noises she made. No matter how rough he was with her, she seemed to like it and pushed back against him relentlessly. All to soon he felt the telltale heat pool low in his belly and his muscles tighten. Ray fought for only a few seconds more, God, he wanted this to last! That was when Rose moaned: “Hit me! Slap me, please, I’ve been such a bad girl!” Oh, fuck! Ray’s cock was already swelling and twitching, he was _right there_ when he raised his hand and brought it down onto her jiggling ass as hard as he dared. The slap echoed around the room, incredibly loud in his ears and he watched a red hand print form on her pale skin, holding his breath, hypnotized. As soon as he smacked her buttocks, Rose arched her back, threw back her head and screamed at the top of her lungs as she came around him. Her quivering walls clamped down on him and held him in a vice-like grip, milking him for all he was worth. 

 

That was about as much as he could take. Ray whimpered and cursed as he forced himself inside her pulsing cunt and just let go. He pressed his cock into her pussy and came his fucking brains out. Wave after wave of blinding ecstasy crashed over him and coaxed sounds out of his throat, that seemed barely human, but he couldn't care less. His blood was boiling in his veins, he was on fire and shot his load into her willing body. He was trembling all over and finally collapsed next to her onto the bed, still twitching with aftershocks. They laid beside each other, panting, sweating and exhausted. It took Ray quite a few minutes to calm down and control his rapid breathing. Damn, he had never done anything like this before. Up until now his sexual experiences had been quite vanilla, he had never gotten beyond naughty lingerie. So that had been the first time he had hit a woman. Ray never would have thought that he would get off on it, but he would do it again in a heartbeat. He had a feeling that Rose would broaden his mind far beyond what was deemed appropriate, but then again… he had never given a shit about what was socially acceptable or not.


	7. Sugar, We’re Going Down

The next day, after dropping Tony off at school, Ray stood outside a familiar house, took a deep breath and carefully composed his face before ringing the bell. He would not let him see how worried he was about him or even worse – show him any kind of pity. “Hey Frankie”, he murmured as soon as the door opened and awkwardly shifted the weight of his Les Paul in his hand. “Uhmm… I don’t know whether you’re busy, but I thought we could like… jam a bit?”, he proposed and was immediately enveloped in a tight hug. “God, yes, please! Jamia’s out shopping and the kids are at school. She hasn’t let me out of her eyes, ever since you guys left the other night, this is the first time that I’m on my own and I had to swear to her that I would call her when I feel that bad again. I’m having fucking cabin fever!”, his friend exclaimed with a relieved sigh. Ray silently congratulated himself on his spontaneous idea to check up on him. They got comfortable in the living room with a few cans of soda and a bowl of wasabi peas (no surprise there). Frank picked up one of his Phantomatics from his home studio and they each plugged into one of the two VOX amps next to the couch. Damn, he hadn’t played through one of those in forever! They were covered in bright colors with a big “BOOM” in the middle, relics of their last tours. However, before they were even done tuning, Frank said casually: “Something’s changed, man.” Huh? Ray had no clue what he was talking about.

 

“Ooooooh, I got it, did you sleep with Rosie?”, his friend pried further, a wicked glint in his eyes. Oh. That. Ray felt his cheeks heat up. Frank grinned at him like a madman. “So obvious?”, he murmured sheepishly and made a big show of rummaging in his bag for a pick. “Nah, but I’ve known you forever and face it, Toro, you don’t have a poker face for shit.” Ray groaned at that and rolled his eyes when Frankie erupted into a fit of giggles. “It’s alright, I don’t want any details and you wouldn’t tell me anyway, I know that you don’t talk about your sex life. And besides that – she’s like a sister, that’s just weird, but I’m happy for you, man. Really”, his friend said sincerely and Ray breathed a sigh of relief. Frank’s blessing meant a hell of a lot to him, after all the two were like siblings in all but blood. They spent about an hour playing some random stuff, Misfits, Black Flag, Smashing Pumpkins. When Ray’s fingertips demanded a break, he set his guitar aside and asked his friend to play him one of his own songs. Frank shrugged and began ‘BFF’. Ray grit his teeth. With everything his friend had told him two days ago and the way they had grown apart over the last year, that song was even harder to listen to than it had been before. 

 

Best friends forever  
Best friends forever  
Best friends forever  
But not now

  
We've always been such  
Best friends forever  
Best friends forever  
Best friends forever  
But not now  
  
I don't know what I did or what I said made you cry  
I wish that I could take all of the pain from your eyes  
  
Cause things just don't seem right  
When you're not by my side

 

It was quiet when Frank finished the last line. Ray let out a long breath through his nose. “I don’t know how I’m gonna face him ever again without punching him”, he sighed and shook his head. Frank snorted wearily. “I’d love to see that, try to film it”, he quipped and once again rummaged through the wasabi peas. Speaking of Gerard… “Have you played any of… _our_ songs since, you know, the break up?”, Ray asked his friend, who quietly shook his head. He swallowed and wiped a few fingerprints off his Les Paul with the sleeve of his hoodie. “W-Wanna try? I mean… I haven’t ever since…” He gritted his teeth, but forced himself to say it: “Since Christa… died. Just… too many memories, you know? But denying my problems won’t solve them, I’ve learned that much by now. I just thought, maybe it kinda helps? And there’s no one I’d rather try it with”, he finally managed to get out, fiddling with the tone controls of his guitar. Frank didn’t say anything for a few long seconds. “Alright then… which one?”, he finally answered and Ray was eternally grateful that he didn’t ask any other questions. He only shrugged his shoulders, he really didn’t care. Well, maybe not ‘Cancer’ of all things. “‘I’m Not Okay’? Matches both of us so nicely”, Frank proposed with a hint of gallows humor. Yeah, why not, it was as good as any other song.

 

Ray took a deep breath and started playing the intro. As always it felt weird when Frank joined him, but Mikey’s bass and the drums were missing. It sounded kinda naked, only a shadow of what it could be, but somehow it was easier this way. None of them made an attempt at singing and that was probably for the better, it would only make it even weirder. However, Ray was pleasantly surprised that his muscle memory was intact. His fingers were still a little stiff, but found the chords effortlessly, sliding over the fretboard without even thinking about it. He had been right, it did help somehow, at least the knowledge that he still could do it, even after all this time. But it made him miss James, Jarrod, Mikey and Gerard even more. Speaking of which… “Can I ask you whether Gee called again? Or did he text you or anything? Just if you want to tell me, of course”, he said after they had finished the song. Frank sighed and put his guitar down. He rubbed his face with both hands and took a deep breath before replying: “No. He didn’t. It’s always like that, he calls me up whenever he wants something from me and then there’s radio silence until the next time. Apparently he doesn’t give a shit about what that does to me. And the group chat doesn’t count, I mean, there are so many people in there and we only talk about random shit.”

 

Ray shook his head. He had expected as much. “You still in contact with Mikey?”, he tried to change the topic without being to obvious about it. “Kind of. More than with Gee, we text every now and then, but… you know how strange he’s acted around me ever since the break up. It’s like he was blaming me and I don’t get it, I mean… it’s not my fucking fault that his brother can’t get his shit together, what did I ever do to him?”, Frank blurted out and angrily punched a pillow. Well, Ray would probably be pretty pissed, too, if he was in his shoes. The last time he had seen Mikey had been around Christmas last year, when he had moved back home to Jersey and the younger Way had helped with that. As far as he knew, he had stayed in L.A. since then, because he had become a father in May and understandably hadn’t wanted to travel with Kristin in the late months off her pregnancy or with his daughter while she was still so young. “I think they’re coming home for Christmas, Donna and Don are getting a little too old to fly to California so often”, Frank told him after he had spend a while brooding in silence. Huh. Good to know. Ray really didn’t know whether he wanted to see the Way brothers or not. This whole mess was fucking with his head, he had no idea what to think anymore. And even though he didn’t know Gee’s version of the story, he kinda sided with Frank already. 

 

“Look, Frankie… I’m really sorry that I haven’t been there for you for so long. I just didn’t want to see anybody, because wherever I went and whatever I did, it reminded me of Christa and I couldn’t take it. And I still have problems with that, I can’t get up in the morning, I have no motivation for anything, I don’t get anything done! All I wanna do is lie in bed all day and not see or do anything. And most of all – I can’t stand people pitying me and asking how I am, especially those who only ‘mean well’, that’s why I pushed everybody away until they let me in peace. Then I realized how lonely I had become and that made me feel even worse. Rose kinda pulled me out of that, but I still have to force myself to go out and meet up with people, even on Sundays for family lunch”, he tried to explain. Ray still felt incredibly guilty whenever he thought of everything Frankie had gone through. “It’s okay, Ray, I promise. Believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve had such a crisis after Gee’s wedding and I broke down completely after the tour was done. But Jamia and Evan kicked my ass and James dragged me into the studio and forced me to put what I felt into music. The same thing happened after our last tour. Leathermøuth and Death Spells were therapy, the only therapy I could accept at the time. It helped, somehow. I can’t even tell you how glad I am that James helped me back on my feet again and again. He’s like a lifeline, I really don’t know where I would be without him. Jamia and Evan too, I just wish I had gone to Rose a lot earlier. Maybe I wouldn’t be so fucked up if I had known her back then”, his friend replied softly and Ray couldn’t help but mentally kick himself for not realizing how much Frankie had suffered. He was a shitty friend, how could he have been so blind?!

 

“Speaking of Jamia… how does she, you know, deal with everything? I was really surprised that she seemed to be… pretty well informed”, Ray stated carefully and watched anxiously how Frank’s eyes glazed over. “She’s too good for me. I confessed to her that I had cheated on her with Gee. That was in 2007, after ProRev. We hadn’t even been married for a year. She nearly would have filed for divorce back then. Evan punched me in the face and kicked me in the balls. Afterwards he forced me to tell them the entire story. It took them a while to come to terms with it, but in the end Jam decided that she still loved me and wanted to stay with me. She said that she would take what she could get and that she only wanted me to be happy. Since that day I’ve told her everything. The hardest fucking thing I ever had to do in my life was admitting to her that I had slept with him again after the break. She stayed with me, _knowing_ that I was with him and would leave her for him if only he would have wanted me. Well, he never did. I have no fucking idea how she put up with all my shit, but I do know that I don’t deserve her. She’s… she deserves so much more than I can give her”, Frank explained, barely able to hold back his tears. Ray could hardly make out his last words, because his voice cracked so badly and he was only whispering towards the end, desperately trying to keep his composure. Oh, dear… He didn’t know how to handle such a confession, so he went with his gut and hugged Frankie as tightly as he could. 

 

~~~

 

The next evening Ray jumped up from the couch when the doorbell rang. Rose had called him like two hours ago and told him she would be late today, because one of her patients was suicidal and she wanted to take care of him until he was safely checked into hospital. She had said that it could take half an hour or all night, therefore he was relieved that she was here already. However, when he opened the door with a fond smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, he froze and stared incredulously at the sad figure in front of him. Gerard. He looked like death warmed over. His clothes really needed a wash and he himself even more so. Greasy, long, brown hair hung limply around his pale face, the first streaks of gray shining through around his temples. The unkempt beard wasn’t in much better shape and his nails were bitten down to the beds where he clutched his hands around the lapels of his ratty green jacket. He was pale and judging by the dark circles around his eyes he hadn’t slept well in a while. Damn, Ray hadn’t seen him anywhere near this miserable and worn out since the break up. However, he still didn’t say anything. There was this mental image of Frank crying in Rose’s arms while Evan threw away his razor and he couldn’t get rid of it. Ray was torn. One part of his mind wanted nothing more than to kick Gerard in the balls and yell at him until his lungs gave out. But the other, more rational part told him to at least listen to his side of the story. Wasn’t Gee his friend, as well? Didn’t he owe just as much support to him as he did to Frank? 

 

“Uhmm… hi… can I come in?”, Gerard murmured after a few beats of tense, awkward silence. Ray sighed and forced himself to step aside and let him in. Jesus, he was too old for this shit. Or too sober. Or both. They sat down in the living room and Ray handed his guest a can of soda. At least Tony was already in bed, he was pretty sure that he was gonna explode at some point and he really didn’t want his son to witness that. Actually Ray was a chill dude, who was always friendly and polite, most people thought that he couldn’t hurt a fly. And yes, he could take a fucking lot, but when it came to his family (or really close friends) being hurt and he did blow up, he could turn into a literal devil. “What do you want?”, he managed to ask in a somewhat neutral voice, even though his blood was already simmering with rage. Ray thought of the void in Frankie’s eyes and his forced smiles, that were always a tad too wide to be real. Actually he wanted to be impartial, but there was no way he was gonna manage that. So he balled his fists and prayed that he would be able to reign in his temper. 

 

“Dude, what’s wrong?”, Gerard asked him with a frown and that was all it took. That innocent question, the proof that Gee had absolutely no clue what was actually going on in both his and Frank’s lives triggered Ray so much that he could practically feel his fury boiling over. “ _What’s wrong?_ I’m gonna tell you what’s fucking wrong! A few days ago I got to watch one of my best friends lock himself into his bathroom with a razor, because a fucking bastard I had considered my brother and a good guy can’t get his shit together! I wouldn’t even have noticed if I hadn’t by chance spent the evening with Frank’s best friend. You don’t know her, but he would have killed himself because of you if it wasn’t for her!”, he yelled and sprang to his feet before he started to pace up and down the room in order to control himself, his fists clenched tightly by his sides. A small voice in the back of his mind whispered that this might not have been a good idea. He was one of only four people, who were in on Frank’s problems, but he couldn’t have kept his mouth shut by any means. God, hopefully Frankie wouldn’t hate him for what he had done!

 

All blood drained from Gerard’s face and he started to tremble, both hands pressed against his lips. His huge eyes were filled with horror, disbelief and tears and he shook his head again and again, as if that would help. A tiny, choked whimper. Frantic whispers of “no” and “please”. And then he started to cry. Ray had never seen him like this. Frankie, yes, twice already, thank you very much. But never Gerard. Not even when he had hit rock bottom in 2004. It hurt to watch, but hearing it was even worse. Gee’s violent sobs came so frequently, that Ray knew just by listening that he couldn’t breathe. This looked frighteningly close to a panic attack. He felt some of his rage melt away when he took in the picture of misery on his couch. With a sigh he collapsed onto the armrest next to Gerard and placed one of his hands on his shoulder. “Come on, breathe. Do me a favor and don’t pass out on me”, he murmured softly, quite a bit friendlier than before. It took his friend a good ten minutes to calm down. God, this was too much drama for the quiet Thursday night Ray had had in mind for today! Eventually Gee’s breathing evened out a little and his lips weren’t tinged blue any longer. 

 

At this point there was only one thing Ray wanted to know. “ _Why_ , Gerard?”, he asked quietly, but his friend didn’t answer. “He doesn’t deserve any of this. Why did you treat him like that?! And Lindsey? God, Gee, he would have broken up with Jamia for you in a heartbeat! But he never did because he’s never been enough for you! _Why_ , for fuck’s sake!?”, he said a little louder and Gerard flinched next to him. Good. “I was scared. And I wanted a family”, his friend whispered after what felt like an eternity of silence. Yeah, for sure. “Honestly, Gee? That’s not enough to justify how you broke his heart. I’ve seen him only a few times since the end of the band, because we lived in L.A. at first and then… you can probably imagine what a year I’ve had. But like a week ago he and James came over and we’ve met more often since then. I hardly recognize him. What the hell did you do to our hyperactive, bubbly, cuddly Frankie? You know, that guy, who used to climb all over us, stole our clothes because he was freezing all the time, shredded his guitar upside down and always managed to make us laugh until we cried?”, Ray replied wearily. If only Gerard had had a reason for what he had done. But this? This was bullshit and Gee better knew it, too. 

 

The doorbell interrupted them and Ray felt his shoulders sag in relief. Rose. God, she was exactly what he needed right now! It didn’t even take him ten seconds to run to the door, yank it open and press her to his chest. “Wooooow, what happened? Also, I kinda need to breathe”, she said in a slightly strangled voice, that made him ease his death grip on her. “Sorry. It’s just that… Gee’s here. And I might have… lost it a little and told him what Frank tried to do on Monday”, he confessed to her and hid his face in the crook of her neck. Fuck, he was such a shitty friend, no wonder that Frankie hadn’t told him on his own accord, but only after he had kinda accidentally stumbled over the secret. “Ooooooh, thank God for that! He made me swear that I’d never tell a soul. Believe me, if I had had my way, we would have confronted Gerard right away! Problems don’t solve themselves, Frank’s never gonna get over it if he avoids him forever and bemoans the loss of what they had”, Rose sighed and hugged him back just as tightly. Her approval really took a great load off Ray’s mind, but he still had a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach when he thought about Frank’s reaction to what he had done. He couldn't take it back, though. When he eventually started to shiver in the cold December air, he finally closed the door behind them and helped Rose out of her coat. Today she wore a ruffled gray skirt, a pristine white shirt and a black belt. Simple, yet elegant. Damn, Ray had never paid so much attention to a woman’s clothes before! Old dogs and new tricks… 

 

When they entered the living room, he said: “Well, you know who he is. Gee, meet Rose, my girlfriend.” Gerard looked up and wiped his eyes, but he was a mess anyway, there was no helping it. Rose sighed quietly. “You know, if I hadn’t just lost a patient, who shot herself as soon as the ambulance arrived at her house while I was trying to talk her out of it, I would probably kill you. But luckily for you I’m totally done for today”, she stated with tired eyes and a look of pure exhaustion on her face. Ray settled down in his armchair and pulled her into his lap, where she rested her temple against his shoulder, pulled up her feet and sighed gratefully. He could only admire her strength and ask himself where the hell she took it from. Gerard’s face was a mask of confusion, incomprehension and a bit intimidation. “I’m Franks psychotherapist. He’s my best fucking friend and I would die for him. Yeah. You used to say that to each other in front of thousands of people. Think long and hard why you decided to put that on the line”, she explained quietly. Ouch. That had been a low blow, but Gee fucking deserved it. The only result were more tears and quiet sobs from his friend. A part of Ray really started to feel sorry for him, but it wasn’t too big, to be honest.

 

“You still haven’t told me why you’re here”, he said after a while. Gerard wiped his nose on his sleeve and sighed heavily. “I actually wanted to ask you for a favor, but I see that I’m not welcome”, he murmured and resolutely stared at his bitten fingernails. Yeah, sure. Ray really wasn’t in the mood for that. Not after everything that had happened this week. And Gee didn’t even have any kind of explanation why he had done it! “Do you even understand how serious he was about your relationship?”, he ground out angrily as his temper flared up again. Gerard shrugged his shoulders. _Seriously_ , that was all he had to say to that?! But eventually he whispered: “When I finally realized it, I… I panicked. A week later he was engaged and I was so fucking confused that it took me far too long to do something about it.” Huh. Great. Another load of bullshit. Finding excuses had always been Gee’s strength. 

 

“You’re a fucking moron, Gerard Way. I can only hope that your marriage is picture perfect and that you’re unconditionally happy with your wife, because otherwise that makes what you did to Frank ten times worse. Remember the day he asked you whether you could imagine to marry him someday? You said: ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Frank, as if that’s ever gonna happen, we could never keep _that_ a secret!’ Well, he actually wanted to hear something else from you then. He would have proposed to _you_ instead of Jamia if only you would have wanted him”, Rose growled dangerously quiet. Ray nearly would have roared with rage, only the fact that Rose was sitting in his lap prevented him from punching Gee in the face. She couldn’t be serious! Gerard, however, stared at her with eyes as wide as saucers and then he just… shattered. He collapsed onto the couch as an agonized scream tore out of his chest and cried into a pillow. They watched him for a few minutes. Eventually Ray felt his bad conscience creep up on him. Gerard had fucked up big time, no doubt about that, but seeing him like this… What if they had just delivered the final blow to _him_? He had never been a very stable person, Ray didn’t even know whether he was still on anti-depressants. Suddenly a cold feeling of dread pooled in his stomach. Frank would kill them both if Gerard… he had been suicidal before, God damnit! And if Gee should go through with it this time … Frankie would follow him, he just knew it. He would have lost them both. And there was no telling how Mikey would take that. Oh shit, what had he done?!

 

But before he could freak out, Rose got up, sat down next to Gerard and carefully petted his hair. Okay, that was a bit disgusting, he would make him shower as soon as possible, but for now Ray decided to follow his girlfriend’s example. He joined them on the couch and pulled his friend into a stiff and slightly awkward hug. That made him cry even harder. Gee clung to him like to a lifeline and practically melted against his chest. Ray sighed wearily and relaxed. If Gerard needed a shoulder to cry on, fine, he could give him that. “You said you wanted to ask me for a favor?”, he finally said when his friend had calmed down a little. “Y-Yeah… I… wanted to know w-whether I could… crash on your couch for a few days”, Gee stuttered and tensed up as soon as it was out. “What? _Why?_ It’s Christmas, why don’t you want to be with your family?”, Ray blurted out incredulously. Whatever he had been expecting, it definitely wasn’t that! Gerard sighed as well and buried his face even deeper in Ray’s jumper. 

 

“Frankie told me that he would give us another chance if I filed for divorce… so I did. Got the papers only a few hours after the call. Lyn-Z signed them, I sent them to my lawyer before I left. Then I packed my stuff and piled it into Mikey’s garage. I’ve stayed with him and Kristin after that. And now… they are at my parent’s house, but so many people and the little one all at once… I couldn't handle that. My mom just won’t get that I ended it for good. I mean, I can’t even tell her why as long as I don’t know how Frank’s gonna take the news. After everything you guys just told me, I’m not even sure whether he still wants me. Mom keeps nagging me about working it out with Lyn-Z, but I can’t. And I don’t want to. Things aren’t how they used to be. Lindsey said that she didn't love me anymore, because I would let myself go so much and lived in the past. I mean… yeah, she’s right, but… anyway, I’ve known for years that I never should have picked her over Frankie. I was such an idiot, I never should have married her. We didn’t fight over the divorce or anything, but I have a feeling that she’s just been waiting for me to take the first step”, Gerard explained almost shyly. Wow. Ray couldn't believe it and fought the urge to pinch himself. 

 

Rose sighed quietly and for the first time since she had entered his house, a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. But then she cupped Gee’s cheeks and gently turned his head towards her. “Look me in the eye and tell me whether you’re gonna chicken out again or whether you’re gonna be sincere this time when you tell him that you loved him”, she demanded to know. Gerard swallowed hard. She was staring him down, her fierce gaze a promise for all hell to break loose if his friend answered with one of his bullshit excuses again. “I’ve always loved him. Always. I married Lindsey _knowing_ that I’d never lover her like that. But he was married to Jamia and I wanted that, too. Someone to belong to. Lyn-Z told me to choose. I chose her. I shouldn’t have. I’m so fucking sorry! All I want is him, if he’ll have me… I just want to turn back time and change things. I want him back. And I want our band back! I’ll do whatever it takes… just… I hope he’s gonna forgive me”, his friend managed to reply. Apparently that had been the right thing to say, because Rose smiled at him, nodded and hugged him to her chest. Ray literally felt the suffocating tension drain from the room. He wrapped his arms around both of them and murmured: “Of course you can stay. I’ve got a guest room, that won’t be a problem.” Gerard’s shoulders sagged with relief as he whispered: “Thanks man, that means a lot to me. I owe you.” That was a fucking understatement.

 

A few minutes later they sat together in the kitchen and shared the rest of the mac ’n’ cheese Tony had insisted on for dinner today. Ray could tell that Gerard had something on the mind and didn’t quite know how to word it. “Come on, spill already”, he said after a while and his friend smiled sheepishly. It was kinda creepy that they hadn’t seen each other for so long, but were still able to read one another like open books. “You know… I was just thinking… what if we tried again? Do you think there’s still a chance for My Chem? And would you be on board with it?”, Gee asked him hesitantly and bit his bottom lip to stop the excited ramble Ray would have expected at this point. He sighed heavily. Every fiber of his body wanted to yell ‘Fuck, yes!’ at the top of his lungs, but he had long since learned that things weren’t that easy. He had to think of Tony, of his family, Rose, so many things, but it all came down to the fact that it would literally kill him to decline and see anybody else take his place.

 

“Well… only if Mikes, James and Frankie come back, as well. And only if we won’t tour so much. My son...”, he started to explain, but Rose interrupted him and murmured: “You know, I’m pretty sure María and I can take care of him.” “But I could never ask that of you”, he blurted out and shook his head. No way. It hadn’t even been a week since they had become a couple! “Well, firstly there’s a hell of a lot you guys would have to worry about before a tour would come about. Secondly, you’re not asking, I’m offering. I love Tony and I would be really happy to help you out. And thirdly, he would be so proud of you! That very first day when he dragged me up to his room, the very first thing he showed me was his toy guitar. He told me that he wants to be a rock star like his daddy. Then he asked me whether I could play and that’s how we ended up in your music room”, she stated in a no-nonsense kind of tone. Oh dear… Ray bit his lips and tried very hard to tackle this logically and be the sensible, grown up father, but deep down he already knew what he was gonna say. God, he had dreamed of this day for fucking _years_ , there was no way he was gonna let this opportunity slip away. He took a deep breath and said: “Alright, count me in. But can we like… record here? In Jersey?” 

 

Gerard beamed at him and for a moment he could see the enthusiastic boy with the huge dream and the crazy hair under his shaggy beard and the dark circles around his eyes. Ray knew that he had made the right decision, he just knew it. Man, he couldn't wait to tell Tony. “Thanks, man, it’s either gonna be the five of us or nothing at all”, Gee agreed, a spark of determination in his eyes Ray hadn’t seen there for a very long time. They spent another hour or so rummaging through the MCR box he had wanted to show Rose. It was strange going down memory lane again, but this time it was so much better, because there was a chance that there was more to come. God, he desperately hoped that the others were gonna join them and they hadn’t reached the end of their road yet. Around half past ten they called it a night and went to bed. Ray pointedly asked Gerard whether he wanted to hit the shower before he went to sleep and sighed with relief when he heard him follow his not so subtle advise. Actually it had always been Frank, who had had an eye on their band’s hygiene and forced the Way brothers to get rid of the grime before it got out of hand, but Ray would be damned of he let Gee talk to their friend tomorrow looking like a tramp.

 

He sighed contentedly when Rose slid into bed next to him and cuddled up to his chest. “I have a feeling that… maybe everything’s gonna be alright”, he said tentatively while he played with her hair and twisted a strand around his fingers. “Me too. I don’t know how Frank will take the news of his divorce, but I think those two might get their happy ending after all”, she agreed. Her nimble fingers traced his abs through his thin shirt and he shuddered involuntarily. Ray was completely knackered, this evening had been emotionally exhausting, but even though his mind was done for the day, his body seemed to have other plans. Rose’s soft lips slid down his throat and coaxed little gasps of pleasure out of him. Her touch left fiery tracks all over what little exposed skin he had. He yanked off his shirt in record time. “Someone’s eager”, she commented before she wriggled out of another satin nightgown. With a groan Ray grabbed himself two handfuls of firm breasts and teased her nipples with his thumbs. Rose visibly suppressed a loud scream at that and whimpered desperately while she bit her lip hard enough for her jaw to tremble. Oh fuck, Ray’s cock was rock hard, he felt himself leak pre come onto his belly and the scent of Rose’s arousal made him dizzy with desire. It was sweet and tangy and so utterly sinful… he just had to taste her.

 

His lips found hers and they melted into each other while he pushed her down into the pillows and trailed his hands along her body in a firm grip. Over her taut breasts, her rips, the soft skin of her belly, the curve of her hips… finally he kneeled down between her legs and grabbed her shapely thighs to pull them apart. His gaze immediately fell to her glistening pussy and his mouth watered when her scent hit him again. Ray looked into her heavy-lidded eyes and deliberately licked his lips before he bent down, threw her legs over his shoulders and dragged his tongue through her folds. Her taste exploded in his mouth and he moaned deep in his throat when she screamed and dug her fingers into his curls. Apricots. She tasted of fucking apricots! He wanted to spend the rest of his life right here, licking up her sweet juices. “Oooooh, fuck, more, more, _more!_ ”, she chanted as her hips bucked up. Ray didn’t need to be told twice and buried his face in her cunt. His lips closed around her clit and he shoved two of his fingers into her tight hole, reveling in her desperate moans and the twitching of her muscles around his fingers. He could tell that she tried her best to be quiet and the last shred of rationality told him that they definitely should keep the noise down, but it was simply too much fun making her lose control.

 

Ray growled in triumph when she tensed up, thighs trembling and clenching around his head, and her sighs and moans increased in pitch and volume. He rubbed relentlessly against her G-spot and sucked her clit, flicking his tongue against it every now and then. When she came, it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Her face was flushed red and beads of sweat were glistening in the dim light. Strands of her golden hair were plastered against her forehead, her eyes squeezed shut and her lips pulled back, revealing her gritted teeth. She held her breath, her whole body rearing up, jerking and shaking. Her nails dug into his scalp as she pressed him close. And then she started to pant as her walls clamped down on his fingers and she desperately fought to keep quiet. Ever so carefully, Ray bit her sensible nub. She threw back her head and howled in ecstasy. It was a hoarse, drawn out cry, that sent goosebumps along Ray’s spine and a surge of heat to his crotch. Fuck, he nearly would have come in his pants like a fucking teenager! Somehow he managed to keep going until she let out one last shuddering sigh and went practically boneless beneath him.

 

She was panting with her eyes closed and her face blissed out. It felt fucking fantastic. “Oh fuck, Ray, your fucking _mouth_!”, she wheezed after a while and shuddered violently before she stretched and gave him a lazy, satisfied smile. Damn, this night was doing incredible things to his self-confidence. “Let me blow you?”, Rose murmured and licked her lips in anticipation. Well, come on, which guy in his right mind would say no to _that?_ “I can’t really move right now… just… come here?”, she proposed and stuffed another pillow underneath her head. Oh shit! Ray had never done it like this before, he had only ever seen that in porn! To say that he was eager would have been a fucking understatement, his cock was throbbing with need and practically dripping by now. He swung one of his legs over her upper body and kneeled with his thighs spread wide over her narrow shoulders. Ray had never been one for dominance in the bedroom, he had always had such a deeply ingrained respect for women and never would have dreamed to do anything, that might offend his partner in any way. Actually he was pretty damn shy when it came to sex, he didn’t even do dirty talk, because he felt like an idiot every time he tried it. But he would be a fucking liar if he claimed that he hadn’t relived slapping Rose the night before again and again over the day (and gotten half-hard every fucking time). He never would have done it until yesterday and he didn’t even know where it came from, but he grabbed his cock and traced Rose’s lips with the very tip, smearing pre come around her mouth and whispering: “Open up!”

 

She gasped for breath while her eyes widened and darkened. Her tongue flicked out and slipped underneath his foreskin, circling his head tortuously slowly. The wet heat of her touch nearly did him in. Ray shuddered and swayed, his head was swimming so badly that he had to grab the headboard for support while his other hand steadied his cock. “So big”, she whispered hoarsely and kissed it, straight onto his slit. “So hard”, she sighed and licked a long stripe from the root to the tip. Her warm breath ghosted over his hypersensitive skin, cooler where he was coated in her saliva. “So beautiful”, she sighed and swallowed him whole. She surged forward, one of her hands clawing at his ass and pressing him into her mouth. Ray let out an embarrassingly high squeal when he felt himself enter her throat and slide in further than he had ever been. Rose gagged a little at first, but she kept him down for a few long seconds before she pulled back and released him completely, strings of saliva still connecting them. Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Oh fuck, that was a fantasy straight out of a porn clip! Ray had never felt anything like it before, deepthroating was fucking incredible!

 

In the meantime Rose’s lips wrapped around the tip again and she sucked hard while her tongue danced through his slit. Uuuungh! Ray let his head fall back and moaned unabashedly. There was no way he was gonna last. Sparks were racing up and down his spine, he felt like he had a fever, his body was burning up. She started to bob her head, sucking and licking at him as if he was a fucking lollipop. God, it was incredible! Ray looked down and groaned at the sight. She was the picture of innocence with her huge blue eyes and the way she fluttered her lashes at him. But her pink lips were straining obscenely around his thick shaft, saliva glittering all over her lower face. Fuck, he already felt himself grow close, a lot sooner than he would have liked, but when it came to her, he had the stamina of a fucking teenager. Suddenly her other hand snaked between his legs and her fingertips stroked his balls. Ray jumped violently and moaned loud enough for his ears to ring. The heel of her hand rubbed his perineum while her fingers massaged his bollocks. Ooooh, fuck, that was it, he was racing towards the edge at breakneck speed when she pulled off and murmured: “Fuck my face!” What!? Oh God, if he hadn’t bitten his tongue, he would have come then and there. Just a little bit longer!

 

She pushed him in deep again and relaxed her throat around him. Ray hesitated for a second, but then she grabbed his wrist and deliberately placed his hand on the back of her head. Ray’s hips snapped forwards on instinct and he nearly would have sobbed at the friction. He carefully set a rhythm, always cautious not to go in too deep and hurt her. But her hand on his ass just grabbed him tighter and shoved him forwards, spurring him on, leaving him breathless. Rays fingers twitched, he bit his lips and squeezed his eyes shut. Every fiber of his body screamed at him to let got and just do it. He had always been a control-freak, except for his performances on stage, that was the only time he let himself go. Never in bed. Well, except for those last two nights. And his self-control was rapidly running thing yet again. Suddenly Rose’s hand on his ass disappeared and came back down with a resounding smack. She had fucking _slapped_ him! Something inside him snapped and he just… lost it. Ray slid his cock into her mouth as far as it would go and pushed. One thrust. Black and white dots flickered before his eyes. Another. His balls drew up to his body, tingling with anticipation and pent-up cum. Another, even deeper this time. His body trembled so hard that he had to grip her hair to steady himself. Another. That was all it took.

 

Ray could only stare down incredulously as he came, spurted down her throat and moaned with abandon. Her eyes had teared up, but she held his gaze and swallowed it all, her throat convulsing around him, catapulting him even higher. His body was a fucking live wire, his hair stood on end and delicious spasms zipped through him, that shook him to his very core. He would have expected Rose to pull back any moment now, but she kept going, now only caressing him with her lips and tongue. She was so tender, almost like butterfly touches all along his oversensitive skin. It tingled in the best way and had Ray squirm over her, it was nearly too much. He was already softening in her mouth, but had he been like twenty years younger, he probably would have been good to go again in only a few minutes. When his shaking limbs wouldn’t hold him up anymore, he pulled back and watched his glistening penis slip out between her red, shiny lips. And then he collapsed beside her, panting, shivering with aftershocks and utterly drained. How. The. Fuck. Was this his life?! “Thank you”, was all he managed to say. She chuckled next to him and gently brushed a few sweaty curls off his forehead before she kissed him. Ray could taste himself on her tongue and moaned wantonly into her mouth. This had been the single most erotic experience of his fucking life. “You’re very welcome. I’m a bit rusty, but I guess with a little practice...”, she whispered hoarsely. Ooooh damn, her voice was fucked. Literally. Jesus!

 

Ray laughed out loud at that. “If _that_ was ‘rusty’, I don’t wanna know what ‘practiced’ is gonna be like”, he managed to say and somehow wriggled his way underneath the comforter. Rose grinned at him and got up on shaky legs. Ray gratefully accepted the toothbrush mug of water she handed him a moment later. “Did I hurt you?”, he asked her when they got back into their pajamas (he could do without Tony surprising them stark naked in the morning). “No, you didn’t. As I said, I like it rough. I’m gonna tell you when it gets too much, believe me, I can make myself noticed”, she answered readily, her voice still a little raspy. Huh. Well, he would have to trust her on that. But for now Ray’s body felt wonderfully heavy and fucked out in the best possible way. He was already drifting off and pulled Rose closer until sleep claimed them completely.


	8. Take Over, the Breaks Over

The next morning began far too early for his liking, but Ray still got up with Rose. She made Tony’s favorite pancakes while he set the table and actuated his coffee machine. Luckily he still had one with an actual coffeepot instead of those fancy gadgets, that only produced a single cup. There was a Way in his house, they would need gallons of the stuff. He prepared like a liter… for starters. Surprisingly, Gee came tumbling down the stairs before he could even go and wake up Tony. He looked a little better than yesterday, at least he was clean, even though his beard still needed a trim and he sported a pretty bad case of bed hair. And the old Bowie tee and the slacks were definitely an improvement compared to what he had worn the day before. Ray immediately filled his biggest mug with coffee, added sugar and creamer and held it out to his friend, who grumbled a thanks, took a tentative sip and emptied the cup in a few big gulps before he held it out for a refill. Ray chuckled to himself and poured him another one. “Seriously, dude, that stuff is fucking hot!”, he said fondly while he started the next load. “Your point being?”, Gerard murmured between two mouthfuls of his life elixir. Rose giggled from where she was frying bacon and eggs and shook her head at their antics.

 

A few minutes later they were sat around the kitchen table and dug in. Tony had been over the moon to see his ‘uncle Gee’ and even happier when Rose placed a big plate of his favorite pancakes right in front of him. For once the little guy was busy eating and didn’t talk non stop, therefore Ray took the opportunity to finally catch up properly with Gerard. They had a few common friends in L.A. and Gee had quite a lot to tell about his work on the Umbrella Academy series, that was due next year. Eventually Rose excused herself to get ready for work and Tony ran off towards his room. The first rays of sunlight were already illuminating the room through the patio door when she returned and kissed him goodbye (elegant as ever in beige tailored pants and a dark blue shirt). “I guess you guys are gonna talk to Frank somehow today? Please promise me that you’ll call Evan, Jamia and me immediately if that goes wrong”, she asked him quietly, her eyes full of worry for her friend. “Of course. To be honest, I would feel a lot better about this if you were there with us, but I think we’ve got this. I mean… this is what he wanted for years. It’s gonna be okay”, Ray answered readily, trying to convince himself just as much as her. “From your mouth to God’s ears. Anyway, I gotta get going. Text me how it went, okay?”, she replied and kissed him tenderly. He sighed against her soft lips and gave her one last smile before she left.

 

“Dude, you got it _bad_ , huh?”, Gerard stated as soon as the front door had clunked shut behind her. “Don't you start on me, too! What’s wrong with you guys, I just met her like two weeks ago! Yes, she’s my girlfriend, but people don’t fall in love so quickly!”, Ray ranted grumpily and got up to start cleaning up their mess. “Well, you do realize that your house is pretty… _clairaudient_ , don’t you?”, Gee inquired smugly and Ray practically felt his face inflame. Just great. God, he was so glad he hadn’t yelled anything embarrassing when Rose had made him cum tonight! Gerard grinned at him like a cat, that had gotten an entire flock of canaries. “No need to read anything into it”, Ray muttered under his breath and told himself that he actually believed it. “Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night, Toro”, his friend said with a grin and wiggling eyebrows. Jackass. Ray threw a towel at his head and missed. It landed in the jam. Well, it was the thought that counted. Gee started to collect the dishes while Ray loaded the dishwasher and brooded. He knew only too well that he was falling for Rose, but how the hell was he supposed to describe what he felt for her?

 

It was definitely _something_ , but he hadn’t found a name for it, yet. Actually he was a little scared to do so. It was more than friendship, that much was a given, but was it love? After two weeks? Whenever he was with her he felt safe and appreciated, like he could be himself. That in itself was something of a rarity in people. It was so easy, so fucking right! His heart would speed up when she smiled and there were butterflies in his stomach when she kissed him. She gave him the strength to fight his demons and be brave enough to make a fresh start. And he really wanted to get better, for her, for Tony, for his family and himself. Every time he made her laugh, he felt on top of the world and her praise meant more to him than anyone else’s. She was fascinating, enchanting, breathtakingly beautiful, wise, kind, hot as fuck and everything he could wish for in a step-mother for Tony. Ooooh fuck, that was the first time he had even _thought_ that word! Step-mother. He knew that it would be the logic step at some point and that he wanted Rose to be the one to take it with him. It was still terrifying. Like… _really_ terrifying, okay? But he was fucking _done_ being scared all the time! He would not let his fears destroy his ‘second chance at happiness’. His mother’s words, not his. So, did he love her? Maybe. He couldn’t say those three words and mean them from the bottom of his heart. Not yet. But Ray knew with absolute certainty that he would some day. And you know what? He was fucking fine with that! Because life went on and it was his choice whether he wanted to live it or wallow in his misery forever. _That_ was an epiphany if he had ever had one. “Yeah...”, he murmured and started the dish washer. “I got it bad.” “No shit, Sherlock!”, Gee cackled from the hallway.

 

~~~

 

They had just returned from dropping Tony off at school when Ray texted Frank and asked him to come over, because there was something he wanted him to listen to. It worked like a charm and he felt only sightly guilty for implying that he was working on a song and needed help with that. Well, it wasn’t even a lie, but still. Music had come back to him, he had caught himself writing down bits and pieces of possible lyrics over the last few days and humming little melodies every now and then. Maybe it would evolve into a song for Christa. Anyway, for now he was standing by the door and trying to keep his cool. He could already hear a car door slam outside and footsteps come closer. Alright. Just get it over with. Ray opened the door before Frankie could even ring the bell and gave him a hug. “Hey man, what is it with all that secrecy? I didn’t even know you were working on something!”, Frank greeted him and eagerly toed off his shoes. “Yeah, well, I have a few ideas, but that isn’t what this is about. I have something to show you and I want you to promise me that you won’t freak out and listen before you say anything, okay?”, Ray tried to explain without giving too much away. Jesus, hopefully this wouldn’t blow up in their faces! His friend gave him a suspicious look and eyed Gerard’s boots and jacket when he put away his coat. But in the end he nodded and followed him into the living room. Ray gestured for him to enter first.

 

Suddenly Frank stopped dead in his tracks and gasped in shock. Then he whirled around and tried to storm out of the room, but Ray grabbed him by the shoulders and held him in place. Frankie’s eyes were full of pain and betrayal. He stared at him with trembling lips and tears welling up, shaking his head in disbelief. “Why did you do that? I _trusted_ you!”, he whispered. His voice cracked and he bit his lips, desperately trying to keep it together. The quiet question was so much worse than yelling and cursing could have been. Ray felt like the world’s worst friend ever. God, he would be so furious and devastated if he were in Frankie’s shoes! He grit his teeth and took a deep breath before he answered. They only had this one shot at getting this right. And he knew only too well what might happen if they fucked it up. “Frankie, please. You promised that you would listen. Just… give him five minutes and I will let you go. I think that he’s sincere. So does Rose. Call her if you want, but please… hear him out”, Ray pleaded with his friend and turned him around to face Gerard again. God, he prayed that Gee would say the right thing. He had always had a way with words, but this wasn’t a song or an interview he could charm his way through.

 

“Frankie…”, Gerard whispered and stepped closer, carefully, as if their friend was a scared animal or something. Ray felt Frank’s shoulders start to shake in his grip at the familiar nickname. “I don’t have the right to ask anything of you, but please hear me out, okay? When… w-when I called you a few days ago, you said that you would… give us another chance if I divorced Lindsey. And… I did. It’s gonna take six months before everything is finalized, but the papers are already signed and on my lawyer’s desk”, Gerard blurted out, speaking faster and faster towards the end. His eyes were insecure and frightened, but determined when he held up his left hand to show them that his ring was missing. Frank went very still at that. And then he began to tremble all over, because he was so tense. Gee came even closer and whispered: “Please come back to me, Frankie. I love you… I’ve never stopped loving you. I was just too selfish, too scared and too stupid to stand by you and do what would have been right instead of what was easy. But I can’t take it any longer. I… I just can’t live without you, no matter how hard I try. When you’re not with me, it’s like I lost a limb or something. Nothing feels right, I think about you like all the time and every single morning I wish that I had made a different choice and could wake up next to you.

 

That’s all I ever wanted. To share my life with you. I just never realized that nothing else matters and that all the success I’ve had because I kept up the act of the picture perfect family, doesn’t even come close to what we had. I love you, Frankie… more than anything. And this time, I mean it. I don’t deserve it, but I swear, if you can forgive what I’ve done, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You’re the one for me. I’ve known that for a very long time and I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I was an egoistic asshole. I was afraid of what people might have said if we had come out and how it would have affected the band. But in the end I destroyed everything we created together. Believe me, I know that it was my fault. If I had been braver, we would still be out there and live our dream and… I want that back, Frankie. I want to grow old with you, I want us to be a family. The two of us, our kids and your two million dogs. I want us to share a stinking tour bus with Ray, Mikes, James and Jarrod, go without showers for days, eat crappy junk food and make a huge mess between the bunks until no one knows whose clothes he’s wearing. And I want us to scream our lungs out onstage and hear our fans scream back at us. Please, Frankie… I love you and I always will. Can you… still love me? Please tell me it’s not too late for us.”

 

Ray swallowed hard at that. Wow. By now Frankie was outright sobbing and wobbling so badly that he pulled him closer until he could lean against his chest. Frank hid his face in his hands and didn’t say a single word. Ray exchanged a worried glance with Gerard, whose cheeks were wet with silent tears, as well. His friend looked absolutely horrified, as if his entire world was falling apart along with Frank. This wasn’t even the worst their friend had ever been, but Gee seemed to be mortified at the sight of the younger man’s pain. “God, Gee… you have no idea… how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that”, Frankie whimpered quietly after what seemed like an eternity of sobs and sniffles. Well, Hallelujah! Ray was so relieved, he felt it in his bones. He gave Frank a little push and practically shoved him into Gerard’s waiting arms. They clung to each other like drowning men to a lifeline and Frank buried his face in the crook of Gerard’s neck. They stood there in the middle of his living room, totally lost to the world, crying tears of joy, finally, truly and desperately happy. Ray felt like an intruder and carefully retreated into the kitchen. Alright, so maybe he did snap a photo and send it to Rose, but aside from that, he left his friends to their reunion. God knew they deserved it.

 

Eventually the two of them settled down on the couch, Frankie in Gee’s lap, and whispered amongst each other. In the meantime Ray prepared a few sandwiches for a late lunch and made even more coffee. Damn, he really would have to stock up on it if Gerard was gonna stay with him over Christmas. Once he was done, they came over to eat and Frank gave him a fierce hug. “Thank you. For everything”, he murmured and Ray’s shoulders sagged with relief. He really had been worried that Frankie wouldn’t forgive him for he role he had played in their little scheme. About an hour later, the two lovebirds left for Frank’s house. He was adamant about not going behind Jamia’s back and insisted on telling her right away. Both he and Gerard looked more than uncomfortable when they bid him farewell, Ray really didn’t want to be in their shoes right now. But hey, they had gotten themselves into this mess, now it was up to them to set it right. He felt deeply sorry for Jamia, though. She had stood by Frank’s side for so long, but just like he hadn’t been enough for Gee, she hadn’t been enough for him. And now, only a few days before Christmas, she lost him for good. He really hoped that she was gonna be fine.

 

In the end his friends returned only five minutes after Rose had come back from work. Frank took one look at her, set down his traveling bag and immediately threw himself into her embrace. She carded her fingertips through his hair and hugged him close while Gee watched them with a tired smile. “Hey man, how did it go?”, Ray asked the elder of the two. Gerard shrugged and sighed. “Probably as well as it could. Better than I thought, to be honest, Jamia took it quite well, but it was still pretty hard on her. The kids cried a lot, especially the girls. I never realized how many people got hurt because of me… God, I was such an ass!”, he murmured and hung his head in shame. Well, Ray wasn’t gonna lie and tell him anything different. “So… where do you go from here?”, he asked him after a few beats of tense silence. “We’ll buy a house together. It’s gonna be difficult with the filming of Umbrella Academy, but the rest of the time I can work pretty much from anywhere and I want to come back home. My parents won’t get any younger and with both of us in L.A.… Oh, and Lyn-Z texted me that she’s going to move back to Connecticut, so it’s gonna be much easier to see Bandit when I’m not at the other side of the country”, Gee explained and Ray felt his wide grin split his face in half. “That’s so rad, can’t wait to have both of you guys around here! I really missed you this last year, man!”, he said and gave his friend a hug.

 

Just after dinner, a great vegetarian lasagna Rose had prepared for all of them, he got Tony into bed (after a lot of drama and _two_ of Rose’s bedtime stories). He was just handing out wine, beer and soda when the doorbell rang yet again. Dang, those last few days had been downright crazy, but usually he didn’t get any visitors at this time of the evening, it was nearly nine o’ clock! With a frown he left the others behind and opened the door. Well… that was unexpected. Ray was actually pretty shocked to find one Mikey Way and his mother on his doorstep. They both looked exhausted, to say the least. Mikes was even paler than usual and Donna wasn’t wearing any make up. He had never seen her without it before. Something was seriously wrong there and he prayed that Don, Bandit, Kristin and Rowan were alright. “Mikey, Donna, what’s up?”, he greeted them a little louder than strictly necessary. Hopefully the others had heard him in the living room and Gerard and Frank wouldn’t be playing tonsil hockey when they joined them. He had already seen far more of that than he could stomach during the last hours.

 

“Hey man, say, have you seen Gee since yesterday evening? Or did he call you or text you or anything? He stormed out of the house just like that and he turned off his phone, we’ve been looking for him all day”, the younger Way explained with an expression in his eyes, that was very similar to the way he had looked at his older brother during his very worst days as an addict. Oh fuck, what the hell had Gee been thinking!? “He’s here, come on in”, Ray said hastily and held the door open for his guests. “Oh thank fuck, I’m gonna kill him!”, Mikey sighed and sagged against the door case before he pulled Ray into a firm hug and got rid of his jacket and shoes. Donna followed close behind, fresh tears glittering in her puffy eyes. Ray led them towards the living room and stopped as soon as he had rounded the last corner, sighing and rolling his eyes. Frank had snatched the acoustic guitar he had used this afternoon to work on his callouses and curled up in Gerard’s lap with it. They were sitting in his armchair, cuddled together as close as physically possible, with Frankie’s legs dangling over the armrest and his face pressed into the crook of Gee’s neck. He was strumming a few chords and Gerard was singing softly. Of course. ‘Superstar’, the Carpenters. That had always been their song. Gee had even recorded a cover a few years ago.

 

Long ago, and, oh, so far away  
I fell in love with you before the second show  
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear  
But you're not really here, it's just the radio

 

Don't you remember, you told me you loved me baby?  
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby  
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby  
I love you, I really do

 

Well… so much for keeping a low profile. “That explains a fucking lot”, Mikey deadpanned behind him. Ray only shook his head and proceeded to introduce Rose to their guests. He could tell that Mikes was genuinely charmed by her, but then again – who wasn’t? Donna, however, was still staring at her oldest son in pure and utter shock, barely managing to shake Rose’s hand and nod in recognition. That was the moment the song ended and Gee kissed Frankie as if he was the most precious thing he had ever seen. Mikes pointedly looked away and clenched his jaw, but Donna gasped loudly and shook her head in disbelief. The two lovebirds flinched a little, apparently they hadn’t even realized that they had gotten company. Alright, this was gonna get interesting. Frank looked downright scared, as if he feared that Gerard would push him away and laugh it off any second now. Well, one probably couldn’t blame him for that automatic response. But Gee only tightened his arms around him and raised his chin in defiance, daring his brother and mother to say something.

 

“So this is how it is?”, Donna ground out after a while. “Yes. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with Frank, if he’ll have me”, Gerard answered with more passion and conviction in his eyes than Ray had seen there in years. “But… you’ve been married for _ten years_ , you have a daughter! I thought this was just a phase and that you ended it after you met Lindsey! Where did this come from?!”, Gee’s mother wanted to know. Oh dear, someone was in for a few uncomfortable truths. Frank tensed up at that, but Gerard shook his head vigorously and replied: “Frank has never been a phase. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him play onstage with Pencey for the very first time. That was sixteen years ago. It took me three years, a few lines of coke and a drunken stupor to tell him. I never should have let him go after that and I never will again.” Oh come on, seriously? From the start?! All those years, Ray couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed! Donna looked as if she had seen a ghost. She stood frozen to the spot and opened and closed her mouth a few times before she whispered: “I’m gonna need some time to process that.” Then she turned around and left. They all stood in silence and listened to her putting on her boots and coat again, the door clunking shut and her car moving out of the driveway. That probably could have gone better.

 

“I’m so sorry, Gee”, Frankie murmured quietly, but Gerard only shook his head and said: “No. Not for that. I never told her that we had gotten back together after the wedding, it was just the shock. She’ll get over it. And if she doesn’t, well, then that’s her problem.” But they all saw how he clenched his jaw and blinked a few times until the traitorous shimmer of his eyes had disappeared. Mikey sighed heavily and collapsed onto the couch, where he rubbed his face with both hands until he finally looked up at his brother. “Alright, in plain English… what the fuck is going on?! Last thing I knew was that he broke up with you and now you’re telling me that you would chose him over our _mother_?! What the hell is wrong with you!?”, the younger Way demanded to know. He frowned and his eyes were shooting daggers at Frankie. Ray felt his hackles raise. “Come off it, Mikes, your brother is not the victim here, okay?”, he ground out and sat down in a chair while Rose placed a tray of coffee and cups for everybody on the coffee table.

 

“Well… yeah, he kinda _did_ break up with me, but only after he gave me the choice to either divorce Lyn-Z or end our relationship. I decided on Lindsey. For the second time already, but I’m never gonna make that mistake again”, Gerard explained, staring at his hands and not meeting anyone’s eyes. “Seriously?! Then why the hell did you tell me that _Frank_ wanted to break up with you?”, Mikey groaned and massaged his temples with his fingertips, apparently fighting off a headache. Ray really could feel him, all the fucking Frerard drama took its toll on him, as well. “Because I already felt horrible without you telling me off every five minutes! And yes, you said from the start that I shouldn’t have married Lyn-Z so quickly and you were fucking right, okay? Satisfied?!”, Gee murmured dejectedly. Just great. Wow. A few years ago Ray would have sworn that Gerard was one of the bravest people he had ever met, but now it looked like he had to reconsider. When it came to his love life, he really was a coward. Mikey sighed and shook his head. Ray felt sorry for little Rowan Way, her father had the ‘I’m-so-disappointed-in-you’ look down to an art already.

 

“Frankie, I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for being a bitch and treating you like shit. I should have asked you what really happened, but I was so wrapped up in myself and the booze because of my divorce and the break up and… yeah. I’m so fucking sorry”, Mikey said after a while and gripped his coffee mug hard enough for his knuckles to turn white. Frank didn’t look up, but he nodded and twisted one of his rings around his finger. Still, it was _not_ okay. Somehow they had all managed to let him down, well, except for James. A fine bunch of friends they were! Ray really didn’t know how he was ever going to forgive himself for that. “What is it with that Ring, Frankie? You’ve been playing with it like every time we’ve met these days”, he tried to change the topic and lighten the mood. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. Frank sighed heavily and Ray furrowed his brow when he teared up. “I’ve had it for more than eleven years and I’ve worn it for a few months now. Every day. It was Rose’s idea. Actually it was… an engagement ring. But I never got to propose”, Frankie told them so quietly that Ray hardly understood him. Jesus. Every time he thought that there might be an end to this madness, another low blow was waiting around the corner.

 

Apparently Gee agreed, since his breath caught in his throat and his eyes immediately glazed over. Jesus, they had all degenerated to snivelers! Ray exchanged an equally weary and mortified look with Mikey. He would kill for a drink right now, but he wouldn’t do that to his friends, Gerard really wasn’t at his best and Mikey had only been sober for three years. In the meantime Frank pulled the ring off his finger and Ray craned his neck to sneak a peek at it. White gold, a simple band, quite narrow, worn and slightly scratched. When Frankie showed it to Gee, Ray caught a glimpse of what had to have been in inscription at some point. But it was scratched out, deep scrapes rendering the letters unreadable. “What did it say here?”, Gerard wanted to know, sniffling and wiping away a single tear, that rolled down his cheek. “‘Until the end of everything.’ When you didn’t want it, I kept it in my wallet. As a reminder never to fall for you again. That part didn’t work out, obviously”, Frank explained and tenderly wiped Gerard’s tears away. “I’m so sorry, Frankie”, Gee whispered and shook his head again and again, his fingers clamped around the ring and his lips trembling.

 

Frank hesitated for the briefest moment. And then he whispered: “Me too. It’s in the past, we can’t go back and change it. But… d-do you… I mean, do you… want it _now_?” Oh come on, no, he didn’t! Seriously!? Ray couldn’t believe he had just watched two of his best friends propose to each other in his fucking armchair. They had even managed to blow Mikey Way’s famous poker face to kingdom come. The younger Way was sitting next to Rose on the couch, gaping at his brother and potential brother-in-law and looking like he was about to faint. Ray totally couldn’t be blamed for snapping a photo, the look on Mikey’s face was just priceless! And then Gerard shook his head yes. Slowly at first, but gaining confidence with every second. “More than anything”, he managed to say after a while and sobbed when Frankie finally slipped the ring onto his finger. Frank pressed his lips to the scratched metal while Gee looked down on him with the widest grin on his face. And then they kissed, clinging to each other and laughing through their tears. Ray took a photo of that, as well. Those two were so meant to be, one only had to look at them to know that. “Let me actually say it, please… Gerard Arthur Way, will you marry me?”, Frank whispered so softly that Ray nearly would have missed it. “Yeah. I love you so much, Frankie”, Gee replied without missing a beat and pulled him in for another kiss.

 

“Fucking finally”, Rose sighed and raised her hands to heaven. She took the words right out of his mouth. Eventually Mikey snapped out of his state of shock and leaped up from the couch to pull both Gee and Frank into a hug. Ray fondly shook his head at his friends and joined them in the first group hug since the last gig they had played together five years ago. It felt like coming home. It was perfect. “I can’t even tell you how happy I am for you guys”, he said quietly when they parted after a while and was met with three matching smiles. And then Frankie climbed out of his fiancé’s lap and flung his arms around Rose’s neck, who hugged him back just as eagerly. God, this was too much emotion for a single night, what the heck, Ray would definitely need some time to stomach the events of this evening.

 

It was late when they finally went upstairs. He was exhausted, but not nearly enough to fall asleep. Ray could already feel that it was gonna be one of those nights, when his brain simply wouldn’t shut down and he would end up working out until he passed out. “Do you want to join me for a bath? I don’t feel like sleeping, yet”, Rose proposed from the bathroom. Ray had actually been about to lay down, but damn, the prospect of feeling her wet, naked body against his… Well, it took very little convincing until he returned to the adjoining room and ripped off his pajamas. Rose added something to the water and the tub was filled with bubbles in no time. It smelled kinda flowery, Ray had no idea why he even owned such stuff. Probably a gift from a woman or something. Anyway, he pulled back his hair into a bun and climbed in first with Rose following close behind. Oh yes, seeing her stand over him in all her naked glory was quite something. She slid into the water beside him, slung one of her shapely legs over his and huddled against his body. Ray pulled her even closer and buried his nose in the messy bun on top of her head. He was already hard again, it was crazy, his body reacted to her like a pawlowian dog! “You’re so beautiful”, he whispered into her hair and inhaled her wonderful vanilla and cinnamon scent deep into his lungs.

 

“So are you”, she replied while her fingertips carded through what his chest hair. Ray couldn’t help but snort a little at that. Yeah, sure… maybe he was in an ok shape, but the rest of him was still average at best. His hair was a nightmare, it was already graying a little and it took forever to tame it. He had neither Gerard’s charisma nor Frankie’s smile or Mikey’s striking features. Even Bob had been prettier than him with his blue eyes and blonde hair. No, Ray had always been the least attractive member of his band and he knew it, okay? “You know, I’ve seen an interview a few years ago, where you said that you didn’t think you looked good anyway. But the worst part was that the others didn’t even protest. It killed me, because I’ve always thought that you’re extremely handsome, even then”, Rose murmured beside him and sat up before she straddled his thighs. Ray could only stare at her, he didn’t believe a single word. “Well… looks like I gotta spell it out for you”, Rose whispered against his lips and ground her hips against his throbbing erection. Ray nearly would have choked on his spit and grabbed her hips reflexively. She moved slowly, undulating against his cock. It was equally arousing and tortuous, but she kept up the steady pace, even when he tried to spur her on. Then she started to speak and he couldn't believe what he heard.

 

“I love your eyes. Such a beautiful, warm brown, just like the dark honey my Dad used to make, and they sparkle when you smile. Your lips are perfect. I can’t even tell you how it feels to kiss them. So full, but strong, I’ve never been kissed like that before. And your hair… God, I love your hair. It’s so soft, so gorgeous, so iconic, I think some people used to say that it was the unofficial sixth member of My Chem. When you went down on me and I could pull it… you have no idea how long I’ve fantasized about that. And those muscles! I couldn't believe it when I saw you in that Starbucks, do you have any idea how much those broad shoulders turn me on? And your pecs! God, I want to _bite_ them! But the most prettiest thing about you, by far, is your smile. It can light up an entire room and I can never look away from it. Especially your dimples! Those have to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, you could probably make me do anything if you only smiled at me. I mean… remember how I ravished you the first time we had sex? You’re _hot_ , Ray. Like, really fucking hot! Don’t let anybody tell you anything different. Not even yourself, okay?”

 

Suddenly she lifted herself up, grabbed his cock and sunk down onto him in one fluid movement. Oh shit, that felt so good! Ray couldn't remember the last time he had done it in a bathtub, but that was only secondary right now. Her words, though! Nobody but Christa had ever said anything like that to him! The loud moan, that tore out of his chest, kinda came out like a sob. His eyes were burning and his chest constricted until his racing heart felt too big for it. Ray had never cried during sex before, but now he wrapped both arms around Rose’s waist and buried his face in the crook of her neck. She clung to him, one of her hands tangled in his curls and the other rubbing soothing circles on his back. Her hips began a steady rocking motion as she rode him incredibly tenderly while she kept whispering to him. “You’re so beautiful. So perfect. You don’t have any reason to hide. You’re gorgeous, you’ve had the starring role in my fantasies from day one. And I do know you with short hair and those 90s glasses! So handsome… so hot… I’m gonna tell you that again and again, until you believe me. All that, and I haven’t even started on everything, that’s beneath the surface. You’re a great guy, Ray Toro. Gentle, kind, loving, dedicated and passionate. You’re a devoted father, a loyal friend and everything I could have ever wanted in a boyfriend. I wake up every morning wondering how the hell I deserved you. I still haven’t found an answer to that, but you’re a fucking catch and I’m… I’m… I’m gonna keep… _oh my God, I’m gonna cum!_ ”, she gasped as her thighs started to tremble and her fingers tightened in his hair.

 

Ray swallowed hard and dug his fingers into her hips, hard enough to leave bruises. He was _right there_ with her. Those slow movements had started a glow in his loins, it was different from the fire he was used to, but it still threatened to consume him whole any second now. He pulled back a little so that he could look into her face and watched in awe how her eyes fluttered shut for the briefest moment. Her mouth went slack, her back arched and a blush crept all the way down to her breasts. A few strands of hair had escaped from her bun and stuck to her sweaty face, but she didn’t seem to notice. Ray felt her pussy twitch around him. Once… Twice… And then she clamped down on him and sucked him even deeper while she took a deep breath, held it and let it all out again in a hoarse moan. That sound was enough to do him in. He felt it grow, slowly, but inevitable. The tension in his body rose to an incredible climax and broke agonizingly slowly. But once it happened, it hit him square in the gut and ripped him apart. Ray couldn’t help himself and thrust up into her quivering cunt as he exploded and filled her up. He didn’t even realize he was sobbing until he came down from his high and found himself curled around her body, his softening cock still nestled deep inside her.

 

Ray had never felt anything like this before. It was as if she could see right through his walls, deep into his soul, and rubbed a soothing balm onto the open wounds and scars there. He had always tried his best not to be jealous when their fans has swooned over the other guys or when he had somehow always been the least favorite member of My Chem. Ray didn't even know whether that was actually true, but to him it had felt like it. And he had told himself again and again that all those teenage girls might lust for his friends because of their good looks, but that he was still the best player when it came to technicality and precision and that that would be enough. Most of the time he even believed it. But every time Gee did something crazy to his hair, Frankie went and got a new tattoo or Mikey smiled for their fans, he couldn't help but feel a little left out, it was like a tiny sting in his heart. Over the years those incidents had accumulated, especially during Danger Days when Gee had practically been oozing sex onstage. Ray had never been vain or cared very much about his appearance, but he had thought that he looked okay at least. However, if you doubt again and again that you're good enough, those thoughts will make themselves a home until you can’t get rid of them any more. So here he was, convinced that there was absolutely nothing special about him when it came to physical attractiveness. And then this drop-dead gorgeous woman, this angel in disguise, came along and shattered all his deeply ingrained beliefs. It was liberating, comforting, too good to be true. Ray's head was spinning, he felt strangely detached from his body, as if he was floating. What Rose had said during the last few minutes was utterly incredible, but he could see in her eyes that she meant every single word. That realization was so overwhelming, that he couldn't stop his tears, even if he had wanted to. He hadn't even known how desperately he had needed her praise until she had lavished it on him.

 

It was this moment. He was sobbing into her shoulder, her hands caressing his neck and scalp and his cock deep inside her warmth, when he understood. There was no more denying that what he felt for her had already developed into something deep. Something deep, sincere and real. He knew what it was, even though he couldn't say it, yet. But in his mind he whispered the words over and over again. _I love you. I love you, God I do_. "Thank you... you have no idea what that meant to me", he murmured as soon as he trusted his voice not to crack. "Oh Ray, I wish I could show you what I see when I look at you! But I'm gonna do whatever it takes to help you love yourself, that's a promise", she replied and kissed him with so much feeling that his toes curled and he pressed her as close as they could possibly get. That was when he heard a muffled sound through the wall and stilled for a moment. There it was again, louder this time. It sounded like a moan and it was definitely coming from the guest room. Ungh, nope, he really could do without overhearing his best friends going at it, thank you very much. He exchanged a pained look with Rose before they hurried to get out of the tub and ready for bed. Unfortunately they weren't quick enough to miss both of their guests coming quite spectacularly, if the moans and cries of passion were anything to go by. Damn, he was so glad that his son was such a heavy sleeper...

 

The next morning began just like the night had ended: with Ray’s arms wrapped tightly around his girlfriend and his face buried in her chest. He groaned in protest when Tony squeezed himself between them and kissed his son’s head before he drifted off again. What eventually woke him up again, was a flash and that awful photo sound of someone’s phone. “Whoever you are, I’m gonna kill you”, he growled menacingly before a huge yawn kinda killed the effect. “Oh my God, Rosie, protect me from your rowdy boyfriend”, Frank cackled. Ray sighed. What the hell had he been expecting? Having both Gerard and Frankie stay here was just asking for trouble. “You look so adorable like that, don’t they, Gee?”, his friend gushed excitedly, accompanied by a grumpy hum of his boyfriend. “Coffee!”, was everything Gerard managed in response and, judging by the rumble in the hallway, made his way downstairs. Ray sighed and came to terms with his fate. He kissed first Tony’s tousled curls and then Rose’s soft lips before he rolled out of bed to follow his friend and band mate to the kitchen. Gee’s coffee could raise the dead, no kidding, you couldn't pay him enough to drink that shit. “I swear, if I find those pis anywhere online, I’m gonna hide a tarantula in your sock drawer, got it?”, he murmured in passing and noticed with malicious glee how Frank shuddered at the mere thought.

 

~~~

 

Ray, Rose and Tony spent the morning doing something, that was long overdue. He still couldn't believe that it was the 23rd of December already and there still wasn’t a single Christmas decoration in his house! So here they were, buying a tree at a farm about twenty minutes from his home. They had had a relaxed breakfast with Frankie and Gee before Frank had called up his lawyer and asked him for divorce papers. After that his friends had left for Linda Iero’s house. Frankie had always been a momma’s boy and wanted his mother to know about his not-quite-new relationship. Ray really hoped that that would go down well, after all she was a very religious person and had even sent her son to catholic school (they had all mocked him endlessly for that, but at least he had learned how to do a proper tie knot, which had come in handy during Revenge era). Anyway, they could all just hope for the best, he concluded as he secured a beautiful Norway spruce to the roof of his car while Rose did her best to tame his more than excited son.

 

His friends returned before lunch and one look at Frank’s puffy eyes and his carefully blank expression was enough to tell Ray that Linda hadn’t taken the news too well. They tried their best to cheer him up. Gee helped Ray set up the tree before they all decorated it together while ‘We wish you a Metal Xmas’ was playing. Ray liked his Christmas trees pretty simple, therefore they only used little golden lights, a few plain ornaments and candy canes. Of course they weren’t done after that and ended up distributing stuff around the house. A nativity scene, some garlands, stockings, holly and a few figurines. Gerard even managed to put up mistletoe all over the house, Ray had no idea where he had even gotten that. Great, now he had to deal with his friends sucking faces at every opportunity! Oh, and Tony had stuck all the leftover candy canes to the walls with some kind of tape. Hopefully those would come off without ruining the tapestries. By the time Rose called them all to the kitchen for coffee and Christmas cookies, he was in a kinda festive mood and couldn't help but smile at the sight of Frank and Gerard sharing a tender kiss in the doorway. That was the thing with family… they might drive you nuts sometimes, but in the end you loved them all the more for that.

 

“Sooo, we actually wanted to ask you something, Frankie”, Gee said after a while. Ray hid his frown behind his mug and suppressed the urge to ask what the hell he was talking about. “You know, what I’ve missed the most those last years was what we had before the break up. But not just our relationship… the band, as well. So… uhm… if we… hypothetically… like… got back together… would you-…”, Gerard murmured, but he didn’t even get to finish before his fiancé squealed in excitement and all but pounced on him. So there he was, with an armful of boyfriend and looked equally relieved and amused while Frankie smooched him to death. “You know, a simple ‘yes’ probably would have been enough, just saying”, Ray chimed in and chuckled to himself when Tony wrinkled his little nose and exclaimed: “Grown-ups are _weird_!” No argument there, kiddo. “Can I tell James? Ohmygod, I can’t believe it! Wait – you guys are serious, aren’t you? Fuck, I swear, I’m gonna end you if this is a prank! And you’re on board with this, Ray? This is gonna be so rad! God, fucking _finally_!”, Frank rambled on until Gerard shut him up with a kiss and Tony asked: “What does ‘fuck’ mean?” Ray had a good mind to go through with his threat to leave Frank a hairy little surprise in his sock drawer. Jesus, leave it to those two to undo all his efforts not to curse in front of his son within 24 hours!

 

“That’s a bad word, sweetheart, a curse word. You shouldn’t use it. If you say that at school, you’ll get into trouble, your teacher would probably call your Dad and tell him. Sometimes grown-ups say such things when they are excited or very, very angry. But when people curse too often others might think that they aren’t very smart, even if that’s not true. You’re a clever guy, aren’t you? I’m sure that you can figure out how to share how you feel without bad words. Your Daddy doesn’t like cursing and I’m pretty sure Santa doesn’t either”, Rose explained patiently. Ray sighed with relief and shot Frank a death glare. God, he fell for his girlfriend even more in moments like this! Luckily the passing mention of Santa Claus worked like a charm and Tony nodded eagerly with wide eyes. “’M gonna be good! Promise! Wanna get my wish! Can I go play now?”, the little guy asked and Ray was only too happy to see him slip away to his room.

 

“Sorry, man, I didn’t mean to, really”, Frank apologized and Ray shrugged it off. It really wasn’t that big of a deal and on the upside – he didn’t have to worry about having to explain the f-bomb to his son anymore. Definitely worth it. “What’s his wish?”, Gee wanted to know. Ray buried his face in his hands. “Something I can’t give him”, he murmured to his palms. Damn it, why was it always him!? Why could he never discuss such things with Rose in quiet? Somehow Tony always managed to get them into the strangest of situations and they ended up talking about things before they were ready for it. Being a mother to a four-year-old. How could he just dump something so huge on her? Not that he didn’t want it… he did. More than anything. But there was simply no way he could ask her to take on such a huge responsibility and become what his son wanted her to be. So he stared down into his coffee and waited for the others to drop it. And they did. Eventually.

 

“Can I call James _now?_ ”, Frank begged them again. He really could be a pain in the ass if he wanted to, but Ray had never been so thankful for that before. “Jesus Christ, just do it already! You won’t shut up about it anyway! Gee, if you call Mikey, I’m gonna ring up Jarrod. Let’s just meet here asap and talk this through or your boyfriend will drive us up the pole until we do”, he sighed in defeat and shook his head fondly when Frank squealed again and fumbled for his phone. Sometimes he really didn’t get how that guy had managed to become a father when he still was a kid himself most of the time. Anyway, not even an hour later Mikey and Jarrod rang his doorbell and Ray set up a video call with James, who was at the airport on his way to his Dad’s house in Liberty for the holidays. Rose had taken Tony to his music room to give them some space and he was grateful for it. Alright. Time to greet his friends.

 

The younger Way looked decidedly suspicious, but he didn’t say anything, he only gave him a hug and plumped down in his armchair. Knowing Mikey, Ray was pretty sure that he had already figured out what this was about, but didn’t want to get his hopes up. Jarrod, on the other hand, was just as friendly and cheerful as usual. He was a muscular guy with short, dark blonde hair, blue eyes and an easy smile, 36 years old, just like Frankie, and equally short. In the end Ray, Gee and Frank sat down on the couch and faced Mikes and Jarrod on the other side of the coffee table and James on his laptop inbetween. Ray was still searching for the right words when Frank burst out: “We’re gonna re-start the band. Anybody else want in?” Yeah. Speak of breaking it to them gently. Jarrod’s jaw dropped. James grinned like a madman. And Mikey Way burst into tears. “I’m in. I’m so fucking in! Oh my fucking God, you’re serious, right?!”, he sobbed while he frantically looked between them. Gerard got up and hugged him to his chest. The two brothers were lost in a world of their own, but both James and Jarrod agreed enthusiastically to their plan. Ray couldn’t remember the last time he had been so happy and excited. This was the beginning of something magical. They had been there before, but now it was so much more special, because he had already had lost faith in a reunion.

 

Eventually Mikey calmed down, but he kept sniffing from time to time and wiped his eyes every now and then. He was grinning from ear to ear, something people outside his family and closest friends hardly ever got to see. Then Gee sat down next to his boyfriend again and said: “One more thing… uhm… Frankie and I… we’re getting divorced. Like… yeah, we’re a couple.” Mikey only rolled his eyes. “Are you fucking kidding me!?”, Jarrod blurted out without missing a beat while James frowned a little. “Listen, Gerard, I really like you, but if you hurt him ever again, I’m gonna kill you. I’m serious, you have put him through so much shit, I can’t even count how often I put him back together after one of your bitch fits. You better be serious this time!”, his friend said dead serious. Gee swallowed hard and nodded. He really did deserve that, but Ray was pretty sure that it wasn’t needed. And by the way, James would have to try very hard if he wanted to be faster than Rose or himself in case Gerard would need his ass kicked in the future. “Is this serious enough for you?”, Gee asked and held up his hand. He still wore Frank’s ring. “Oh shut up, seriously? When did you even _do_ that?”, Jarrod wanted to know and only shook his head when they told him. “You idiots are crazy as fuck, but I’m happy for you”, he murmured in the end and came over to give them each a hug and congratulate them again. In the meantime James asked: “Frankie, are you happy?” Ray looked over at his friend, who nodded and said: “Yeah, I am. My mom didn’t take it too well when we told her this morning and the girls are pretty upset, but I guess that was to be expected.” James sighed heavily. “They’ll come around, you’ll see. You’ve always been Linda’s baby boy, she can’t stay mad at you anyway”, he pointed out and coaxed a smile out of Frank.

 

Just then Rose and Tony emerged from the basement. Ray snickered when his son immediately took off towards him and climbed into his lap, where he wrapped his little arms around his neck and cuddled up to his chest. His girlfriend sat down on the armrest and wrapped one of her arms around his shoulders. He introduced her to Jarrod before she invited him and Mikey for dinner. And then he whispered: “They agreed. We’re really doing this.” The beaming smile, that spread across her face, was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. “Oh my God, yes! I can’t even tell you what that means to me!”, she replied equally quietly and kissed him passionately. Tony immediately scrambled away from them and took refugee in Frank’s arms, ranting under his breath how ‘gross’ it was, but Ray couldn’t care less and deepened the kiss until he was hit by a pillow. Frankie, judging by the high-pitched giggling. “Not a single word from either of you! You do realize that my house is pretty… _clairaudient_ , don’t you?”, Ray repeated Gerard’s words from the day before. Gee and Frankie immediately shut up and blushed to the roots of their hair while James’ booming laughter was joined by Jarrods chuckles and Mikey’s “Bah, TMI, dude!”

 

“So, how are you gonna tell people that you’re back?”, Rose asked no one in particular and kicked off an epic brainstorming session. Most of it was just goofing around, but eventually they got to a point where sensible conversation was possible again. Mikey proposed a few interviews and posts on Twitter, but that was kinda boring. However, simply recording an album and putting it out there as a surprise without any kind of promotion wasn't an option either. A surprise performance with another band sounded quite tempting, to be honest. But all the preparation, the rehearsals, soundcheck, etc. ... Nope, there was no way they could pull it off without anything leaking to their fans or the press. "Why don't you shoot a music video to an existing song? Maybe with a video message or something like that? You could put it on YouTube and go from there. Most people are gonna see whatever you do online anyway. I mean... if you manage to pull it off tomorrow, you could even do "All I Want For Christmas", that would be an epic gift to your fans!", Rose chimed in from the kitchen, where she was chopping vegetables.

 

Ray bit his lips and exchanged looks with his band mates. He really liked this idea, now that it was decided that they would indeed get back together, he couldn't wait to share it with the world and to start working on an album. "Alright, you know what, I’m coming over. There’s a flight in half an hour to Newark, can anyone pick me up? I’m gonna fly home tomorrow night”, James asked them, apparently studying a monitor listing departure times. "Sure, text me the details. So we're going with Rose's idea?", Mikey volunteered and Ray found himself nodding along with his friends. Oh God, he couldn't believe this was really happening! "Alright, then. Does anybody know someone, who could film it? And where? Do you want to use the old record or do we do it live? Someone's gotta figure out what we say or write with it and what we're gonna wear. Oh, and we're gonna need some lighting equipment and we should probably contact our label, our old manager and publisher and see whether they're still available. Get to work, guys", Ray said and reached for his phone to get started and make a few calls. He had always been the responsible one and had a reputation to lose.


	9. This Is The Best Day Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter, thank you very much to everyone, who made it through ;)

It took them nearly two hours to get everything done, at least for tomorrow. Their label had scheduled a meeting in a few days, at the beginning of January and their manager had been over the moon when Frank had told him the news. Mikey left halfway through and returned with James in the middle of a heated discussion about wearing Christmas sweaters and Santa hats for their video. Rose called them to the dining room for dinner as soon as they had greeted their band mate. She had prepared a huge pot of vegetarian chili since the Way brothers and Frankie didn’t eat meat. It was fantastic, to the point of Gerard asking how often one could get away with inviting themselves for dinner. Afterwards Rose got Tony ready for bed and Ray lead his friends down to his music den in the basement. By the time his girlfriend and his son joined them, everybody was set and tuning their instruments. Rose sat down in a corner with Tony in her lap where he huddled against her under her cardigan. Those two were just too cute!

 

“‘Teenagers’?”, Gerard proposed and Ray was already ready to go when Rose murmured: “Maybe something a little more appropriate for children?” Well, she had a point there. ‘I’m Not Okay’? Nope, not o-fucking-kay. ‘Na Na Na’ neither. ‘Mama’ was probably a bad idea as well, and ‘F.T.W.W.W.’ was completely out of the question. Same with ‘Dead!’, ‘This Is How I Disappear’, ‘Blood’, ‘The Five Of Us Are Dying’, ‘Kill All Your Friends’, ‘Party at the End of the World’, ‘My Way Home Is Through You’, ‘You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison’... The list went on and on and that were only the songs, that contained swear words in any form. Damn, Ray had never realized how many there were. However, most of their work was somewhat death-themed and he really didn't want to have to explain the meaning of the lyrics to Tony. "Uhmm... you guys remember ‘Every Snowflake Is Different’?", Mikey asked after a while of collective silent brooding. Ray couldn't help but burst out laughing. God, that had to be the single cheesiest thing they had ever done, but since it had been written for a children's TV show, it was probably the best they had. Not that it hadn't been fun to film it back then, but he had felt kinda silly jumping around in full winter gear in a studio (although he hadn’t looked half as ridiculous as James in his yeti costume). "What key’s that?", Frank wanted to know. "D, if I remember correctly", Ray answered immediately. So what, he knew his stuff when it came to their music, okay? Anyway, Jarrod counted in and they started the intro before Gee sang the first verse and Ray provided the backing vocals with Frank and James. Oh God, this was so surreal! But it was really happening! They were playing together again, he couldn't believe it! And it felt so fucking great! How had he ever been able to go so long without this? It was incredible, they had always been a band of brothers and he had desperately missed that feeling of belonging. Even if he never would have thought that _this_ would be the first song they would play together after the break up, but he sure as hell wasn't going to complain.  
  
After the last note he looked over to their little audience and smiled when he set eyes on his son. Tony was outright gaping at them, a look of pure wonder on his face and his eyes shining with rapture. Rose, on the other hand, was wiping her eyes and beaming at him as if he had hung the moon. Ray felt a wave of tingling warmth wash over him. By now he could even name the feeling. Affection if he wanted to pretend like he wasn't in way too deep... and love if he was honest with himself. "Moremoremore, that's sooo cool!", Tony chanted and clapped his hands. Ray chuckled to himself and reveled in the admiration in Rose's eyes. Her gaze was promising in a way that made his blood boil and his cock twitch. Jesus, he was so glad that he had his guitar to hide behind!   
  
After that they listened to the old record of 'All I Want For Christmas' and played along a few times until they were satisfied. By that time his son had fallen asleep in his girlfriend's arms, despite the pretty impressive volume level. Rose tucked him in and they could finally get to the less child friendly parts of their repertoire. Ray felt the music with every fiber of his being. He closed his eyes and let himself be carried away until there was nothing left but the movement of his fingers and the beating of his heart. This was what he was born to do, what he excelled at. And he would never let it be taken away from him again, not without a fight. He ended up shredding 'I'm Not Okay' back to back with Frankie and singing the backing vocals at the top of his lungs. He was back home. It was everything he had ever wanted.   
  
Later that night Ray went to bed with sore fingertips and a huge smile on his face. Mikey, James and Jarrod had eventually gone home and Gerard and Frank had disappeared to their room not even five minutes after that. It didn't take a genius to work out what they were up to in there, he only hoped that his little jibe this evening had registered and they wouldn't traumatize him any further. How hard could it be to keep quiet?! However, when Rose walked in from the bathroom stark naked and she gave him a mischievous little smirk, he swallowed hard and kinda took that back. He was pretty damn sure that she could make him _scream_ if she set her mind to it. "Ray... there's something I'd like to ask you… uhm… Do you have any kinks?", she purred as she laid down next to him. Damn, how could something so simple be so sensual?! "Uhmm...", was his admittedly very eloquent response. But then he took a deep breath and forced himself to admit: "I don't know. I... We've tried handcuffs once, but Christa said that they were really uncomfortable and that was pretty much as far as I ever got." Rose's smile became downright predatory at that. "You know, I think that you might enjoy trying a few things. I loved it when you slapped me and gave it to me a little harder, but... Maybe we should switch that? Would you submit to me? You don't have to call me Mistress or anything, I don't get off on that, but remember how I told you that I might kidnap you, tie you up and have my way with you? Let me show you what I can do to you, I swear that you won't regret it", she proposed and Ray's breath caught in his throat. Oh shit, yesyesyes, _please!_ Just the thought of her simply taking what she needed from him while he couldn't... oh God, his cock was fucking _leaking_.   
  
He managed a nod since he didn't really trust his voice. "Thank you. Really, that means a lot to me. Just tell me if it gets too much, okay? I won't do anything you don't want, all you have to do is say something and I'll stop, okay?", she explained and Ray nodded again. He was kinda glad that she hadn't asked him for a safeword, because that would have required thinking and his mind was already becoming foggy. Rose sat up, her eyes roaming over his chest and down to the obvious bulge under the covers. "You're a little overdressed...", she whispered and dove under the comforter. Then he felt her warm breath ghost over the stripe of naked skin where his shirt had ridden up, followed by hot lips and a wet tongue. Ray tensed up. He was _so_ on board with this! The anticipation was killing him already. She tugged at the hem of his shirt and pulled it up while she straddled him and showered his belly and chest in butterfly kisses. When the fabric was bunched up under his arms, she demanded: "Take that off, I want to see you." Ray already had it halfway over his head before she even finished. "Someone's eager", Rose chuckled and latched onto one of his nipples. Ray moaned deep in his throat when she started to suck. He would never get enough of this. But when he tried to grab her hair and hold her close, she pulled back and licked her lips before she smirked at him. "Oh no, I never said that you could touch me tonight! Looks like you need a little help keeping still, huh? Hmmm... where do you keep your ties?", she drawled. Ray felt a wave of heat rush through his body. This was so Fifty Shades of Grey, but he couldn't wait to try it. "T-Top drawer, left side, right next to the door", he ground out and quickly shrugged off his pants and boxers while she got what she wanted from his walk-in closet.   
  
Rose in returned with three ties and instructed him: "Hold out your hands, wrists together." He obeyed without hesitation and watched intrigued how she tied him up. The knot wasn't overly tight, but he was definitely restrained, the chances of getting out of this were pretty slim. Not that he wanted to. Ray never would have thought that he would be turned on by being at the receiving end of bondage, but hell, had he been wrong! There was freedom in giving up control. Especially since his life had been so chaotic and confusing ever since the break up, but now he practically felt something click inside him and sighed with relief. This was good. He finally had someone, who told him what to do and kinda... guided him into the right direction. Of course he realized that that was pretty far-fetched and wouldn't apply to the rest of his life, but for now it was exactly what he needed.   
  
Before he knew it, he was lying diagonally across the mattress while Rose secured his bound wrists to the bed post with another tie. His bed really wasn't ideal for such endeavors. Ray already knew that he would buy a new one first thing tomorrow morning. Fuck, this was awesome! And she hadn't even started, yet! "Are you okay so far?", Rose asked him softly. 'Okay' was a fucking understatement. "Oh my God, I'm good. Just please... touch me, I don't even care how, but... anything!", Ray pleaded and swallowed hard when her mouth fell open and her eyes widened. "You're so pretty when you beg", she moaned and straddled him again before she pulled at his hands to test his bonds. "Alright, I promise that I won't keep you on tenterhooks any longer, but I have to know whether there's anything you don't want me to do. We're gonna have a good long talk about limits and stuff as soon as possible, but for now this will have to do", she said, but Ray was already struggling to process her words. All he could muster was a pathetic little whimper while he pushed his hips up in search for some friction. Rose, however, pulled back and wouldn't have any of that. "Oh no, my dear, that's not how it works. _I'm_ in charge here and you better remember it if you want to come tonight. There are a few rules you're gonna follow. Firstly: You do exactly as I say, but you tell me immediately if you're uncomfortable. Secondly: You won't move an inch unless I explicitly permit you to. But you can be as loud as you want. And thirdly: you're only gonna come when I tell you to. Believe me, you will regret it if you don't. Alright?", she explained and Ray nodded immediately. At this point he would have agreed to literally anything. His cock was rock hard and throbbing, he could feel a small puddle of pre cum form where it rested against his belly. "Answer my question. Anything you don't want right now?", she repeated, her tone considerably stricter than before. Damn, this probably shouldn't be a turn on, but his cock twitched nevertheless. "Nothing. Please, I'll do anything!", he ground out. God, if only she would get to it already! Ray's erection was bordering on painful by now, he really didn't know how much more he could take.   
  
Rose smiled at him and tenderly brushed a strand of hair off his sweaty forehead. "Trust me, you don't mean that. But since this is the first time we play, I'm gonna go easy on you and not take advantage of 'I'll do anything'. Hmm... Have you ever had anal sex? I think I want that fat cock of yours up my ass", she stated and nearly gave him a heart attack in the process. Holy shit! Ray had never done it that way before, but damn, did he want to! So many of his friends had bragged about it over the years and even though he had never joined in on those conversations, because he simply did not talk about his sex life, to anybody, he had listened. Ray had never had a girlfriend, who had agreed to try it and since he wasn't one to fuck around, he was an anal virgin. But he was really curious what all the fuss was about. "Fuck, yes, oh please, please do it, I've always wanted to know how that feels", he blurted out, nearly stumbling over his own words. Rose gave him a smirk and pulled out a bottle of lube from under her pillow. Damn, she had obviously planned this! "Remember to keep still or I'm gonna stop immediately. Now spread your legs a little", she instructed him while she cracked open the bottle in her hand, coated her fingers and reached behind herself. Ray would have loved to see her prep herself, but he controlled himself and didn't crane his neck to watch.   
  
Suddenly the fingertips of her other hand ghosted over his cock and Ray's moan caught in his throat. He tensed up and desperately clung to his bonds to remain still. God, did he want to buck his hips and grind against her hand! The ties dug into his wrists, but it didn't really hurt. It was a good pain, just enough to ground him and help reign in his raging desire. "You're doing really well, I think you deserve a reward for that much self-restraint", Rose purred and grabbed him tighter. Ray moaned again, but it turned into a scream when she leaned down and licked one of his balls. Holy. Fucking. Shit! Her hand pumped him in a steady, slow rhythm, but her mouth! Oh God, now she started to suck! It tingled in the very best way, Ray dug his heels into the mattress, curled his toes and bit his lips in a desperate attempt to control himself. He moaned and cursed, but he managed to stay still. Somehow. It was the hardest fucking thing he had ever done. His arousal was boiling higher and higher, he grit his teeth and held his breath, but there was no stopping it. However, when she began to stimulate him with her tongue as well, he yanked at his restrains and yelled: "Stopstopstop, I'm gonna cum!" His entire body was shaking violently. There was this moment of weightlessness before he would start to squirt. Ray looked down at her and met her mischievous gaze. A sharp flash of heat shot through his loins and he cried: "I'm serious, stop, I can't hold it!"

 

He already felt his balls tighten and a surge of hot cum rush into his cock when she pulled off and gripped his shaft painfully tight. Ray screamed. He had been _right there_ at the brink, this was pure torture! With an agonized groan he squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to hyperventilate while he came down a bit and the fog in his head cleared a little. Shit, that had been intense! "Are you okay?", Rose asked and reached for the lube once again. "Y-Yeah. That was damn close", he managed to say and hissed when she smeared the cold, sticky substance all over his oversensitive cock. "Alright, once again, you really have to stay still now. You're big and I'm gonna need some time to adjust. I have toys at home, but it's been a while since I've had anything of that size in there", she explained and Ray gripped his bonds a little tighter before he nodded. Hurting her was the very last thing he wanted to do. Rose straddled him one last time and positioned herself on top of him. Ray hissed at the first contact with warm skin and gritted his teeth. Breathe. Just brea-... Oh shit, holy fucking... _Mother of God!_ Fuuuuuck, he couldn't even make a sound, he felt like he would explode every second now. Damn, he had never experienced anything so tight before!

 

Rose lowered herself painfully slowly onto his throbbing shaft, her face concentrated with a hint of pain. That small expression of discomfort was the only thing, that kept Ray from thrusting up and burying himself balls deep in her ass. She clenched her jaw when the head of his cock popped in while he nearly sobbed at the feeling. She remained still for an agonizing minute, but eventually she pushed down again. "Are you okay?", Ray couldn't help but ask when her frown turned into a grimace of pain. She let out a long breath and relaxed a little around him. "It's okay. You're just... really fucking big and I'm a little out of practice. I can handle it, but it's gonna take a while before it feels good for me as well", she explained in a strained voice. For the first time all night Ray wished that he wasn't tied up and could comfort her. Not that he knew how, but it would be nice to have the possibility, at least. Ever so slowly his penis slid into her. The maddening pace was agony, but it helped him to regain a modicum of control.  
  
Eventually he was all the way in and Rose sighed with relief. Ray felt her gradually relax around his cock and finally let himself fully enjoy the sensation of her wet heat around him. He was pretty sure that he could even feel her heartbeat, that was how tight she was. And then she pushed herself up and slid down again in one smooth motion. Oh God, that felt incredible! Ray shuddered violently and gasped when she clamped down on him. He had no fucking idea how he was supposed to last. That was when Rose started to fuck him for real, her fingers digging into his pecs and her eyes boring into his. Every now and then she would gyrate her hips and ground down on him, so that he was pressed into her to the root. And then she would ride him like a cowgirl until her ass smacked against his thighs. Ray could only lie beneath her and let her have her way with him. He loved every second of it. It was damn hard to remain still, but somehow that made everything so much more intense. Never before had he felt the build up of his climax so explicitly and the visuals only added to the desire burning in his veins. Rose was breathtakingly beautiful. A thin sheet of sweat glistened all over her body, her cheeks were flushed and her eyes heavy-lidded and dark. Her pert breasts bounced with her every movement, it was hypnotizing to watch. She was a literal goddess. Suddenly she leaned back, steadied herself on his knees and spread her legs obscenely wide, so that he had a spectacular view of her dripping pussy. The next time she lifted herself up, Ray could watch himself slide out of her ass and back in, again and again. Fuck, that was nearly too much!

 

As if to taunt him even more, Rose brought one of her hands down and caressed her folds until she found her clit and rubbed it in quick little circles. Hnnnngh, watching her masturbate with his cock impaling her ass was wank material for an entire year! Judging by the noises, that she made, she was getting close. Her moans rose in pitch and volume and she was panting, but she didn't slow down, quite the opposite. Ray pulled at his bonds until his fingers turned numb. He had never needed to cum so badly before. If only he could move and fuck up into her ass! But he managed to hold it in and avert his release... for now. However, his balls were tightening already and his heart was beating like a jackhammer. It was only a matter of time, he wouldn't even make it another minute. "Can I come? Please, I'm so close", he whimpered and bit the inside of his cheeks until he tasted blood. "Fuck, say it again, beg!", Rose ground out and sped up her hand on herself. Ray could feel her tense even more and hold her breath. But so did he. He was past the point of no return. "Please, please, please, I need it! Please let me come, I can't... Oh God, I have to! Please, NOW! Oh _God_... I'm... I'm... Rose, I'm cumming, please let me! It's starting, PLEASE!", he yelled and watched with tears in his eyes how hers rolled back into her head.

 

She let out a deep moan and her muscles tightened around him like a fucking boa constrictor. Ray couldn't take any more, by now it was painful to hold it in. And then she ground out: "Come! But don’t move!" Ray nearly sobbed with relief when he let go, felt himself fall into the abyss and came inside her. A wave of pure sensation rolled over him and drowned out everything but the fire in his body. Rose was still milking him when it crested and he exploded. Ray had never experienced anything like it before. He was burning up, it was so intense, that his entire body was shaking with the effort to remain still. He felt it all the way to his fingertips when his balls forced hot cum out of his cock in long, delicious spurts. It gushed into her welcoming heat and filled her up, claiming her as his. Ray had never come so hard before. It seemed to go on forever and when it finally did end, he was thoroughly exhausted. She had sucked him dry. Literally. His entire body was buzzing with aftershocks, it was unlike anything he had ever experienced before.

 

"Are you alright?", Rose asked him as soon as she had pulled off, still slightly out of breath. Ray smiled blissfully. "'M fuckin' great", he mumbled. Somehow his enunciation had suffered a little along the way. Oh, and all the time she had forbidden him to move, but now he wasn't even sure whether he could if he wanted to. He was so done. "I take it you liked it?", she chuckled while she struggled to release him from his bonds. "Fuckin' loved it. Can we do that again?", he replied and was rewarded with a beaming smile. "Anytime you want. I don't think I could keep my hands off you any longer than I absolutely have to anyway", she agreed and finally got the tie around his wrists undone. Ray hissed when the pins and needles made his fingers sting. Rose's gentle hands massaged his until the blood flowed a little better before she got up and staggered to the bathroom. And he totally didn't feel his cock twitch when he caught sight of his load dripping out of her ass and running down her thighs. She returned with a damp washcloth and carefully cleaned away the traces of their coupling before she turned him around, so that he rested on his belly. Ray already wanted to ask her what she was doing when her fingers started to massage his shoulders. She had coated them in some kind of oil and he couldn't help the throaty moan, that escaped his lips. He hadn't even realized how sore he was from being tied up for so long. Somehow the way she cared for him felt even better than the mind-blowing orgasm she had just given him. This was perfection. Ray was already drifting off when he heard her whisper: "God, I _love_ those muscles! If I wasn't so sore, I would totally jump you again right now." Jesus, how the hell had he ever gotten so fucking lucky?! Just before he fell asleep, there was a muffled cry, that sounded suspiciously like Frank yelling "Right there!" from the guest room. Huh. Actually he had always thought that Gee was the bottom. Whatever, he was way too fucked out to give a damn right now.

 

~~~

  
The next morning began unreasonably early. It was Christmas Eve and it was still dark outside, but Ray had to get up at ass o' clock. Well, he only had himself to blame. Why the hell had they thought that it was a good idea to schedule a fucking video shoot for today? He tumbled downstairs and blindly reached for the coffee pot. He could tell by the smell alone that it was Gee's swill, that could raise the dead. But since he would probably be all but useless for hours if he didn't get a hell of a lot of caffeine into his system asap, he filled a cup and took a tentative sip. Bah. Some things never changed. That was when he noticed his friends, who stood outside the backdoor on his porch and shared a smoke. They were wrapped up in warm winter jackets, but the smaller one still huddled against the other for warmth. Ray quickly grabbed a coat and joined them. Maybe the cold would wake him up since not even Gerard's killer brew had worked so far.

 

“Mornin’”, he murmured and was relieved to see that Gee was in a zombie-like state, too. His hair was tousled, but he had shaved, props to him for that. His friend still had some seven-day stubble, but it looked considerably better than the scrub he had sported yesterday. Frank, on the other hand, was his old bubbly self, even though it was like six o’ clock or something. But then again, he was the only one, who was still used to touring and going for weeks without enough sleep. “Got laid last night, Toro?”, he asked way to cheerily and took another drag of his cigarette. Ray immediately regretted leaving the house. He was _not_ gonna get roped into one of those conversations, nope, not happening! “More like got his brains fucked out, by the sounds of it”, Gerard added and Ray felt his cheeks heat up. He couldn't exactly argue with that and the memory alone was enough to bring a smile to his face and finally get him somewhat awake. “What the hell did she _do_ to you?”, Frank asked giddily. Actually Ray wanted to tell them to fuck off and mind their own business, but before he even got a word out, the door behind them opened again and Rose joined them, wearing nothing but a silver satin robe with white lace all over the seam, slippers and a steaming mug in her hands. She immediately came over and huddled under his coat with him.

 

“Hey”, she murmured and gave him a quick kiss. Then she tried her coffee and choked on it. “What the… what is this?”, she wheezed as soon as she had recovered from her coughing fit. “That’s Gee’s special brew. You get used to it”, Frank explained and pulled a face when he took a gulp from his own cup. “Well, I guess if you ever want to overdose on caffeine, this is the way to do it. That stuff is the literal draught of the living dead”, she murmured and shuddered when she took another sip. “If you guys expect me to be up at this hour, suck it up! Literally”, the preparer of the poison grumbled and returned inside to get a refill. Thankfully they had another one and a half hours to eat breakfast and hit the showers before they had to gather their stuff and rearrange the living room so that there would be enough room for the impromptu film crew Frankie had summoned. He really knew all the world and their brother.

 

Actually Ray would have preferred not to film anywhere near his home, but their options were limited due to the short notice and the fact that they wanted to keep this whole thing a secret until tomorrow. And after Frank had broken up with Jamia and Donna’s less than enthusiastic reaction to the news of Gerard’s divorce, they couldn’t very well use their houses as a location. So his place it was. He sighed and followed Gee inside to get breakfast started. The last thing he heard was: “Is your ass as sore as mine?” “Oh my _God_ , Ray’s such a lucky bastard!” Just great. Sometimes he forgot that Frankie and Rose were best friends. It looked like his band mates were gonna be considerably better informed about his sex life in the future. Yay! What had he ever done to deserve this… But he really was a lucky bastard, no argument there. Oh, and apparently he had been right last night and Frank indeed was the bottom. Fucking TMI!

 

It was nearing ten when they were finally ready to go. Ray’s living room was packed beyond capacity. They had set up their instruments and amps around the Christmas tree and moved all the furniture to the adjoining dining room. The six of them took up position and waited for the lighting guy to make a few final adjustments. Luckily his mom had agreed to pick up Tony and look after him for the day, since both Rose and him were really busy as it was. His girlfriend kept supplying everybody with coffee and biscuits and was their gofer, for lack of a better word. She made sure that they all looked presentable, applied powder to their faces and deliberated with the camera guy on the best angles and how to beef up an otherwise simple performance video. Besides the aforementioned lighting and camera guys there was Evan, too. Frank’s brother-in-law started the playback and took photos of the entire thing, but for the most part he was just a quiet observer.

 

By the way, the Christmas sweaters had won out, but thankfully the Santa hats had not. Small blessings. Frank had driven to his house like an hour ago and returned with Evan and an entire box of them. Between his and Ray’s wardrobe they had been able to find something to wear for their friends, as well. Gerard had ended up in a Lord of the Rings jumper, Mikey’s had a Star Wars design, Jarrod had chosen something, that looked like Donkey Kong and James sported a Harley Quinn sweater. Ray himself wore a Rick and Morty jumper and Frankie’s had Gizmo and gremlins all over it. That was the best one, by far, especially since Ray still had fond memories of Rose calling his friend a hyperactive gremlin at the show in Buffalo. The camera guy called “Action!”, Evan rolled the playback and Gerard began to sing, accompanied by James on the piano they had dragged upstairs from the basement. Next Jarrod started a faster rhythm and Ray, Frank and Mikey joined in. He grinned like a Cheshire cat all the way through. It was great to see Gee take on his stage persona and actually perform again. After all those years!

 

They did three or four takes of the entire thing before the camera guy suggested some close ups of them each and a few different angles. After that they filmed the video message they had agreed to add at the end. Gee and Frankie were sitting beneath the tree with James and Jarrod to their right and Mikey and Ray to their left. Camera guy said “Action!” once again and Gee took a deep breath before he raised his head and said: “Hello everybody! We’ve got something to tell you. We can’t even begin to describe what your continued support meant to us, even after the break up. So here’s the thing: Yesterday we met up and decided that My Chem isn’t done yet. As of today we are officially reunited.” Then Frank chimed in and added: “We’re gonna record an album, we’re gonna go on tour and we can’t wait to play for you again. This is gonna be awesome, we’re so excited and we hope that you’re gonna be with us. We love you all and we wish you a merry Christmas!” They all waved and smiled for the camera before it was done. Frank pressed a chaste little kiss to Gerard’s lips as soon as lighting guy started to pack up his stuff. Luckily this wasn’t going to be in the video. That would _really_ blow up the internet.

 

All in all it was over pretty quickly, they were done around one o’ clock. Ray was glad in a way, they all remembered shoots, that lasted several days. Or boats in the middle of the ocean, nearly being burnt alive, confetti all over the place, a coffin in the rain (being carried by only _five_ people, thank you very much, Frank), dust in unspeakable places and cricket. This was a _lot_ easier. Next came the editing. Rose distributed sandwiches while they all assembled around camera guy’s laptop and watched him cut the material to a three minutes and 46 seconds clip. It was a long and painstakingly slow process and Mikey drove James to Newark so that he could finally go see his family halfway through. After his mother’s death this would be their first Christmas without her and he just couldn't leave his Dad alone, even though he would have loved to stay until the end.

 

Around seven his mom came over and brought Tony back home. The little guy was absolutely thrilled when they showed him what they had done so far and sat in his lap for the entire hour it took them to finish it. They celebrated with pizza, beer and soda for Tony and the Ways. After dinner they sat around the laptop once more, logged into the official account of their band on YouTube. Ray stared at the title and bit his lips. ‘My Chemical Romance – All I Want For Christmas Is You [Official Music Video]’. This was it. The first step of a hopefully long journey. Gee put the links to their twitter and Facebook profiles and their website in the description and added: ‘Merry Christmas! This is our gift to you.’ Once the upload was complete, James was on video call again and everything was ready, the cursor hovered over that blue ‘Done’ button. “Guys, I’m freaking out. Don’t make me do it”, Gerard said and pulled back his hand hastily. “I’m not doing it either”, Mikey announced and Jarrod raised his hands, clearly not up to the task either. Oh no, they wouldn’t chicken out now! “Let’s do it together”, Ray proposed and carefully placed the tip of his index finger on the mouse button. Frank was the first to join him, followed by Jarrod and finally the Way brothers. “Alright. Three… Two… One… Now!”, Frankie counted and they all pushed down together. It was surreal. Such a small movement, yet such a huge effect. Ray felt Rose’s soft lips in his hair and sighed. He had to close his eyes for a moment or else he would have teared up yet again. How was this his life? A little over two weeks ago there had been only Tony and him and he had been horribly lonely. But all of a sudden he was surrounded by his friends, back in his band and in love with a wonderful woman. That was a lucky streak if he had ever heard of one.

 

They all opened their twitter and Instagram accounts on their phones and promoted the video as best they could (without spoiling the surprise, of course). Then there were the first likes and comments. Like, hundreds within the first ten minutes. Ray couldn’t believe it! About half an hour after the upload the calls started. It was insane. Mikey was talking to Pete Wentz while Frank received congratulations from Adam Lazzara, Gee had Matt Bellamy on the line and Jarrod was busy explaining to Wesley Eisold that they were indeed serious. That was when his own phone rang again with an unknown caller. “Toro, Hello?”, he said tentatively. A soft voice with a British accent answered: “Good evening, this is Brian May. I just wanted to congratulate you and wish you the best of luck.” Holy fucking shit, what a crazy night! Yes, they had played together before, but this was the guitarist of _Queen_ , one of his greatest idols! What the heck, he didn’t even know how he had gotten his number! Ray had no idea what he actually said, but he managed to thank Brian and do a bit of small talk before they wished each other merry Christmas and hung up. “Guys… this was Brian fucking May”, he said as soon as he didn’t feel like fainting any more. What the actual fuck?!

 

It was nearly midnight when they finally got a modicum of peace again. Ray felt like he had talked to all the world and their brother, had he ever given his goddamn number to so many people?! But now he had turned off the phone and collapsed into his armchair with a chilled beer in his hand and his girlfriend in his lap. Frankie and Gee were curled up on the couch and the house was blissfully silent. “Today was crazy”, Frank murmured sleepily. Ray snorted. That was the understatement of the year. “Craziest Christmas Eve I’ve ever had”, Gerard agreed, equally tired. Ray was thoroughly exhausted, as well, but simultaneously still too riled up to sleep. “We haven’t even watched ‘Nightmare before Christmas’ today”, Rose remarked and Ray chuckled wearily when both of his friends sat up and took notice at that. Just typical. He wordlessly pointed at his DVD collection in the cabinet behind them. A few minutes later they all sang ‘This Is Halloween’ and Rose cuddled up to his chest until they couldn't get any closer. “I’m proud of you, you know? What you guys did today will make this Christmas so much more special for thousands, if not millions of people”, she whispered and pressed a tender kiss to his neck. Ray sighed contentedly, the tension in his shoulders finally unraveling.

 

“Thank you so much for helping us today. This never would have worked so smoothly without you. Hell, we never even would have gotten to do it in the first place if you hadn’t been there for Frankie and me”, he replied and realized once again how easily things could have gone way differently. He could be sitting by himself right now. With Frank dead and gone. Ray didn’t even want to imagine it. He never wanted to be alone again. Speaking of which… “Do you remember how I said yesterday morning that I couldn’t fulfill Tony’s Christmas wish?”, he asked her quietly and glanced over at his friends, who had thankfully already fallen asleep. “Yeah, why do you bring that up now?”, she wanted to know and pushed herself up a little. Her brow was furrowed in confusion and she eyed him curiously. “Because I can’t… but you can. He wants a new mom. And he wants it to be _you_. So… and I realize that this is very soon… uhmm… would you… move in with us? ”, he asked her while his heart was racing a mile a minute. Holy crap, hopefully he wasn’t totally butchering everything, that had developed between them, by dumping this on her! He desperately wanted her to say yes. Please!

 

She smiled. Then she leaned in and kissed him tenderly. “Thought you’d never ask”, she murmured against his lips before she devoured him and he was drawn into an extensive make out session. Needless to say they didn’t catch a single minute of the movie, since he carried her to his… no, _their_ bedroom halfway through and took her gently and slowly. He held her close as they both shook and whispered her name when he came inside her. It was the best Christmas Eve he had ever had.

 

~~~

 

The next day they all sat under the Christmas tree in the midst of a huge pile of torn wrapping paper and ribbons. Gee and Frankie were off celebrating with their respective families, so it was only the three of them. His parents had invited them for lunch and they would spend the rest of the day with his family, but for now Tony was playing with the kid’s piano Rose had given him and even managed something, that sounded vaguely similar to ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’. Ray took a deep breath and said: “Buddy, would you come here for a moment? We’ve got another present for you.” The little guy immediately perked up at that and climbed into his lap, grinning widely with huge, curious eyes. “Remember how you wrote a wish list for Santa? You wanted Rose to be your new mom. Sooo… she’s gonna move in and live with us. Would you like that?”, he said with a smile. Actually he had expected his son to beam at them and be completely over the moon, but Tony only nodded with a serious expression and asked him: “Does that mean you love her _now_?” Oh kiddo, pushy as always. He looked up and met his girlfriend's cerulean blue eyes. She was so beautiful, even in her Twenty One Pilots pajamas and with her hair in a messy bun on top of her head. Did he love her? “Yeah”, he whispered and felt his scarred heart flutter in his chest.

 

A warm smile spread across her face as she cupped his cheeks and replied: “I love you, too. And I’m so glad that your car broke down in that Starbucks parking lot.” She kissed him and his chest swelled until he could barely breathe. This was right. He felt it in his bones. Ray knew that he wouldn't be cured of his depression over night and that his problems wouldn't resolve into sunshine and roses just like that, but this was the happiest he had been in years. He thought of Christa, his beautiful, loving wife, who had died in his arms only a year ago. She had told him just that. To be happy. “Daddy, I know what I want for my birthday! Can you get married? Then Rose is gonna be my _real_ real mom, right?”, Tony stated quite businesslike. Jesus, someone was jumping damn far ahead! But Ray could only look at her and think to himself that he had never been able to deny his little boy anything. He might just get his wish... eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, more to come!
> 
> Pinterest board to go with this fic: https://www.pinterest.de/batbeltbuckle/i-am-not-afraid-to-keep-on-living/


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